So....me and Tony have talked. I have to tell you that on Tues, I called him and he didn't call me back and I went totally crazy. I probably called him about 8-10 times, plus text messages, plus a million e-mails. By the time I went to sleep I was asking myself what the hell I was doing....the answer, trying to save a relationship that I want and need so bad. I love him too much to lose him over some psycho......
I have yet to comment on my relationship with him...so here you go (please note, this will be the one and only time you will get this).....
Tony makes me feel so good about myself. The end. I have never been with someone who questioned me for all the right reasons, never been with someone that told me that I'm a beautiful person, never been with someone that when I look at them I see my entire future in their eyes.......I love him and don't want to ever lose him.....
In the end I know that this is something that just won't go away, I don't expect it to. It will always be that one incident that stopped our relationship for so many hours, minutes, seconds.....What I do know and hope is that this will be something that we work through, together, just like any other problem that may arise in the future......and hopefully that will be a long one.....Together.
Friday, December 23, 2005
What to say
So I came home to St. Louis on Wed. night and I have to say that things have not been so great. Every time I come home, I always seem to get into some kind of funk. It's not that I don't like St. Louis. In fact, I love being from this city. I think that overall I just was a different person when I lived here.
I wasn't out at all when I lived in St. Louis. So I guess in some ways, coming home always reminds me of a lesser "me"....someone who was ashamed of who they were. Not that my childhood was bad in any way. Most of the time I recall home being ok. But, there was always that feeling, that I'm not who I am. And in some ways St. Louis makes me feel like I'm not who I am....
In some ways, I guess it would help if I were to tell my family about me being gay. I mean my mom knows, but my brother and sister or anyone else for that matter, know nothing. I don't know why I haven't told them...in some ways, I guess I'm scared of what there reactions will be. When I told my mom about three or four years ago, her reaction was nothing that I imagined....instead it was one of peace. Did she ever cry?? I don't know, at least not in front of me. But when I did tell her, she did ask that not tell my brother or sister or anyone else.
I can say that in some ways, I understood why she didn't want me to tell others, she was still dealing with it in her own way. But, I know and feel that it's time to tell others. I hate coming home and not talking about the people in my life. Tony, Chris, Chuck, Bernie, or any of the other great people that make me who I am today.
Tomorrow I'm suppose to spend the day with my brother and sister.....I hate planning things like this, but I feel like if I don't say something now, I'll be 40 before I say anything.....and I don't want to be that guy.
I wasn't out at all when I lived in St. Louis. So I guess in some ways, coming home always reminds me of a lesser "me"....someone who was ashamed of who they were. Not that my childhood was bad in any way. Most of the time I recall home being ok. But, there was always that feeling, that I'm not who I am. And in some ways St. Louis makes me feel like I'm not who I am....
In some ways, I guess it would help if I were to tell my family about me being gay. I mean my mom knows, but my brother and sister or anyone else for that matter, know nothing. I don't know why I haven't told them...in some ways, I guess I'm scared of what there reactions will be. When I told my mom about three or four years ago, her reaction was nothing that I imagined....instead it was one of peace. Did she ever cry?? I don't know, at least not in front of me. But when I did tell her, she did ask that not tell my brother or sister or anyone else.
I can say that in some ways, I understood why she didn't want me to tell others, she was still dealing with it in her own way. But, I know and feel that it's time to tell others. I hate coming home and not talking about the people in my life. Tony, Chris, Chuck, Bernie, or any of the other great people that make me who I am today.
Tomorrow I'm suppose to spend the day with my brother and sister.....I hate planning things like this, but I feel like if I don't say something now, I'll be 40 before I say anything.....and I don't want to be that guy.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The Latest News
So...there is still no new news with me and Tony....instead things are at bay for right now, while he thinks about "things".
I have decided that I have to be at peace with what ever happens, because being outrages and furious about things won't help. Instead I have to realize that there are good people and bad people in this world. It's life. There will always be people who want to bring us down in this world, the key is to stay focused on what we want and see nothing else. I know what it is that I want...as far as the person that did this to me....we'll Karma is a bitch.
I have decided that I have to be at peace with what ever happens, because being outrages and furious about things won't help. Instead I have to realize that there are good people and bad people in this world. It's life. There will always be people who want to bring us down in this world, the key is to stay focused on what we want and see nothing else. I know what it is that I want...as far as the person that did this to me....we'll Karma is a bitch.
Life Ruiner
So today at my job some co-workers and I were saying how we are life ruiners. We had to call students today that got deferred to the university until Spring admissions. Some of the kids I talked to took the news pretty well, wanting to know what they could do to further their chances to get into the university, while others were completely devastated. So in a sense "life ruiners". Some of this kids were hoping so much that they would get a letter in the mail that would say "Welcome", instead they will get a letter that says "You are on Hold".
I really love my job, but happen to hate this part because it is the side of human emotion that comes along with it but no one every really talks about. Kind of like relationships.
In yesterdays post(which btw, I know was a little heavy)I talked about how Tony's trust in me is shook. Well that's the thing...we never talked about the trust or lack thereof that we had for each other or our relationship. Instead, we took for granted that the other person could be trusted with no questions asked. Was that the right thing to do? Should we all enter relationships with little stickers that say "please let me know right now if I can't trust you"....or any other of the questions that never really come up.
In saying this, I guess the point is that we never really thing about the bad times that we might have with a person we are in a relationship with. Instead, we focus on all the positives....at least until the negatives happen. Which leads me to ask...."Is not asking questions, a Life Ruiner??"
I really love my job, but happen to hate this part because it is the side of human emotion that comes along with it but no one every really talks about. Kind of like relationships.
In yesterdays post(which btw, I know was a little heavy)I talked about how Tony's trust in me is shook. Well that's the thing...we never talked about the trust or lack thereof that we had for each other or our relationship. Instead, we took for granted that the other person could be trusted with no questions asked. Was that the right thing to do? Should we all enter relationships with little stickers that say "please let me know right now if I can't trust you"....or any other of the questions that never really come up.
In saying this, I guess the point is that we never really thing about the bad times that we might have with a person we are in a relationship with. Instead, we focus on all the positives....at least until the negatives happen. Which leads me to ask...."Is not asking questions, a Life Ruiner??"
Good bye and Good night....
So what I'm about to tell you is the truth....
When I was dating this one guy here in DC I was still in constant communication with Rick ( if you don't know that story, you'll have to go back and read)......anywho, I told the guy that I was dating here in DC about Rick, because I felt like it was important for him to know that I loved someone else. This guy would always ask, does "Rick" know that you are dating me and I would always say yes. I was always very honest with "Rick", because I felt in order for us to move on, truth would be important. Neither of us expected the other not to date and or see other people, we knew it would happen. In being honest I never really told "Rick" that I was dating this guy in DC....it was just kind of understood. But, the guy in DC would always ask "are you sure that "Rick" knows about me??"
So one day, I got an e-mail from "Rick" that said....."So, I got an email from someone I don't even know saying that you are in a relationship. After being in Peace Corps I don't listen to rumors. You can tell me if you are with someone, I would understand. As a friend of mine puts it, "Our organism has biological needs." Ah, the wisdom of the Kyrgyz."
I wrote him back and told him everything.....in the end he end up calling me and saying that it doesn't really matter. He just didn't know why someone he doesn't know would e-mail him. I told him that they were probably trying to ruin what we have....he agreed and we never spoke about it again.
I later would ask the guy that I was dating in DC about the whole e-mail situation....not really suggesting that he did it....but I guess in some ways I did think he did it. He got really upset and didn't understand how I could blame him for something like this and so I dropped it and instead tried to think of who else would do something so child like. A lot of names came in and out of my mind, some were friends, others were enemies. When it was all said and done I just decided that it wasn't worth all the time and energy to try and figure out who or why it was done.
Well that whole situation happened in May and I have since started dating someone else and never really thought about it until now.
Tonight I got a phone call from Tony that I knew was going to not so great. He sounded very worried and almost distant. After some prodding he finally told me that he just received an e-mail from someone named Mike Smith that said the following..."Hey, Sorry if I did anything inappropriate last night....I have issues, which I'm sure you know.. I would still like to get together before I go home. Think about it and let me know. These are all words that I wrote to my friend Jeff. This is what he wrote back....."Hey you...it's no problem. It takes two to tango, ya know? We're both "guilty" of that. You didn't do anything over the top inappropriate, so don't worry. I had a great time; was hurtin' a little bit earlier in the day, but it's all good now. How about you....did you make it home or did you stay at Chuck's? What's you schedule like next week and when do you get back from NY? Maybe we could do dinner on Monday or Tuesday next week?"
Tony didn't read this e-mail to me word for word, but just the jest of if. To make a long story short, he asked me what the hell the e-mail was about and what did I do that was so inappropriate. I told him that I didn't do anything and if anything I was just apologizing for being drunk. In the midst of this whole conversation I also got very angry and there was some shouting going on.
The back story is Tony's ex cheated on him. I don't know much about the situation and don't really want to. I do know that truth is a big thing with Tony because of it. So now, he gets this e-mail and doesn't know what to think.
After a lot of yelling and if you to happen to notice what time it is when while I'm writing this, things did not come to and ending. If anything, Tony's trust in me has been shook and I can't do anything about it. I told him that nothing happened and he just kept saying that he finds it hard to believe me when I say that because of what the e-mail says. I told him that I can't do anything but tell him the truth and that unfortunately if he doesn't believe me now, he won't believe me later. We left it at that and I crying and he saying that he needed to think.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I know that whoever sent the e-mail wanted to see me hurt, my relationship gone....and that just might happen. Who knows. What I do know is that whoever this person is, I hate them.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING ONE OF THE BEST THINGS FROM ME......MY TRUST
When I was dating this one guy here in DC I was still in constant communication with Rick ( if you don't know that story, you'll have to go back and read)......anywho, I told the guy that I was dating here in DC about Rick, because I felt like it was important for him to know that I loved someone else. This guy would always ask, does "Rick" know that you are dating me and I would always say yes. I was always very honest with "Rick", because I felt in order for us to move on, truth would be important. Neither of us expected the other not to date and or see other people, we knew it would happen. In being honest I never really told "Rick" that I was dating this guy in DC....it was just kind of understood. But, the guy in DC would always ask "are you sure that "Rick" knows about me??"
So one day, I got an e-mail from "Rick" that said....."So, I got an email from someone I don't even know saying that you are in a relationship. After being in Peace Corps I don't listen to rumors. You can tell me if you are with someone, I would understand. As a friend of mine puts it, "Our organism has biological needs." Ah, the wisdom of the Kyrgyz."
I wrote him back and told him everything.....in the end he end up calling me and saying that it doesn't really matter. He just didn't know why someone he doesn't know would e-mail him. I told him that they were probably trying to ruin what we have....he agreed and we never spoke about it again.
I later would ask the guy that I was dating in DC about the whole e-mail situation....not really suggesting that he did it....but I guess in some ways I did think he did it. He got really upset and didn't understand how I could blame him for something like this and so I dropped it and instead tried to think of who else would do something so child like. A lot of names came in and out of my mind, some were friends, others were enemies. When it was all said and done I just decided that it wasn't worth all the time and energy to try and figure out who or why it was done.
Well that whole situation happened in May and I have since started dating someone else and never really thought about it until now.
Tonight I got a phone call from Tony that I knew was going to not so great. He sounded very worried and almost distant. After some prodding he finally told me that he just received an e-mail from someone named Mike Smith that said the following..."Hey, Sorry if I did anything inappropriate last night....I have issues, which I'm sure you know.. I would still like to get together before I go home. Think about it and let me know. These are all words that I wrote to my friend Jeff. This is what he wrote back....."Hey you...it's no problem. It takes two to tango, ya know? We're both "guilty" of that. You didn't do anything over the top inappropriate, so don't worry. I had a great time; was hurtin' a little bit earlier in the day, but it's all good now. How about you....did you make it home or did you stay at Chuck's? What's you schedule like next week and when do you get back from NY? Maybe we could do dinner on Monday or Tuesday next week?"
Tony didn't read this e-mail to me word for word, but just the jest of if. To make a long story short, he asked me what the hell the e-mail was about and what did I do that was so inappropriate. I told him that I didn't do anything and if anything I was just apologizing for being drunk. In the midst of this whole conversation I also got very angry and there was some shouting going on.
The back story is Tony's ex cheated on him. I don't know much about the situation and don't really want to. I do know that truth is a big thing with Tony because of it. So now, he gets this e-mail and doesn't know what to think.
After a lot of yelling and if you to happen to notice what time it is when while I'm writing this, things did not come to and ending. If anything, Tony's trust in me has been shook and I can't do anything about it. I told him that nothing happened and he just kept saying that he finds it hard to believe me when I say that because of what the e-mail says. I told him that I can't do anything but tell him the truth and that unfortunately if he doesn't believe me now, he won't believe me later. We left it at that and I crying and he saying that he needed to think.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I know that whoever sent the e-mail wanted to see me hurt, my relationship gone....and that just might happen. Who knows. What I do know is that whoever this person is, I hate them.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING ONE OF THE BEST THINGS FROM ME......MY TRUST
Monday, December 12, 2005
New Look
So as you can see I've got a new look....I thought it would get me ready for the new year, which I'm only too sure that many changes will come......."cha,cha, changes.
Love that song.
BTW....I like to start post with the word "So"....it's almost like I'm picking up a conversation with an old friend I'm on the phone with and I just told you to hold on....oh well
Love that song.
BTW....I like to start post with the word "So"....it's almost like I'm picking up a conversation with an old friend I'm on the phone with and I just told you to hold on....oh well
Questions....
I've decided that from time to time, I'm going to blog about questions that enter my mind. Maybe I'll answer them, maybe I won't; here we go.....
-Why does it feel like when we have a really good group of friends, it seems like it's harder to make new friends??
-Why do people on the bus stop talk to you when they see that you are wearing headphones.
-What ever happen to the people that you were friends with in high school??
-How much can one person change in a year?
-Why does it feel like when we have a really good group of friends, it seems like it's harder to make new friends??
-Why do people on the bus stop talk to you when they see that you are wearing headphones.
-What ever happen to the people that you were friends with in high school??
-How much can one person change in a year?
Weekend Roundup
This past weekend I went to New York to see "the bf". What I thought was going to be a relaxing weekend together....did not turn out that way.
I went up to NYC with the knowledge that his sister was coming up for the day on Saturday and that there was going to be a few activities that we where going to do but I had no idea what I was really in store for.
I woke up on Saturday with the thought that we were going to meet his sister and her husband and son around 12:00 and then go from there. What ensued was a non-stop tour of NYC during the holidays. First there was the tour of Time Square at 1pm with 3million other people. Next, there was the walk from Time Square to the USS Intrepid, a battle ship turned museum. After the battle ship, there was a quick walk down 5th Ave, to look at all the window decorations. Finally, there was a look at the Rockefella Christmas tree and then a journey to the "Top of the Rock". After that was said and done, we grabbed a bite at a very random diner. As you can see it was a pretty long day.
I have to say in the moment I probably didn't enjoy everything as much as I should have. I expected to come to NYC and spend time with the other half and just relax. So many of our visits include others and doing other things with other people, I just was prepared for some nice alone time. I knew that his sister was coming up, so I def. knew what I was getting into, but I just felt like again, "our" time together was shortened. So of course now looking back on the whole weekend, I couldn't have chosen a better person to see so many things that others only get to see on TV with.
I have decided that we probably won't get alone time until a while after the holidays, it's just the way things work. We both know a lot of people, and love spending time with those people. So until we get to spend our alone time, I'll cherish all the moments that we spend with others together.
I went up to NYC with the knowledge that his sister was coming up for the day on Saturday and that there was going to be a few activities that we where going to do but I had no idea what I was really in store for.
I woke up on Saturday with the thought that we were going to meet his sister and her husband and son around 12:00 and then go from there. What ensued was a non-stop tour of NYC during the holidays. First there was the tour of Time Square at 1pm with 3million other people. Next, there was the walk from Time Square to the USS Intrepid, a battle ship turned museum. After the battle ship, there was a quick walk down 5th Ave, to look at all the window decorations. Finally, there was a look at the Rockefella Christmas tree and then a journey to the "Top of the Rock". After that was said and done, we grabbed a bite at a very random diner. As you can see it was a pretty long day.
I have to say in the moment I probably didn't enjoy everything as much as I should have. I expected to come to NYC and spend time with the other half and just relax. So many of our visits include others and doing other things with other people, I just was prepared for some nice alone time. I knew that his sister was coming up, so I def. knew what I was getting into, but I just felt like again, "our" time together was shortened. So of course now looking back on the whole weekend, I couldn't have chosen a better person to see so many things that others only get to see on TV with.
I have decided that we probably won't get alone time until a while after the holidays, it's just the way things work. We both know a lot of people, and love spending time with those people. So until we get to spend our alone time, I'll cherish all the moments that we spend with others together.
Friday, December 09, 2005
In breaking news
So I've realized that in writing this blog.....9 out of 10 times I was writing it for the wrong reasons.....I was writing it for other people....Not me. This blog is a way for me to write about my life and all the crazy shit that takes place in it. I'm sure at some point I'm going to offend someone I know, care about, or some joe off the street. I won't say sorry, just this is what is being said in my head and sometimes it's not nice. I've also decided that I'm no longer going to edit my blogs, as in go back and make sure there are only nice things said about people. If I do say something not so nice about anybody, those of you who know I love you, these are only words and hopefully my actions speak a lot louder..
Party Monster
I don't know how many of you people have seen the movie "Party Monster" with that kid from "Home Alone" and yes I know his name, but I'm not going to put it up here for the fear of misspelling his name. Anywho.....as I was watching TV the other day, he was on an episode of Will and Grace...and it got me thinking, he is a really good actor, he just never got the right roles in life. So of course I took that one step further and thought about my own life and people in it. What if we were never given the right role, but instead always typedcased as the same idiot each and every day. Only to wake up one day and realize what's been going on.
Well I have to say, that I think for the longest of time this was me. People knew me in college as this "Party Monster", if there was a party, I was there and most likely drunk and acting stupid. So of course after playing this role for so long, I just got use to it and kept playing it, well after school was over. In Pittsburgh it wasn't so bad, because the options were so limited, but once I moved to DC, it was all over. I probably went out at least 3 to 4 days a week. And, when I say I went out, I went out; staying out usually until 12 or 1 and on the weekends it was even worse.
The thing is, I never got tired of it. I would always meet new people and have a good time while partying. What more could I ask for?? Best of all, my friends were doing it with me. There was always at least on of my besties on my side as I was getting shitty. It even got to the point were I couldn't go out with at least one of them and not have multiple people ask me where they were. And then it happened; I woke up one day and realized that I had been typedcased and never really given the right role to begin with. So I decided to take a new one.
The role I took was not so much a new one, but in the end, who I've always been. A guy who likes to party, but at the same time needs to be grounded so that the partying doesn't get old. I have to say that most of it can be attributed to meeting someone, the other half I guess is me coming to realize that there has to be more then the same people, same places, and same conversations.
I guess the only question I have know is; when will some of my besites wake up??
Well I have to say, that I think for the longest of time this was me. People knew me in college as this "Party Monster", if there was a party, I was there and most likely drunk and acting stupid. So of course after playing this role for so long, I just got use to it and kept playing it, well after school was over. In Pittsburgh it wasn't so bad, because the options were so limited, but once I moved to DC, it was all over. I probably went out at least 3 to 4 days a week. And, when I say I went out, I went out; staying out usually until 12 or 1 and on the weekends it was even worse.
The thing is, I never got tired of it. I would always meet new people and have a good time while partying. What more could I ask for?? Best of all, my friends were doing it with me. There was always at least on of my besties on my side as I was getting shitty. It even got to the point were I couldn't go out with at least one of them and not have multiple people ask me where they were. And then it happened; I woke up one day and realized that I had been typedcased and never really given the right role to begin with. So I decided to take a new one.
The role I took was not so much a new one, but in the end, who I've always been. A guy who likes to party, but at the same time needs to be grounded so that the partying doesn't get old. I have to say that most of it can be attributed to meeting someone, the other half I guess is me coming to realize that there has to be more then the same people, same places, and same conversations.
I guess the only question I have know is; when will some of my besites wake up??
Hello, Hello
So many things since the last blog..that if I wrote about them, you wouldn't believe me. Let's just say; still seeing boy from NYC, still have my besties(although we are def. going our own ways), still loving my job, and last but not least, still haven't told my brother or my sister that I'm gay......
Get ready cause it's about to be a ride...
Get ready cause it's about to be a ride...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Life's too Short
I know that it was been sometime since I last wrote a blog entry......so the f@#k what!!!!!!!!
I originally started this blog as a way to get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. That's it, nothing else. When I first started blogging, I was going thru a particularly low point in my life; I quit my job, had no money, and basically was in the dark about what to do in general, I was even having some "boy" troubles. So with all of this, came crazy thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes stayed in my mind for several days and sometimes thoughts that wouldn't go away. So I decided that writing about the thoughts would help with getting them out of my head. In the end, that's what happened; the crazy thoughts stop hanging around as often, and I was able to focus on more important things, like finding a job and being happy.
I know that sometimes I write in spurts, it happens, like I said, the thoughts don't stay around as often anymore. I don't feel the need to write about daily things or even update this thing on an hourly basis. It won't happen.
So yes, I will update eventually...when.....who knows. If you are that interested in what's going on in my life, then I guess you will just have to check back in every so often or stop checking out at all.
I originally started this blog as a way to get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. That's it, nothing else. When I first started blogging, I was going thru a particularly low point in my life; I quit my job, had no money, and basically was in the dark about what to do in general, I was even having some "boy" troubles. So with all of this, came crazy thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes stayed in my mind for several days and sometimes thoughts that wouldn't go away. So I decided that writing about the thoughts would help with getting them out of my head. In the end, that's what happened; the crazy thoughts stop hanging around as often, and I was able to focus on more important things, like finding a job and being happy.
I know that sometimes I write in spurts, it happens, like I said, the thoughts don't stay around as often anymore. I don't feel the need to write about daily things or even update this thing on an hourly basis. It won't happen.
So yes, I will update eventually...when.....who knows. If you are that interested in what's going on in my life, then I guess you will just have to check back in every so often or stop checking out at all.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
LA- Day 3
So...
I can't believe that I've already been in LA for three days. I forgot to mention in the last post that last nite I did meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. We just went out to dinner, but it was great seeing Matt and Jessica. Matt and I met freshman year of college through another great friend of mine. We, Matt and I, would get into the most ridiculous fights......sometimes I would just stop talking to him. It was awesome to talk about those times and just laugh. I'm glad to see that he is doing well. Oh, my friend’s girl also met us out for dinner, which was good; she is friends with Matt and Jessica. Hopefully we, Dawn and I, will get to go out later this week before I leave, she is a lot of fun.
So the day....well, it was mostly uneventful. I did get up this morning and eat breakfast, which by the way is not free. But, I'm not paying, so I don't care. I had this awesome french toast. If you are ever staying at a Holiday-Inn, try the cinnamon roll french toast, to die for.
On my slate for today, I had for schools. Well, when I got ready to go to the first, wouldn't you know it started to rain. Which made me instantly think of that song from Tony, Toni, Tony..."It never rains in Southern California"....love it. So of course traffic was a little crazy. It's like snow in DC, the city doesn't really know what to do with itself. It's almost like brimstone was falling from the sky, oh well.
So I make it to my first school with no problems at all. First up was an all boys school, that looked more like a compound for refugees....oh well. I get to the school a little early, because of the rain, and talk to the college counselor. She was so excited about my University. We talked about people and places that she knew in DC, which was somewhat comforting to hear. After about 45mins, no student showed up. Oh well, I think that I was being punished for seeing so many students the day before. So I left packed up and made my way to the second school.
Got a little lost, had to take the freeway to this school. I eventually found my way to the famous Sunset Blvd, this time an all-girl's school. Again no students. I now knew that I was being punished. Oh well. Because, there were no students to see I got to drive around the area a bit. I eventually found out that I was in the famous Bel-Air neighborhood. So many Benz’s and BMW's....not enough time. Of course I looked hot in my Dodge Strauss.
I then headed off to my third school. Too bad I got extremely lost and I think that I hurricane started, cause it started to rain so hard, traffic was at a stand still. So I eventually called the school and told them that I was not going to be able to make it, because of the weather and traffic. I then turned myself around and headed back to Sunset, where my last school was located.
This time the school was directly across the street from UCLA......which is beautiful. I met with one student and then contemplated going jean shopping. In the end I just came back to the hotel and read a little bit before dozing off. I woke up just in time for the ANTM reunion show....the season premier is tomorrow, so trust there will be a post about it.
So now, it's time for bed. The one thing that I'm finding out that I don't like about being on the road, is that I don't get to see the faces that make me smile all the time....I miss my Mean Girl crew......
I can't believe that I've already been in LA for three days. I forgot to mention in the last post that last nite I did meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. We just went out to dinner, but it was great seeing Matt and Jessica. Matt and I met freshman year of college through another great friend of mine. We, Matt and I, would get into the most ridiculous fights......sometimes I would just stop talking to him. It was awesome to talk about those times and just laugh. I'm glad to see that he is doing well. Oh, my friend’s girl also met us out for dinner, which was good; she is friends with Matt and Jessica. Hopefully we, Dawn and I, will get to go out later this week before I leave, she is a lot of fun.
So the day....well, it was mostly uneventful. I did get up this morning and eat breakfast, which by the way is not free. But, I'm not paying, so I don't care. I had this awesome french toast. If you are ever staying at a Holiday-Inn, try the cinnamon roll french toast, to die for.
On my slate for today, I had for schools. Well, when I got ready to go to the first, wouldn't you know it started to rain. Which made me instantly think of that song from Tony, Toni, Tony..."It never rains in Southern California"....love it. So of course traffic was a little crazy. It's like snow in DC, the city doesn't really know what to do with itself. It's almost like brimstone was falling from the sky, oh well.
So I make it to my first school with no problems at all. First up was an all boys school, that looked more like a compound for refugees....oh well. I get to the school a little early, because of the rain, and talk to the college counselor. She was so excited about my University. We talked about people and places that she knew in DC, which was somewhat comforting to hear. After about 45mins, no student showed up. Oh well, I think that I was being punished for seeing so many students the day before. So I left packed up and made my way to the second school.
Got a little lost, had to take the freeway to this school. I eventually found my way to the famous Sunset Blvd, this time an all-girl's school. Again no students. I now knew that I was being punished. Oh well. Because, there were no students to see I got to drive around the area a bit. I eventually found out that I was in the famous Bel-Air neighborhood. So many Benz’s and BMW's....not enough time. Of course I looked hot in my Dodge Strauss.
I then headed off to my third school. Too bad I got extremely lost and I think that I hurricane started, cause it started to rain so hard, traffic was at a stand still. So I eventually called the school and told them that I was not going to be able to make it, because of the weather and traffic. I then turned myself around and headed back to Sunset, where my last school was located.
This time the school was directly across the street from UCLA......which is beautiful. I met with one student and then contemplated going jean shopping. In the end I just came back to the hotel and read a little bit before dozing off. I woke up just in time for the ANTM reunion show....the season premier is tomorrow, so trust there will be a post about it.
So now, it's time for bed. The one thing that I'm finding out that I don't like about being on the road, is that I don't get to see the faces that make me smile all the time....I miss my Mean Girl crew......
LA- Day2
Sorry for not writing this last nite.....
My Monday started very early. I got up at 5:30 to cut my hair and to make sure that I was up for my 8:30 appointment at an all girl school. For the most part my morning went well. I got to the school with no problems what so ever....even had time to stop at Jack n' the Box.....I love it. Got to my first school and started my career officially as an Admissions Counselor.
My first meeting with a high school guidance counselor was interesting. All I had to do was smile and all the sudden this older women, who had been working in education since 1970, poured her heart out to me about higher education. We talked for some time about the raising cost of education and those that will eventually left out, because of it. This woman displayed a passion that one rarely sees. She was so committed to getting the students in her school, which by the way was mostly Latinos, to a college. She repeatedly told me that everyday she stresses to her students that without an education, nothing will come to you. After we had our wonderful conversation, I finally got to met with my first student on the road. She was a quite girl who had only a few questions about the University. I went through my normal routine and that was it.....no fireworks, no champagne popping in the background, just a whiff of air.
I left the school feeling like a complete failure. I just visited my first school and came out feeling like I did nothing at all. It was horrible. I then had a conversation with myself and tried to figure out why that was so non-climatic. In the end I chalked it up to me not being me. I went in there and talked as though I was some robot, sent on one mission and given specific instructions. That's not me. I love talking about higher ed.....I think that it's an awesome opportunity that we have in this country, an opportunity that too many of us take for granted. As I was driving to my second school, I vowed that I would only continue with this career if I was only going to be myself. That person that loves talking to students, parents, and teachers.
With my renewed energy, I went to my second school, which was an all-boys school. I was again ready to meet with at most one or two students. The thing about coming out to California to recruit is that I don't expect to get a lot, because my school is all the way in DC, not around the corner from LA. But, I walk into this class room and there are about 30 kids, all seniors, all on their lunch break. It was a great feeling. At the end of my presentation the counselor came up to me to thank me for coming and then the last thing she said was, "you really did an amazing job, and I know that a lot of our kids have a strong interest in your University, after your presentation." That right there made it all worth it. That was me. The person that for some reason I couldn't be that first time around.
I left the school, feeling better then I had in a very long time. I even treated myself to a place called "Pink's Hot Dog's"....supposedly a world famous hot dog place in LA. It was good, had the bacon chili cheese dog.....I couldn't help myself.
After lunch, I made my way to my final school for the day; again it was an all-girl’s school. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the counseling department and I was left off the schedule. No worries, I talked with the counselor for a minute or two, and then I was on my way.
Overall, I have to say that I now know that this is what I want to do. This, this job, is me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
My Monday started very early. I got up at 5:30 to cut my hair and to make sure that I was up for my 8:30 appointment at an all girl school. For the most part my morning went well. I got to the school with no problems what so ever....even had time to stop at Jack n' the Box.....I love it. Got to my first school and started my career officially as an Admissions Counselor.
My first meeting with a high school guidance counselor was interesting. All I had to do was smile and all the sudden this older women, who had been working in education since 1970, poured her heart out to me about higher education. We talked for some time about the raising cost of education and those that will eventually left out, because of it. This woman displayed a passion that one rarely sees. She was so committed to getting the students in her school, which by the way was mostly Latinos, to a college. She repeatedly told me that everyday she stresses to her students that without an education, nothing will come to you. After we had our wonderful conversation, I finally got to met with my first student on the road. She was a quite girl who had only a few questions about the University. I went through my normal routine and that was it.....no fireworks, no champagne popping in the background, just a whiff of air.
I left the school feeling like a complete failure. I just visited my first school and came out feeling like I did nothing at all. It was horrible. I then had a conversation with myself and tried to figure out why that was so non-climatic. In the end I chalked it up to me not being me. I went in there and talked as though I was some robot, sent on one mission and given specific instructions. That's not me. I love talking about higher ed.....I think that it's an awesome opportunity that we have in this country, an opportunity that too many of us take for granted. As I was driving to my second school, I vowed that I would only continue with this career if I was only going to be myself. That person that loves talking to students, parents, and teachers.
With my renewed energy, I went to my second school, which was an all-boys school. I was again ready to meet with at most one or two students. The thing about coming out to California to recruit is that I don't expect to get a lot, because my school is all the way in DC, not around the corner from LA. But, I walk into this class room and there are about 30 kids, all seniors, all on their lunch break. It was a great feeling. At the end of my presentation the counselor came up to me to thank me for coming and then the last thing she said was, "you really did an amazing job, and I know that a lot of our kids have a strong interest in your University, after your presentation." That right there made it all worth it. That was me. The person that for some reason I couldn't be that first time around.
I left the school, feeling better then I had in a very long time. I even treated myself to a place called "Pink's Hot Dog's"....supposedly a world famous hot dog place in LA. It was good, had the bacon chili cheese dog.....I couldn't help myself.
After lunch, I made my way to my final school for the day; again it was an all-girl’s school. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the counseling department and I was left off the schedule. No worries, I talked with the counselor for a minute or two, and then I was on my way.
Overall, I have to say that I now know that this is what I want to do. This, this job, is me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
LA- day 1
The next two weeks, I'm going to try to write about what one does on the road as a college admissions counsler. Because this is really my first "real" go at it, I think it will help me and maybe others to view my thoughts and preception of this life that I so want. Let's get started.
I got to LA, after what was a bit of a long weekend. The "new guy" came into town and I did not want to live DC nor did I want him to go back to NYC, oh well. Life must go on. So, after getting home at 4am and still needing to pack, me and the "new guy" took a nap...if you can call closing your eyes for 30mins a nap..........and I got up at 6:15am to catch a 8:40 flight out of Dulles. After getting a little lost to the airport out in the cut, I got on the plane and waited for my 5hr. flight to start. I slept, as you can imagine, most of the way out here. I was so tired, I think I saw the guy next to me twice; once when I got on the plane and the other time was when I got off of it. Oh well.
So, I've only been to LA once and that was when I came out here for the Rose Bowl, my sphomore year in college....so it's been a while. I gather my luggage from baggage claim and look for the rent-a-car place. Now you have to understand that any time I travel, I never drive, there are always people who wish to do that, but not this time. So, I found out, that I had to wait for a shuttle to take me the place for a car. Now, because I rented a car, or someone else rented a car for me, from a place called Advantage, I had to wait for sometime before the shuttle came. Which was ok, I had nothing else to do. I decided to come to LA a day early just for reasons like this.
Finally after reaching the car place, it took a bit, note to self (rent from national companies only).....I finally got the car and made my way for the "dangerous" LA freeways. Not so dangerous. I got a little lost trying to find my hotel, which is across the street from the Staples Center. I then decided that I would find out where some of the high schools were that I have to visit tomorrow. For the most part, I think that I will be the only person of color for some miles. A lot of the schools that I visit tomorrow are in very deep hispianc communities. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just think that things will get interesting. We'll have to wait and see I guess. Other then that I stopped and got Jack n the Box, which we have in St. Louis, but I've not found anywhere else.....do not knock the tacos, spicy chicken sandwich, and the potatoe wedges.....they are the stuff to die for.
That's about it.....found my way back to the hotel and I decided that I would just stick around the hotel and order room service and read and watch the emmy's......I know totally lame, but I'm really tired after last night and I think a little jet lagged.......until tomorrow.
I got to LA, after what was a bit of a long weekend. The "new guy" came into town and I did not want to live DC nor did I want him to go back to NYC, oh well. Life must go on. So, after getting home at 4am and still needing to pack, me and the "new guy" took a nap...if you can call closing your eyes for 30mins a nap..........and I got up at 6:15am to catch a 8:40 flight out of Dulles. After getting a little lost to the airport out in the cut, I got on the plane and waited for my 5hr. flight to start. I slept, as you can imagine, most of the way out here. I was so tired, I think I saw the guy next to me twice; once when I got on the plane and the other time was when I got off of it. Oh well.
So, I've only been to LA once and that was when I came out here for the Rose Bowl, my sphomore year in college....so it's been a while. I gather my luggage from baggage claim and look for the rent-a-car place. Now you have to understand that any time I travel, I never drive, there are always people who wish to do that, but not this time. So, I found out, that I had to wait for a shuttle to take me the place for a car. Now, because I rented a car, or someone else rented a car for me, from a place called Advantage, I had to wait for sometime before the shuttle came. Which was ok, I had nothing else to do. I decided to come to LA a day early just for reasons like this.
Finally after reaching the car place, it took a bit, note to self (rent from national companies only).....I finally got the car and made my way for the "dangerous" LA freeways. Not so dangerous. I got a little lost trying to find my hotel, which is across the street from the Staples Center. I then decided that I would find out where some of the high schools were that I have to visit tomorrow. For the most part, I think that I will be the only person of color for some miles. A lot of the schools that I visit tomorrow are in very deep hispianc communities. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just think that things will get interesting. We'll have to wait and see I guess. Other then that I stopped and got Jack n the Box, which we have in St. Louis, but I've not found anywhere else.....do not knock the tacos, spicy chicken sandwich, and the potatoe wedges.....they are the stuff to die for.
That's about it.....found my way back to the hotel and I decided that I would just stick around the hotel and order room service and read and watch the emmy's......I know totally lame, but I'm really tired after last night and I think a little jet lagged.......until tomorrow.
Here We go
For the next two weeks I'm on a trip for work....that in the end, will take me all over the place; Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Chicago. Sitting here in my hotel room, I can hardly believe just three weeks ago I was still temping and wondering what my next move was going to be. I had thought that I really had come to the end of my rope. I had been unemployed for five months and nothing. No job, no one calling for a job, nothing.
The whole time that I was not "working", I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seemed that I just up and quit my job on the whim of a breath......that may or may not be true.....I did it. And, I knew that the outcome may not be pretty. But, the more that I work at my new job; I have realized that "that", me quitting my job, was one of my defining moments in life.
We all have them, defining moments. The moment in time when we stand up to what ever it is that gives us a headache every night, when we tell ourselves "no more". That moment in life where we refuse to live, the way we did the day before. Everything changes from here on out........ Of course we, you, I, can have a million defining moments. In the end I just think that it's about recognizing those moments as such and not just a casual moment that just happens.
I'm glad that I've had another defining moment in my life. My first, I would have to say, came when I decided I would go to Purdue. I was the first person in my family to go to college, and I knew that in order to do "something" in life, I would have to go to college......my defining moment. The next came when I "came out" and started to tell those close to me that I was gay. I no longer wanted to keep my life a secret, I had another defining moment. The last one has been chronicled just a bit on this blog, so no need to go into detail about that.
So what's my latest defining moment?? I'm ready to be in a relationship......I know that I have written about my relationships....past and present. But, the truth is that every since I met this "new guy", I have realized that I'm ready to stand up once again and live the next day a little different then the previous one. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
The whole time that I was not "working", I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seemed that I just up and quit my job on the whim of a breath......that may or may not be true.....I did it. And, I knew that the outcome may not be pretty. But, the more that I work at my new job; I have realized that "that", me quitting my job, was one of my defining moments in life.
We all have them, defining moments. The moment in time when we stand up to what ever it is that gives us a headache every night, when we tell ourselves "no more". That moment in life where we refuse to live, the way we did the day before. Everything changes from here on out........ Of course we, you, I, can have a million defining moments. In the end I just think that it's about recognizing those moments as such and not just a casual moment that just happens.
I'm glad that I've had another defining moment in my life. My first, I would have to say, came when I decided I would go to Purdue. I was the first person in my family to go to college, and I knew that in order to do "something" in life, I would have to go to college......my defining moment. The next came when I "came out" and started to tell those close to me that I was gay. I no longer wanted to keep my life a secret, I had another defining moment. The last one has been chronicled just a bit on this blog, so no need to go into detail about that.
So what's my latest defining moment?? I'm ready to be in a relationship......I know that I have written about my relationships....past and present. But, the truth is that every since I met this "new guy", I have realized that I'm ready to stand up once again and live the next day a little different then the previous one. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Last night.....
So this is an e-mail that I sent to my friend this morning when I got to work; mind you that I'm suppose to be at work at 9am and I got here at 10am....oh well, I live for another day.... the one thing you need to know is that I had about 5 or 6 Jack and Coke's......what a way to start a night...
"So......after you left my drunk ass me and Tony went to Cobalt...where I had maybe half a drink. Then I was like...." I have to go". Nard, I could barely stand.....I was such a mess. So I left there and put myself in a cab.....I get in the cab and I'm like, " thank god I got out of there" so then I'm like I'll take a little nap........nope.....I go to put my head down in the cab and everything I drank came up in my mouth....so I open the door to the cab while it is still moving and puke......then I'm like...ok glad that's over....nope.....as soon as I close the door...I puke again....this time in the cab.....all over the door.....so the cab pulls over and I'm trying to wipe it off the handle so i can get out......before the cab driver could say anything to me...I throw $20 in the cab and run down Ust.........that's when I called Jeff and was like...I have to come over now..so I get over there and pass the fuck out.....wake up this morning and had no idea where I was.......I'm a mess"
So funny
"So......after you left my drunk ass me and Tony went to Cobalt...where I had maybe half a drink. Then I was like...." I have to go". Nard, I could barely stand.....I was such a mess. So I left there and put myself in a cab.....I get in the cab and I'm like, " thank god I got out of there" so then I'm like I'll take a little nap........nope.....I go to put my head down in the cab and everything I drank came up in my mouth....so I open the door to the cab while it is still moving and puke......then I'm like...ok glad that's over....nope.....as soon as I close the door...I puke again....this time in the cab.....all over the door.....so the cab pulls over and I'm trying to wipe it off the handle so i can get out......before the cab driver could say anything to me...I throw $20 in the cab and run down Ust.........that's when I called Jeff and was like...I have to come over now..so I get over there and pass the fuck out.....wake up this morning and had no idea where I was.......I'm a mess"
So funny
been gone for a min.
So upon the request or demands of some......bitches.........I'm going to post a new update.
Things have been going good with me. Met the really awesome guy, had three amazing days with him and then he moved to NYC. The crazy thing is, I can't stop thinking about him. Don't know if that is a good thing or not. We'll have to see how this pans out. I would love to see him again, but who knows.
Work is amazing. Having a really good time. Plus, it's always a good feeling, when you want to come to work, instead of dreading waking up in the morning. I don't know what is; maybe it's that I'm doing something that I want or that I actually have responsbilities here. Whatever it is, I hope it doesnt' stop.
Sorry about not updating in a while.....I promise I'll be better about it.
Things have been going good with me. Met the really awesome guy, had three amazing days with him and then he moved to NYC. The crazy thing is, I can't stop thinking about him. Don't know if that is a good thing or not. We'll have to see how this pans out. I would love to see him again, but who knows.
Work is amazing. Having a really good time. Plus, it's always a good feeling, when you want to come to work, instead of dreading waking up in the morning. I don't know what is; maybe it's that I'm doing something that I want or that I actually have responsbilities here. Whatever it is, I hope it doesnt' stop.
Sorry about not updating in a while.....I promise I'll be better about it.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
A sad day
I know that I haven't posted in a long time, I promise I will. So much to talk about.......new job, travel plans, a boy that I'm uber crazy about..........but I did want to say, please pray for all the victims and survivors of Hurricane Katrina. What is happening in the Gulf Coast is horrible and makes me extremely sad. If you can, give what you can. Every little bit will help. The New York Times offers a great link to a lot of different charities. Please get involved.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Get out of my head Pt. IV........
I don't think that I have ever cried so much in my entire life. After Rick left, I just sat there, on my back patio, crying. Thinking about how every time we are together, time always is against us. I just would like it if once, time wouldn't fight us, but instead make friends with us.
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.
So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.
In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.
So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.
In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A BITCH GOTTA A JOB
I HAVE A JOB, I HAVE A JOB....I'M SO EXCITED, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT TYPE IN UPPERCASE...........I WILL BE WORKING AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS COUNSELOR.......I WANTED THIS JOB SO BAD, AND THOUGHT THAT I WOULDN'T GET IT, BECAUSE I HAD INTERVIEWED FOR IT A MONTH AGO....BUT I DID....AND I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.....FIVE LONG MONTHS AND IT'S FINALLY OVER......THANKS TO ALL MY PEEPS THAT STUCK BY ME.......MEAN GIRLS, I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU......RUSSELL, THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE, AND OF COURSE LIKE ALL AWARD WINNERS (I FEEL LIKE I JUST WON AND ACADEMY AWARD) THANK YOU GOD.........
Get out of my head Pt. III
When I got back to the States, my head and my heart were still in Budapest at the airport waiting for someone to tell me it was all a dream and the me and Rick were still living together in our apartment, living our happy life together. Not the case. I got off the plane to see my mom waiting for me. Thank God for her smiling face, if not for her, I think that I would still been crying. I hugged my mom for a very long time; rather it was because I hadn't seen her in nine months or just the fact that I needed a hug so bad from someone, I don't know. But, I do know that it felt so good to be home.
After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.
Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.
The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).
My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.
The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....
After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.
Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.
The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).
My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.
The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....
Friday, August 05, 2005
Glory "days"
So I have to write about this, because I feel like it's too funny not to.
In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.
In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
It's Time
So I thought I would take a break from gay romance story...and talk about some other things going on in my life.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Get out of my head Pt. II
…I have to tell you that I don't think that I've ever torn off my clothes faster then that night. We had amazing sex that night. As I rolled over that morning a sinking feeling was in the pit of my stomach, what had I done last night? I didn't want to open my eyes for the longest time, but I told myself that I had to; I just needed to know if he was still there, or had it all been some crazy ass dream. In the end, I opened my eyes to find him still asleep in my arms, both of us still naked. After we got up, nothing had changed; there were no weird looks, or awkward moments of silence or stares. Instead the day went on very normal. We both ran errands that day, and passed each other going and coming. The whole day I kept telling myself not to think too much about it, just let it happen, don't force anything. But, I broke down and decided to stay up that night to talk to him once he came home. I couldn't act as though nothing had happened; I just had great sex, with a guy who I had a crush on for 4 months now. I had to break the silence that was going on in my head. When he finally got home, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. If you are ever in Budapest, the travel channel turns into porn from 2am-5am, hot. Anyway......I wasn't watching porn when he came on, instead, CNN was on. I acted as though I was very interested in what happened in some obscure place in the world, but really I wanted to tackle him at the door and start asking questions and making out. Instead I waited for him to get settled and eventually he came and joined me on the couch. I told him that I wasn't trying to force anything on him and if that was a one-time deal, I was sure as hell happy I could be there, but I understood if it didn't happen again, after all, he had a girlfriend. I told him about how I had wanted to make out with him the first time I saw him and how I had all these feelings for him. In return he told me that he also felt the same way, but he didn't know how to go about telling me. For a minute we didn't say anything for a while, instead we just looked at other. I didn't know what to do, let alone expect what was going to happen next. But, the next thing I know, we were embraced in a kiss that I probably won't ever forget. We kissed for a while, and we didn't stop there. Instead, we had sex again on the couch. We ended up sleeping in different beds that night, because the roommate was back from his trip and Rick didn't want him to know what was going on. This is how it went for a while, we would wait up for the roommate to go to sleep and then he would sneak into my bed and we would have sex (sometimes stealing condoms from said roommate), sometimes Rick would sleep in my bed, and sometimes he would kiss me goodnight and make his way back to his bed. I know that it sounds stupid that we were sneaking around our own place, but in the moment it was a feeling that I wouldn't take back. I was a kid again, and most of all I was happy, for the first time in a long time. Feelings grew as seasons changed; we spent more and more time together, outside of my bedroom, and in it. Eventually the roommate and everyone else in the program found out about Rick. Mostly because the roommate found out first, then felt like it was a secret that was killing him inside, because everyone was asking him. So Rick told everyone. In the end that was probably the best decision. Everyone knew that I was gay; I had no reason to hide it. And I guess they put two and two together about me and Rick spending so much time together. The program was coming to an end and by this time Rick and I spent almost every hour together. I was in love, and not afraid to tell anyone who would listen. There was something about Rick, we could just sit and talk about everything and nothing. Things between us just seemed so natural. Then came the last day. I was flying to Chicago, he to Minnesota. We decided to spend the entire day together. Even as I write this, I can see the entire day in front of me, as though it is permanently photographed in my mind. The day and the weather seemed to know that it was our last day and they both wanted it to be perfect. The sun was shining, with a nice breeze in front of it. We decided to go to all the places in Budapest that we wouldn't be able to visit once we were at home. We started by going to the mall, and then the bath (no not that kind, Budapest is known for their natural hot springs). At night, we went to our favorite pizza place and I knowing full well that we had to be up at the unGodly hour of 5am, wanted to go out to the place where it all began for us. He wasn’t that excited about going, he still had stuff to pack and he just wanted a quite night at home. But in the end, he gave in and we decided to go out. I brought a pair of leather pants with me to Budapest that I had not worn yet, saving them for a special occasion. I put them on and no sooner then I could say lets go, we started having sex again......in a word...." "(There are no words for how good it was). We made our way to the club, this time not getting lost. We stayed only for an hour, there was no one there, it was a Sunday night after all. Still just to please me, he waited a bit longer while I tried to take in every last moment that made my experience in Budapest on that I will never forget. We finally left and made our way back home. By the time we got home it was around 2am, I decided not to go to sleep, instead I just wanted to stay up and take it all in for one last time. He tried to stay up with me, talking about things, all the while fading in and out of sleep. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder. I in turn, stayed up and stared at him sleeping, crying all the while, wondering what turn mine or our life would take after we departed each other at the airport. At 5am I woke him up so that we could take our stuff downstairs to get onto a van headed for the airport. I thought that we would be able to steal a few last moments together on the van, be able to talk about us. It didn't happen. Instead we boarded an almost completely full van, which luckily had two empty seats next to each other. In those last moments, there was no talking; we just held each other's fingers, hoping that no one would catch us. We made it to the airport, after what seemed like a timeless journey. The entire time I just kept trying to fight back the tears that I knew were inevitable. His flight left an hour before mine and to our dismay we found out that we were at opposite ends of the airport. I waited for him to check his luggage; in return he did the same. But, because I got the dumbest airline worker ever, she took about 20mins to check my bag, by the time I got out of line he had to get going to his gate. They had already called his flight once. There was no long talks, longing glances, or even emotional stares, instead there was just a quick hug goodbye and a promise to call and write as soon as he got home. He turned and quickly took off for his gate. In that moment I didn’t know what to do, I went from being one of the happiest persons in the entire world to being one of the saddest. And like so many scene’s from stupid romance movies, I took off in his direction…. running, trying to catch up to him, just so I could tell him that I loved him. Instead, I only got to see the back of him as he went into his gate. And there I was, left in the airport, alone to wait for a plane. I cried for about an hour after he left, boarded the plane and still cried. I don't think that I stopped crying until I fell asleep..
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Get out of my head
I have to get this out of my head cause it is driving me crazy....It's about to be a bit lengthy...so settle in and just read it.
My Jr. year of college I decided to study abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Why did I go there, who knows, a lot of reasons,but....some things just were meant to happen. Anywho....I knew that studying abroad was going to be a time in my life when I would finally confront a lot of my own personal fears about where my life was going. Most importantly, I knew that I was going to confront the issue of being gay. I went over there with an open mind, knowing that for sometime I had these thoughts about being gay, but never really confronting them. I told myself, that this was going to be the chance to live the life that I thought I should have led a while ago.....
Once I arrived in Budapest a group of us made it to our dorm, where we would stay for the next couple of weeks while we were taking language classes. I happen to be on the same flight as one of the other guys that I was staying in a room with. Once we got into the room, we noticed a third bed was set-up and stuff was all around it, but no roommate. I then set-off by myself to see what was around the dorm and to make a couple of phone calls. I unknowingly took the only key to the room with me. When I returned to the room, there on the steps outside of the doorway was the best looking guy that I had ever seen. I stared for what seemed like hours into his eyes, not saying a word, just looking. Finally after snapping out of what felt like coma, I introduced myself and apologized for taking the key. He in return introduced himself, and we both made our way into our room. Over the next couple of days and weeks, I got to know him pretty well. We would talk about all kinds of things; why we were here, where we came from. Then one day, he told me about his girlfriend. At first I didn't know what to do, I just sat there with what I'm sure was the dumbest look on my face. In the same token, I never told him that I was gay, or what at the time was just an attraction towards guys, so why did I expect him to return the favor. From that moment on I told myself, that I would have to respect his boundaries and if he said he had a girlfriend, then he did not find guys attractive as I did. Fine, for the first day or two. But the more we hung out, the more I found myself always waiting to be around him; looking into his eyes, touch him (not even in a sexual manner), but I never did. Instead I found ways to keep myself busy, basically not hanging around him. Eventually I moved out of the dorm and into an amazing apartment with the other two guys that I stayed in the dorm with, him included. I told myself that as long as I stayed away from the apartment when he was there, I would be ok. I did just that by going out every nite. I eventually met someone at a bar and we began seeing each other. I was in the clear as far as my feelings for this guy, who I've decided I will call Rick, cause referring to him by "him" is not working. So I started dating this guy that lived in Budapest and therefore I spent less time around Rick. It was all working out, or so I thought.
Because, Rick and I were in the same study abroad program, we always saw each other in class and on trips. I couldn't get away and neither could my feelings for him. It had been three months since I met him on those steps, unable to speak, only stare. I still liked this guy, why?? I had never tried to make a move on him or anything. If anything we jokingly played around...pushing each other or saying stupid shit to one another, but never once did I try to kiss him or hold his hand. Finally, spring break came, and I decided that I needed time away from all of my feelings, Rick, and the boy I had just broken up with. I decided that I would take a week long trip by myself across nothern Italy and end in the southern coast of France. All in all it was good. Met some really amazing people, saw some great things, and best of all I got all of those feeling out of my head and dealt with, so I thought.
When I arrived back in Budapest, I came home to find Rick there with friends that were preparing to leave. I unpacked my bags and Rick took his friends to the train station. Our other roommate decided to leave the city for spring break, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the following week, therefore it was only Rick and I in the apartment. We decided to get something to eat...which in Budapest means that you decided to get appetizers and drink the rest of your dinner. After what seemed like hours of beers and conversation we made our way back to our apartment, I then started to talk about how I really wanted to go out seeing as though there were no classes the next day. To my surprise he said that he would like to come along if it was ok with me. Here it was, the moment I was waiting for, a chance to be with him and in of all places a gay bar. I told myself, that I wouldn't try anything, not unless he initiated it. We continued to drink until we got ready to go out, which in retrospect, was probably not the best idea. We eventually made our way to the club and started drinking. At first I felt very uncomfortable with him in this bar. I had been there many of times, but never with him. I was worried that he was going to get hit on, and then would want to leave, after all he had a girlfriend. But, by the end of the night, we were having a great time, talking and drinking. I finally summoned up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go dance....he said yes, with little hesitation. As soon as we get to the dance floor everything disappears; no music, no other people, just us. After dancing for what seemed like some time, something happened, we looked at each other as though we just realized that we were both there and we kissed. I don't remember who kissed who, I just know that we kissed and I remember it lasting for sometime. Neither one of us backed down or pulled away....it was as though it was meant to be. After kissing for a while, we decided to leave the club........I'll write this story in parts.......you'll just have to wait.
My Jr. year of college I decided to study abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Why did I go there, who knows, a lot of reasons,but....some things just were meant to happen. Anywho....I knew that studying abroad was going to be a time in my life when I would finally confront a lot of my own personal fears about where my life was going. Most importantly, I knew that I was going to confront the issue of being gay. I went over there with an open mind, knowing that for sometime I had these thoughts about being gay, but never really confronting them. I told myself, that this was going to be the chance to live the life that I thought I should have led a while ago.....
Once I arrived in Budapest a group of us made it to our dorm, where we would stay for the next couple of weeks while we were taking language classes. I happen to be on the same flight as one of the other guys that I was staying in a room with. Once we got into the room, we noticed a third bed was set-up and stuff was all around it, but no roommate. I then set-off by myself to see what was around the dorm and to make a couple of phone calls. I unknowingly took the only key to the room with me. When I returned to the room, there on the steps outside of the doorway was the best looking guy that I had ever seen. I stared for what seemed like hours into his eyes, not saying a word, just looking. Finally after snapping out of what felt like coma, I introduced myself and apologized for taking the key. He in return introduced himself, and we both made our way into our room. Over the next couple of days and weeks, I got to know him pretty well. We would talk about all kinds of things; why we were here, where we came from. Then one day, he told me about his girlfriend. At first I didn't know what to do, I just sat there with what I'm sure was the dumbest look on my face. In the same token, I never told him that I was gay, or what at the time was just an attraction towards guys, so why did I expect him to return the favor. From that moment on I told myself, that I would have to respect his boundaries and if he said he had a girlfriend, then he did not find guys attractive as I did. Fine, for the first day or two. But the more we hung out, the more I found myself always waiting to be around him; looking into his eyes, touch him (not even in a sexual manner), but I never did. Instead I found ways to keep myself busy, basically not hanging around him. Eventually I moved out of the dorm and into an amazing apartment with the other two guys that I stayed in the dorm with, him included. I told myself that as long as I stayed away from the apartment when he was there, I would be ok. I did just that by going out every nite. I eventually met someone at a bar and we began seeing each other. I was in the clear as far as my feelings for this guy, who I've decided I will call Rick, cause referring to him by "him" is not working. So I started dating this guy that lived in Budapest and therefore I spent less time around Rick. It was all working out, or so I thought.
Because, Rick and I were in the same study abroad program, we always saw each other in class and on trips. I couldn't get away and neither could my feelings for him. It had been three months since I met him on those steps, unable to speak, only stare. I still liked this guy, why?? I had never tried to make a move on him or anything. If anything we jokingly played around...pushing each other or saying stupid shit to one another, but never once did I try to kiss him or hold his hand. Finally, spring break came, and I decided that I needed time away from all of my feelings, Rick, and the boy I had just broken up with. I decided that I would take a week long trip by myself across nothern Italy and end in the southern coast of France. All in all it was good. Met some really amazing people, saw some great things, and best of all I got all of those feeling out of my head and dealt with, so I thought.
When I arrived back in Budapest, I came home to find Rick there with friends that were preparing to leave. I unpacked my bags and Rick took his friends to the train station. Our other roommate decided to leave the city for spring break, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the following week, therefore it was only Rick and I in the apartment. We decided to get something to eat...which in Budapest means that you decided to get appetizers and drink the rest of your dinner. After what seemed like hours of beers and conversation we made our way back to our apartment, I then started to talk about how I really wanted to go out seeing as though there were no classes the next day. To my surprise he said that he would like to come along if it was ok with me. Here it was, the moment I was waiting for, a chance to be with him and in of all places a gay bar. I told myself, that I wouldn't try anything, not unless he initiated it. We continued to drink until we got ready to go out, which in retrospect, was probably not the best idea. We eventually made our way to the club and started drinking. At first I felt very uncomfortable with him in this bar. I had been there many of times, but never with him. I was worried that he was going to get hit on, and then would want to leave, after all he had a girlfriend. But, by the end of the night, we were having a great time, talking and drinking. I finally summoned up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go dance....he said yes, with little hesitation. As soon as we get to the dance floor everything disappears; no music, no other people, just us. After dancing for what seemed like some time, something happened, we looked at each other as though we just realized that we were both there and we kissed. I don't remember who kissed who, I just know that we kissed and I remember it lasting for sometime. Neither one of us backed down or pulled away....it was as though it was meant to be. After kissing for a while, we decided to leave the club........I'll write this story in parts.......you'll just have to wait.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Riding a bike
So at first I didn't think that I was going to write about this...but then I figured why not, it might help someone...
So last week I was really upset with one of my friends for doing something that I felt was one of the lowest things one person can do to another that they call "friend". To make a long story short, he basically slept with someone that I've had a crush on, a known crush at that, for a while. At first I didn't know what to do or say. I almost felt like that Dave Chappelle skit...."when keeping it real goes wrong", I kept telling myself, to just calm down and don't over-react, but keep it real. I knew the best thing to do was to let everything settle down for a second and to think about what I really wanted to say and do. After talking it over with a couple of friends, it was decided that the best thing to do was to e-mail him all of my thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Which I felt was good, because I had already decided that I couldn't talk to him face to face, cause I was really upset at the time. In the end I wrote him an e-mail and told him how I felt about the situation and that I thought it best if we didn't talk for a few days. He replied to my e-mail, an apology for hurting me, and we didn't talk for a couple of days. While not talking to him, I thought about how much I missed our conversations....and what our friendship really meant to me. Without him, I probably would be a totally different person, not living where I currently do, and not enjoying life as much. I know, a lot for one friendship. But, I met him at a point in my life were I didn't have any clue on what or where to go or do. It was through our friendship that I answered a lot of those questions. Last Thursday came around and we finally met for drinks and some conversations, and the first thing we did was hug.....it felt good, like riding a bike.....you never forget. In the end I decided that some boy was not worth a friendship that changed my life. Instead, I decided to pick myself up, dust off my feelings and get on that bike again. THANKS...
So last week I was really upset with one of my friends for doing something that I felt was one of the lowest things one person can do to another that they call "friend". To make a long story short, he basically slept with someone that I've had a crush on, a known crush at that, for a while. At first I didn't know what to do or say. I almost felt like that Dave Chappelle skit...."when keeping it real goes wrong", I kept telling myself, to just calm down and don't over-react, but keep it real. I knew the best thing to do was to let everything settle down for a second and to think about what I really wanted to say and do. After talking it over with a couple of friends, it was decided that the best thing to do was to e-mail him all of my thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Which I felt was good, because I had already decided that I couldn't talk to him face to face, cause I was really upset at the time. In the end I wrote him an e-mail and told him how I felt about the situation and that I thought it best if we didn't talk for a few days. He replied to my e-mail, an apology for hurting me, and we didn't talk for a couple of days. While not talking to him, I thought about how much I missed our conversations....and what our friendship really meant to me. Without him, I probably would be a totally different person, not living where I currently do, and not enjoying life as much. I know, a lot for one friendship. But, I met him at a point in my life were I didn't have any clue on what or where to go or do. It was through our friendship that I answered a lot of those questions. Last Thursday came around and we finally met for drinks and some conversations, and the first thing we did was hug.....it felt good, like riding a bike.....you never forget. In the end I decided that some boy was not worth a friendship that changed my life. Instead, I decided to pick myself up, dust off my feelings and get on that bike again. THANKS...
the newest thing
I recently, thanks to the tempjob that I have, found Yahoo, IM......it is by far one of the most time comsuming, fun times that I've ever had while doing nothing. You can play games with people, create a person that looks like you that others can see when talking, and a host of other things. It is amazing....you should check it out......I think you can just go to their site and download it...
The goings On
So I know that I haven't posted in a while, things have been a little crazy this past week so I had to take a break from something. This way all the crazy thoughts just got stored and now they are ready to come out.
I have somewhat moved from my former address....which in retrospect I'm really going to miss. It was a bit out of the way from the things that I normally do in my life, but I loved it cause it was a house. I have so many friends here and in other cities that live in apartments the size of what use to be my bathroom. It was nice, two bedroom, two bath, two levels......a lot of two's. But it had so much space. I really liked it. But trying to bring tricks and or anyone else back was a bit of a challenge. So I decided to let the lease end without renewing it, in hopes of finding a place closer and more convenient to the things that I do. So we'll see, no luck as of yet, but moving and trying to find a job, has proved to be a bit of a larger task then I first thought.
Speaking of a job, I'm still in the same position as last time I wrote. I still temp at this one place, for whatever reason. I guess cause it's easy money. I really don't do much. When I am given a task to do, I do it a lot faster then most people who have probably had this job, so my boss' look at me like I'm crazy when they pass by....oh well. I have finally gotten another job, which I don't know if I'm going to write about. I might.....that will take some thought on my part. I'm sure that I will have no choice but to write about it. We'll see...if anything it should be good, cause I will have the chance to make some extra money. So.....
Other then that, not much else is going on, I have this new plan in my head to start taking better care of myself. We'll see how that goes. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better, working out, and not drink as much, then something crazy happens ......i.e., quit my job or some stupid boy, then I say "fuck it" and forget about taking care of myself. Just lately I've been really unhappy with my body. It's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything, but after I graduated from high school my body was so much better....I hate getting older. So I've decided that I'm going to join a gym next week....would this week, but I'm still in the process of moving and I really don't have time. Next week should be a lot more calmer...we'll see
I have somewhat moved from my former address....which in retrospect I'm really going to miss. It was a bit out of the way from the things that I normally do in my life, but I loved it cause it was a house. I have so many friends here and in other cities that live in apartments the size of what use to be my bathroom. It was nice, two bedroom, two bath, two levels......a lot of two's. But it had so much space. I really liked it. But trying to bring tricks and or anyone else back was a bit of a challenge. So I decided to let the lease end without renewing it, in hopes of finding a place closer and more convenient to the things that I do. So we'll see, no luck as of yet, but moving and trying to find a job, has proved to be a bit of a larger task then I first thought.
Speaking of a job, I'm still in the same position as last time I wrote. I still temp at this one place, for whatever reason. I guess cause it's easy money. I really don't do much. When I am given a task to do, I do it a lot faster then most people who have probably had this job, so my boss' look at me like I'm crazy when they pass by....oh well. I have finally gotten another job, which I don't know if I'm going to write about. I might.....that will take some thought on my part. I'm sure that I will have no choice but to write about it. We'll see...if anything it should be good, cause I will have the chance to make some extra money. So.....
Other then that, not much else is going on, I have this new plan in my head to start taking better care of myself. We'll see how that goes. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better, working out, and not drink as much, then something crazy happens ......i.e., quit my job or some stupid boy, then I say "fuck it" and forget about taking care of myself. Just lately I've been really unhappy with my body. It's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything, but after I graduated from high school my body was so much better....I hate getting older. So I've decided that I'm going to join a gym next week....would this week, but I'm still in the process of moving and I really don't have time. Next week should be a lot more calmer...we'll see
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Anew
So,
Yesterday I have to say was one of the worst days in my life in the past 5months. With the whole job thing kind of falling through, I just got to thinking that maybe I made the mistake.....maybe this time it was my fault and not someone else's. So, I tried my first crack at being an alcoholic. Overall, not fun. I don't see how people do it. I mean I probably had 5 beers and two shots and after it was all said and done I just felt like shit. Don't think I will be doing that again. I even met my friends out and even they couldn't cheer me up (which means that something was def. wrong) So I grabbed a cab with Bernie and headed home around 10pm. Once I departed Bernie, I started to walk home and turned on my Shuffle; the first song that came on was D-child's "Happy Face".....I remember before I left for college, my mom, sister, and I were in the car going somewhere and this song came on. My sister immediately turned up the radio and her and my mom started to jam out to the song....if you don't know it here are some lyrics;
I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face......
Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile
Here I was in the back of my mom's Accord looking at two grown women singing as though they came up with the lyrics. After the song ended I asked my mom how she knew the words ( my sister is a huge Dchild's fan) My mom told me that she heard my sister listening to the song one day and really connected to the words, she was having a bad day. So she went on to tell me that whenever she is having a down day, or things aren't going her way she listens to the song and comes out feeling like a totally different person. I just sat there and thought....."is this my mom".
The next song after "happy face" was one of my favorites..."You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Now, if you don't know this song, I will forgive you this one time. Here are some lyrics....
I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him....
You can’'t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
This song I had heard a long time ago, but when I went to school it was a favorite of my fraternity’s. The words always make me thing that sometimes no matter what you do, something’s don't work out. And, in the end that's ok.....because they will at some point as long as you keep trying.
Hearing these two songs put my whole shitty day into perspective. Did I do the right thing in quitting my job, hell yeah. Is it going to be hard getting a new one, hell yeah. But, as long as I don't give up, keep trying, and keep a smile on my face with my chin up, everything will be ok.
Thank God for Destiny's Child and the Rolling Stones
Yesterday I have to say was one of the worst days in my life in the past 5months. With the whole job thing kind of falling through, I just got to thinking that maybe I made the mistake.....maybe this time it was my fault and not someone else's. So, I tried my first crack at being an alcoholic. Overall, not fun. I don't see how people do it. I mean I probably had 5 beers and two shots and after it was all said and done I just felt like shit. Don't think I will be doing that again. I even met my friends out and even they couldn't cheer me up (which means that something was def. wrong) So I grabbed a cab with Bernie and headed home around 10pm. Once I departed Bernie, I started to walk home and turned on my Shuffle; the first song that came on was D-child's "Happy Face".....I remember before I left for college, my mom, sister, and I were in the car going somewhere and this song came on. My sister immediately turned up the radio and her and my mom started to jam out to the song....if you don't know it here are some lyrics;
I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face......
Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile
Here I was in the back of my mom's Accord looking at two grown women singing as though they came up with the lyrics. After the song ended I asked my mom how she knew the words ( my sister is a huge Dchild's fan) My mom told me that she heard my sister listening to the song one day and really connected to the words, she was having a bad day. So she went on to tell me that whenever she is having a down day, or things aren't going her way she listens to the song and comes out feeling like a totally different person. I just sat there and thought....."is this my mom".
The next song after "happy face" was one of my favorites..."You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Now, if you don't know this song, I will forgive you this one time. Here are some lyrics....
I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him....
You can’'t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
This song I had heard a long time ago, but when I went to school it was a favorite of my fraternity’s. The words always make me thing that sometimes no matter what you do, something’s don't work out. And, in the end that's ok.....because they will at some point as long as you keep trying.
Hearing these two songs put my whole shitty day into perspective. Did I do the right thing in quitting my job, hell yeah. Is it going to be hard getting a new one, hell yeah. But, as long as I don't give up, keep trying, and keep a smile on my face with my chin up, everything will be ok.
Thank God for Destiny's Child and the Rolling Stones
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Update
So......here is where I am.
The job that was offered to me has been pushed back until mid-august. Because I am contracted thru a staffing company, the current company I am at does not want to buy me out of my contract, therefore if they wait until mid-august they won't have to. So the short story is that I will continue working at my current job until mid-august. When that time comes, if they still want me they will offer me the position. So.....basically I'm still without a job. Life sucks...on top of that I'm feeling very shitty today and just want to go back to bed. Oh well.....
The job that was offered to me has been pushed back until mid-august. Because I am contracted thru a staffing company, the current company I am at does not want to buy me out of my contract, therefore if they wait until mid-august they won't have to. So the short story is that I will continue working at my current job until mid-august. When that time comes, if they still want me they will offer me the position. So.....basically I'm still without a job. Life sucks...on top of that I'm feeling very shitty today and just want to go back to bed. Oh well.....
Thursday, July 07, 2005
How do I know
Every time I think of this phrase I hear little Whitney in my head......"How do I know..." then put my own words into the following chorus and verses'. Fun I know.. Well know I'm asking myself "how do I know what to do next." Here's the story....I have been temping at this place for some time now. I think that I've been here since the middle of may and now it's almost the middle of July. Go figure....anywho. Now, the place that I'm temping at wants me to work here full time. And, of course I don't know what to do. It's not like I do anything super hard here. I do admin stuff, which is actually pretty nice. My boss is great. Never really on my back about stuff, plus I kind of get things done when I want. There are two things wrong with the job though; 1. It's not very hard, the work that is. 2. It's not really what I want to do. But as soon as I list reason #2 I think to myself, what else am I going to do. I've been unemployed for damn near 5 months and I'm so tired of it. I want benefits, a place that I can call work, instead of picking up my checks every week in a different place. I hate it. But, I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I'm still looking for a job in recruiting, but to no avail I've found nothing. All the places that I've interviewed with are like, you just don't have enough experience. So I'm like, maybe I should get back into buying. I know that I can do it, it just has to be at the right place. So I've still been interviewing for a couple of buying jobs, but nothing there either. So I guess the question is, do I go for the for sure thing, by the way nothing is for sure or do I keep climbing a hill that doesn't seem to have an end to it and keep looking for a job in something that I want??? For right now, it's going to remain a question......
Friday, July 01, 2005
Memories...
I love the song "memories" from the movie "the way we were".......but somehow, not one of the memories from San Fran are water-colored, instead they are all live and in color in my head and I can't help but to laugh every time I think about my short time out there for pride. So, like some of my buddies here are my Top Ten reasons to go to San Francisco Pride, but of course these things will only happen when you bring us along....
10. A placed called "Daddy's" is always fun after you have been at a BOGO happy hour for two hours
9. The Golden gate bridge is always an amazing backdrop for all sorts of pic
8. BOGO drink specials can never be passed up
7. Nothing says gay like a "Pink Party", where there isn't so much pink, but a whole lot of Party.
6. Waking up at 11pm to go party until 6am is always a good idea
5. Walking tours of San Francisco are offered at 6am on parade mornings
4. You may get to see Deborah Cox in the same outfit
3. Tinker Tank Tinker Tank
2. Only in a City miles away from where you live will you run into a grown man that denies being at a bar you go to every week
1. Nothing makes you slide across a floor further then linoleum tile
10. A placed called "Daddy's" is always fun after you have been at a BOGO happy hour for two hours
9. The Golden gate bridge is always an amazing backdrop for all sorts of pic
8. BOGO drink specials can never be passed up
7. Nothing says gay like a "Pink Party", where there isn't so much pink, but a whole lot of Party.
6. Waking up at 11pm to go party until 6am is always a good idea
5. Walking tours of San Francisco are offered at 6am on parade mornings
4. You may get to see Deborah Cox in the same outfit
3. Tinker Tank Tinker Tank
2. Only in a City miles away from where you live will you run into a grown man that denies being at a bar you go to every week
1. Nothing makes you slide across a floor further then linoleum tile
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I need a VA-CA
So pride season is over for another year.....no more parties, no more opening and closing parties, just memories now. So many that I'm too tired to write about them. I will fill you in on all of what San Fran had to offer in a little bit. I'll just tell you this, we went to a club that opens on Friday nite at 10pm and doesn't close until Sunday at 8pm.....trust, you'll love the stories.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
BreakDowns
Today while running some errands with Chaz, this woman in the bank was having a complete breakdown, in the middle of the bank. I kept telling Chaz how someone should go over there and slap her back into reality. I told him how women, especially women, should not have break downs in public. A lady, does not cry or show emotions in public, instead she will wait until she is in the privacy of her own bedroom, and only then cry if it's necessary. As much as I was joking at the time, I was being kind of serious. Think about it, if someone was there to slap Mariah a little sooner, we wouldn't have had to sit thru "Charm Bracelet" and "Glitter". Instead she had a break down in public and did all that stupid shit. Finally someone walked in her room and slapped that bitch back into reality. Now, we have the "Emancipation of MiMi", which is among one of her best albums, yet. Whitney is the same way. If someone would have slapped her back to reality when she met Bobby Brown, she would have never gotten married to that crack head. There would have been no crack sweats on national TV or during concerts and/or award shows. It seems with her, that someone is there trying to slap her just a little bit,maybe afraid to hurt her or her voice, but I just don't think that they are doing it hard enough. The bitch needs a good ol'e Black mama slap. You know the kind you got when you rolled your eyes or accidentally said "shit" or "fuck" to your mom. And, she back-handed the shit out of you. That's what Whitney needs, anyone up for slapping that bitch??
Words and their power
So if I have learned one thing from having the blog for a couple of months, it's that people take every word of it for real. Sometimes, the way that people tell me that they read my blog, you would think that God himself had taken time out of his day to right this thing. If you know me, like most people who read this blog, I'm not a very serious person, most of the time. There are somethings that I discuss on here that point no fingers and get right to the point. They are serious in tone and manner. But, the majority of the stuff written on here is stupid stuff that goes on in my life. Some of the details are exaggerated, some or not. Sometimes it's just a case of you having to have been there to get how stupid and "out of hand" me and my friends can get. Let's not forget, that I write as it comes out of my head, not everything gets the double check or even edited for that matter. So if I say anything that offends you, gets under your skin, or you feel as though you are being attacked in general, please drop me an e-mail, come talk to me, before you assume anything. Because, as my tells me to this day....."When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME......
I can't even
I can not handle today......
Tomorrow I leave for San Francisco, for Gay Pride and I can not wait. I went last year and had an amazing time. The parties, the boys, the scene, it was all such a great time, especially for a boy from St. Louis.
Growing up I always watched on the news the Gay Pride events that happened across the country; from New York to San Francisco. Of course, my mother would be in the background saying how silly all those people looked with their rainbow flags and or leather chaps. But, something in me always told me that I would be one of those people one day, holding that rainbow flag and a big ole smile on my face.
The first time I went to a gay bar I was living in Budapest, Hungary. I had always heard about them; the bouncing music, the boys with no shirts, and of course the drugs. Somehow I didn't believe any of this. I had pictured in my mind instead that the media had placed all these images in people's minds to get them turned off about gay culture in general. Boy was I wrong. The first club I went to was called Angel. It is one of Budapest oldest gay bars, so old that it's actually under ground. It was built that way, because when Hungary was a communist state, it wasn't really that cool to be gay nor seen in a gay bar. So they built the club with an upstairs part that was just a bar and a showroom for drag show and/or other performances. This way if they ever got busted by the cops, they could just pretend that it was a normal club. The dance floor on the other hand is underground. You actually can see the hole that was dug to build the dance floor. It smells as though you have just dug a million miles below the earth and at the end there is this great dance floor. I walk in there for the first time with a kid that I really didn't know that well from my study abroad program and this other girl. She was such a faghag, but I love her. He on the other hand was a dick....We would later fuck around once and after that I/he lost interest in the whole thing after I got my first "boyfriend". Anywho....side note....
The club smelled of men. It's an odor that can't really be described....kind of a mixture of must, sweat, and a bunch of different colognes. Either way the smell is intoxicating, for me anyway. As I make my way through the club, I notice that people are staring at me a little more then what I'm use to, then I notice that I'm the only black guy in the place. For me this is nothing strange and/or unusual. I don't really ever pay attention to things like this, but this time it was different, it was if I was a lost treasure or maybe an oddity. Either way I decided not to let it bother me and to just enjoy myself, after all it was my first gay bar. The guy I cam in with bought me a drink and we made our way thru the club. I wanted to stop and look/notice every little thing; the people, the drag queens, the music, I wanted to take it all in. After sitting upstairs for a while, we decided to make our way to the dance floor. In order to get there we had to go down what looked like a mine shaft, complete with jagged rocks from the wall while you descended the stairs. We made our way down there and I thought I had found heaven. The music was blasting, everyone had a drink in their hand, and almost every guy down there had their shirt off. It was everything that it was made out to be. I couldn't help myself, I don't know whether it was the alcohol that was running through my system or the fact that my body was experiencing pure joy, but I hit that dance floor so hard that I immediately started to sweat. After dancing for what seemed like hours, I decided to take a break and look for the people that I had come with, they had long left me to enjoy my self, by myself. I found them upstairs sitting down enjoying a drink and talking about all things politics. As soon as I heard President Bush's name I decided that I was not going to let my night end like this. I picked up my drink and marched right back to the dance floor. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I was now dancing with an older gentleman who had his shirt off and nothing but muscles underneath. After persuading me that I had a nice body, I took my shirt off also and felt as though I had just sighed the biggest sigh ever. The next time I looked at my watch it was well after 3am and I thought that I better find my friends. I went back upstairs and frantically searched for them, but to no end they were not to be found. I made my way to the corner of the bar and called the guy who came with me. He informed me that after they saw me sweating with this older guy with no shirt on, they were sure that I didn't need them anymore and it would be best if they left. Needless to say I was pissed and a little scared.
As much as I had enjoyed myself, being there in the moment. I was brought back to reality very quickly...I no longer heard the music or saw the boys, instead now I was thinking about how I was going to get home. I decided to take a seat and figure out a plan. I didn't exactly remember how we got to this club in a dark alley, but I knew that we hadn't spent that much time in the cab from my place. So I knew I was somewhat close enough to walk and or take a cab. As I was formulating a plan, the guy I had been dancing with had joined me at the table. I didn't even notice that he had sat down. When I finally noticed him, he had the biggest smile on his face. Now, I know what your saying..."hello stupid, this man is trying to take you home and get some booty." But somehow I felt different about him. Even though this was my first time in a Gay Bar, it was not my first time with a man. I decided that I had nothing else better to do, so why not talk to him for a minute. After talking for an hour, I found out that he was actually a principal at a local middle school and that he was an olympic bodybuilder. So of course I was intrigued now. We talked a little while longer and I noticed that it was not a quater to five. I knew that it was time for me to go home. As I got ready to tell Stephen ( that would be the name of over half the men in Budapest) I was heading home, he asked if I would like a ride home. Now, again, I know what you are saying...."why are you going to get in this man's car, you don't even know him, and you are not even in America. Who knows where he would take you and leave you." But of course I had watched Oprah a lot before I left for Hungary, and I remembered a show where she talked about being safe when you meet people for the first time. So I text my roommate the name of this guy and his number and also that he was taking me home. Once we made our way to his car, we talked some more and in the end I woke up next to him at his place.
Everything that I had heard about gay clubs, read about them all seemed true when I woke up that morning. Me and Stephen talked some more that morning before he took me home, and in the end we actually dated for four months. So as I get ready to go to Gay clubs and bars again, I will have that feeling; that excitement, wanting to take everything in, notice everything...and who knows, maybe even wakeup next to someone.
Tomorrow I leave for San Francisco, for Gay Pride and I can not wait. I went last year and had an amazing time. The parties, the boys, the scene, it was all such a great time, especially for a boy from St. Louis.
Growing up I always watched on the news the Gay Pride events that happened across the country; from New York to San Francisco. Of course, my mother would be in the background saying how silly all those people looked with their rainbow flags and or leather chaps. But, something in me always told me that I would be one of those people one day, holding that rainbow flag and a big ole smile on my face.
The first time I went to a gay bar I was living in Budapest, Hungary. I had always heard about them; the bouncing music, the boys with no shirts, and of course the drugs. Somehow I didn't believe any of this. I had pictured in my mind instead that the media had placed all these images in people's minds to get them turned off about gay culture in general. Boy was I wrong. The first club I went to was called Angel. It is one of Budapest oldest gay bars, so old that it's actually under ground. It was built that way, because when Hungary was a communist state, it wasn't really that cool to be gay nor seen in a gay bar. So they built the club with an upstairs part that was just a bar and a showroom for drag show and/or other performances. This way if they ever got busted by the cops, they could just pretend that it was a normal club. The dance floor on the other hand is underground. You actually can see the hole that was dug to build the dance floor. It smells as though you have just dug a million miles below the earth and at the end there is this great dance floor. I walk in there for the first time with a kid that I really didn't know that well from my study abroad program and this other girl. She was such a faghag, but I love her. He on the other hand was a dick....We would later fuck around once and after that I/he lost interest in the whole thing after I got my first "boyfriend". Anywho....side note....
The club smelled of men. It's an odor that can't really be described....kind of a mixture of must, sweat, and a bunch of different colognes. Either way the smell is intoxicating, for me anyway. As I make my way through the club, I notice that people are staring at me a little more then what I'm use to, then I notice that I'm the only black guy in the place. For me this is nothing strange and/or unusual. I don't really ever pay attention to things like this, but this time it was different, it was if I was a lost treasure or maybe an oddity. Either way I decided not to let it bother me and to just enjoy myself, after all it was my first gay bar. The guy I cam in with bought me a drink and we made our way thru the club. I wanted to stop and look/notice every little thing; the people, the drag queens, the music, I wanted to take it all in. After sitting upstairs for a while, we decided to make our way to the dance floor. In order to get there we had to go down what looked like a mine shaft, complete with jagged rocks from the wall while you descended the stairs. We made our way down there and I thought I had found heaven. The music was blasting, everyone had a drink in their hand, and almost every guy down there had their shirt off. It was everything that it was made out to be. I couldn't help myself, I don't know whether it was the alcohol that was running through my system or the fact that my body was experiencing pure joy, but I hit that dance floor so hard that I immediately started to sweat. After dancing for what seemed like hours, I decided to take a break and look for the people that I had come with, they had long left me to enjoy my self, by myself. I found them upstairs sitting down enjoying a drink and talking about all things politics. As soon as I heard President Bush's name I decided that I was not going to let my night end like this. I picked up my drink and marched right back to the dance floor. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I was now dancing with an older gentleman who had his shirt off and nothing but muscles underneath. After persuading me that I had a nice body, I took my shirt off also and felt as though I had just sighed the biggest sigh ever. The next time I looked at my watch it was well after 3am and I thought that I better find my friends. I went back upstairs and frantically searched for them, but to no end they were not to be found. I made my way to the corner of the bar and called the guy who came with me. He informed me that after they saw me sweating with this older guy with no shirt on, they were sure that I didn't need them anymore and it would be best if they left. Needless to say I was pissed and a little scared.
As much as I had enjoyed myself, being there in the moment. I was brought back to reality very quickly...I no longer heard the music or saw the boys, instead now I was thinking about how I was going to get home. I decided to take a seat and figure out a plan. I didn't exactly remember how we got to this club in a dark alley, but I knew that we hadn't spent that much time in the cab from my place. So I knew I was somewhat close enough to walk and or take a cab. As I was formulating a plan, the guy I had been dancing with had joined me at the table. I didn't even notice that he had sat down. When I finally noticed him, he had the biggest smile on his face. Now, I know what your saying..."hello stupid, this man is trying to take you home and get some booty." But somehow I felt different about him. Even though this was my first time in a Gay Bar, it was not my first time with a man. I decided that I had nothing else better to do, so why not talk to him for a minute. After talking for an hour, I found out that he was actually a principal at a local middle school and that he was an olympic bodybuilder. So of course I was intrigued now. We talked a little while longer and I noticed that it was not a quater to five. I knew that it was time for me to go home. As I got ready to tell Stephen ( that would be the name of over half the men in Budapest) I was heading home, he asked if I would like a ride home. Now, again, I know what you are saying...."why are you going to get in this man's car, you don't even know him, and you are not even in America. Who knows where he would take you and leave you." But of course I had watched Oprah a lot before I left for Hungary, and I remembered a show where she talked about being safe when you meet people for the first time. So I text my roommate the name of this guy and his number and also that he was taking me home. Once we made our way to his car, we talked some more and in the end I woke up next to him at his place.
Everything that I had heard about gay clubs, read about them all seemed true when I woke up that morning. Me and Stephen talked some more that morning before he took me home, and in the end we actually dated for four months. So as I get ready to go to Gay clubs and bars again, I will have that feeling; that excitement, wanting to take everything in, notice everything...and who knows, maybe even wakeup next to someone.
Monday, June 20, 2005
the weekend that was
This past weekend had all the intent of being one that would not "get out of hand." But like many things, it didn't happen. Thurs. my friend Chuck's mom was in town. I have to say that I am a lover of mom's. If your mom is cool and loves to laugh, we will be best friends. So needless to say, Chuck's mom loves to laugh. So Bernie and myself met Chuck and his mom at this breeder bar. Something told us that as much as we love Jr's, it probably wasn't the place to takes ones mom. In the end, it was a really good time. We drank our faces off. For some reason, Bernie thought it would be a good idea to start the night with Jack and Coke, little did he know that our night would end with us having drank about 5 or 6 of them. The whole time there, Chuck's mom was telling stories and drinking. It was great to see his mom, be herself in front of two people that she only met once. By the end of the night we were all shitfaced and ready to leave the bar. At one point we thought about sleeping in the bar, but then decided against it. After leaving the breeder bar, Bernie and I thought it would be a good idea to head to Jr's, for what I don't know, but needless to say we got there just in time to take the free 12 o'clock shot. To bad we didn't take it, probably because we were already pretty drunk.
Friday, saw us start the night at Lauriol Plaza. Now as I have written before, you are always in for a good time when you start you evening there. I met Bernie there for a drink or two, which in turn turned into three pitchers. Luckily, Chuck and Chris showed up. On second thought I don't think it was that lucky, cause we still ended up pretty wasted. After leaving Lauriol, Bernie and myself needed to go home and change for the evening. Of course we could not end the night here like any sane person would have. Since I don't have a car anymore.....that is another story, not really just got rid of the bootlegg...anyway, Bernie thought it would be a good idea to walk home. Now, the problem is not so much the walking, the walk itself is not long at all about 20-25 walk. The problem comes when are intoxicated and unable to walk. So after screaming at Bernie for trying to make me walk, we hoped in a cab and hoped right back in on after changing. We made our way back to Jr's, I can't really tell you much of what happened, cause I don't remember it. I know that Chris couldn't keep his eyes open and instead used a man he didn't know as a pole that he could make out with....that's all I'll say. The night ended, with little fanfare, I honestly don't remember.
Sat, Bernie and I decided that we would make something out of ourselves, since the past couple of days had been spent drinking. We walked from Bernie's to the Zoo, headed out with manurse's that had apples and water. Don't know how long of a walk is, but I know that in all we walked for about four hours when it was said and done. I had never been to the zoo before in DC, so it was a good time. We saw some kind of rodent do a move that many of my friends are familiar with. After much running around and sniffing of her partners butt, she arched her back perfectly in the air and allowed him to do his business (that line is from color purple, if you haven't seen the movie, may God have mercy on your soul.) It was a good way to end our trip to the zoo. After the Zoo, Bernie and I walked to get something to eat, organic Chinese food, it was treat your body right day after all. Then, we walked to the circle and meet up with Chuck and his mom. It's been a while since I've seen a parent with a hangover, I think it was homecoming last year, but needless to say, she and chuck were both fun to talk to. After the circle went to see "Batman Begins"......really good movie, a lot better then I thought it was going to be. I love Christian Bale and now want to have his kids. After the movie, made our way back to Jr's and then went home. All in all a good day, not being drunk and all
Sunday, I decided that I would spend some time with self. Caught up on some reading and watched some good looking men pass by. Meet some friends and ended up but where else, JR's.
I have to say all in all this weekend belonged to JR's....I'll miss it when I leave for San Fran on Thurs, so maybe it was suppose to be that this weekend was devoted to Jr's and all it's craziness. God bless it...
Friday, saw us start the night at Lauriol Plaza. Now as I have written before, you are always in for a good time when you start you evening there. I met Bernie there for a drink or two, which in turn turned into three pitchers. Luckily, Chuck and Chris showed up. On second thought I don't think it was that lucky, cause we still ended up pretty wasted. After leaving Lauriol, Bernie and myself needed to go home and change for the evening. Of course we could not end the night here like any sane person would have. Since I don't have a car anymore.....that is another story, not really just got rid of the bootlegg...anyway, Bernie thought it would be a good idea to walk home. Now, the problem is not so much the walking, the walk itself is not long at all about 20-25 walk. The problem comes when are intoxicated and unable to walk. So after screaming at Bernie for trying to make me walk, we hoped in a cab and hoped right back in on after changing. We made our way back to Jr's, I can't really tell you much of what happened, cause I don't remember it. I know that Chris couldn't keep his eyes open and instead used a man he didn't know as a pole that he could make out with....that's all I'll say. The night ended, with little fanfare, I honestly don't remember.
Sat, Bernie and I decided that we would make something out of ourselves, since the past couple of days had been spent drinking. We walked from Bernie's to the Zoo, headed out with manurse's that had apples and water. Don't know how long of a walk is, but I know that in all we walked for about four hours when it was said and done. I had never been to the zoo before in DC, so it was a good time. We saw some kind of rodent do a move that many of my friends are familiar with. After much running around and sniffing of her partners butt, she arched her back perfectly in the air and allowed him to do his business (that line is from color purple, if you haven't seen the movie, may God have mercy on your soul.) It was a good way to end our trip to the zoo. After the Zoo, Bernie and I walked to get something to eat, organic Chinese food, it was treat your body right day after all. Then, we walked to the circle and meet up with Chuck and his mom. It's been a while since I've seen a parent with a hangover, I think it was homecoming last year, but needless to say, she and chuck were both fun to talk to. After the circle went to see "Batman Begins"......really good movie, a lot better then I thought it was going to be. I love Christian Bale and now want to have his kids. After the movie, made our way back to Jr's and then went home. All in all a good day, not being drunk and all
Sunday, I decided that I would spend some time with self. Caught up on some reading and watched some good looking men pass by. Meet some friends and ended up but where else, JR's.
I have to say all in all this weekend belonged to JR's....I'll miss it when I leave for San Fran on Thurs, so maybe it was suppose to be that this weekend was devoted to Jr's and all it's craziness. God bless it...
Monday, June 13, 2005
Time to let go...
Have you ever come to a point in your life, when you say to yourself "it's time to let go and move on". I am the type of person who hates to give up on things....be it people, jobs, relationships, and/or life in general. I will hold on to the very last minute. Be the last person standing. And for what reason, so I can say that I tried, that I didn't give up. So I can be right. Too many times, I've been burned, hurt, by holding on...not wanting to let go. But, it's time to now.....it's time for me to stand up and do my best Miss America wave and bow out graciously. I've tried and tried and to no end, nothing. Just me at the end of the day/nite, always alone, always holding on. Not anymore...
Pride and Proud
This past weekend was Capitol Pride. I love Pride week so much, because you get to see so many people that don't usually come out to the bars and/or streets. Me and the girls actually started our Pride week on Tues (see blog) so when friday came around of course we were ready to go. We decided to start at Chucks place with a couple of drinks before we hit the streets. Then it was off to Cobalt. Not going to lie, we gave it to the fans hard and then some. Some had religious experiences, "Get Up", I live for it. Others had some other kinds of experiences, he had a boyfriend and that's all I'll say. So needless to say Friday really kicked things off the right way.
After a slow start on Sat. morning.....some watched porn, while others tried to re-tell stories....we decided to hit the streets and do a little shopping before the parade. Side note....I'm a little disappointed with this summer's fashion assortment for men. Everywhere you go; H&M, Gap, Snatchercrombie, Express, everywhere.....just disappointment all around. Anywho....after the shopping or lack there of, we decided it best to rest up a little and wait for the storm that was about to hit a little place called Velvet Nation, and by rest up I mean drink a lot (don't drink 151 and then go out into the sun, not a good idea). We made our way down to the parade and like last year only saw a tad bit, before deciding to go into JR's and watch or not watch from there. After some drinking, watching naked boys pass by on floats, and some touching of strangers, we went home to regroup for the rest of the nite. Now, for those of you who know me, I love going to Nation when there is a good DJ and of course I always have a good time, "always". But, this time around me and the girls were forced into a situation that is very unfamiliar to us, being "sober" at Velvet. Please, don't think we didn't try, cause some would say that we were on a such a mission that we could've worked for the CIA, but that is neither here nor there. I have to say all in all, it was probably one the best times I have ever had at that place, besides when Tom Stephan was there.....a DJ saved my life that nite. We burned a hole in that damn dance floor and it probably will not be the same for some time. Side note #2.....dear Chris Cox, you are a very good DJ, I like you. But, if you ever try to pull that guitar shit again at a gay establishment, I will not only come on stage and beat you to death with it, I will also ask for my money back. Anywho....the nite ended around 5am and it was time for some rest before our final performance on Sunday.
When I woke up on Sunday my body ached, as though I had just got out of plastic surgery. I thought that Sunday would be a day that would just go by kind of slow, maybe some sitting in the Circle, catching up on last nite and then a little later going down to the festival, and ending it with Jr's.....oh not,not the way it went at all, not with the bitches I know. I got a call from Bernie telling me that we were going to meet some friends at brunch. I don't know if I've ever talked about brunch, but we go to this place called the Beacon. It's amazing, the food, the service, and on top of all that it's all you can eat and DRINK for $17.95. When you start your day with an all you can drink brunch, you are bound to be in for all kinds of SHENANIGANS from; who can give the best head, to talk of eating ass.....it was all there and it was all fabulous and amazing. After brunch we hit up Universal Queer for some eye protection. Afterwards, we hit the Pride Festival just in time to hear our girl Deborah Cox. Girlfriend was looking fierce and her voice was amazing....I live for her and can't wait to see her again in two weeks in San Fran. After staying in the heat for as long as we could, some of us sweat way too much for our own good....damn Thermoboost.....it was time to hit up our usual Sunday nite spot, Jr's. With $2 vodka drinks flowing and good friends all around, I decided to call it a nite around 9pm.
This morning I got to thinking and laughing about this past weekend and all that went on. In the end I realized that Pride is so much more then just some great parties and a parade, it's about friends. Without them, there would be nothing to be Proud of....
After a slow start on Sat. morning.....some watched porn, while others tried to re-tell stories....we decided to hit the streets and do a little shopping before the parade. Side note....I'm a little disappointed with this summer's fashion assortment for men. Everywhere you go; H&M, Gap, Snatchercrombie, Express, everywhere.....just disappointment all around. Anywho....after the shopping or lack there of, we decided it best to rest up a little and wait for the storm that was about to hit a little place called Velvet Nation, and by rest up I mean drink a lot (don't drink 151 and then go out into the sun, not a good idea). We made our way down to the parade and like last year only saw a tad bit, before deciding to go into JR's and watch or not watch from there. After some drinking, watching naked boys pass by on floats, and some touching of strangers, we went home to regroup for the rest of the nite. Now, for those of you who know me, I love going to Nation when there is a good DJ and of course I always have a good time, "always". But, this time around me and the girls were forced into a situation that is very unfamiliar to us, being "sober" at Velvet. Please, don't think we didn't try, cause some would say that we were on a such a mission that we could've worked for the CIA, but that is neither here nor there. I have to say all in all, it was probably one the best times I have ever had at that place, besides when Tom Stephan was there.....a DJ saved my life that nite. We burned a hole in that damn dance floor and it probably will not be the same for some time. Side note #2.....dear Chris Cox, you are a very good DJ, I like you. But, if you ever try to pull that guitar shit again at a gay establishment, I will not only come on stage and beat you to death with it, I will also ask for my money back. Anywho....the nite ended around 5am and it was time for some rest before our final performance on Sunday.
When I woke up on Sunday my body ached, as though I had just got out of plastic surgery. I thought that Sunday would be a day that would just go by kind of slow, maybe some sitting in the Circle, catching up on last nite and then a little later going down to the festival, and ending it with Jr's.....oh not,not the way it went at all, not with the bitches I know. I got a call from Bernie telling me that we were going to meet some friends at brunch. I don't know if I've ever talked about brunch, but we go to this place called the Beacon. It's amazing, the food, the service, and on top of all that it's all you can eat and DRINK for $17.95. When you start your day with an all you can drink brunch, you are bound to be in for all kinds of SHENANIGANS from; who can give the best head, to talk of eating ass.....it was all there and it was all fabulous and amazing. After brunch we hit up Universal Queer for some eye protection. Afterwards, we hit the Pride Festival just in time to hear our girl Deborah Cox. Girlfriend was looking fierce and her voice was amazing....I live for her and can't wait to see her again in two weeks in San Fran. After staying in the heat for as long as we could, some of us sweat way too much for our own good....damn Thermoboost.....it was time to hit up our usual Sunday nite spot, Jr's. With $2 vodka drinks flowing and good friends all around, I decided to call it a nite around 9pm.
This morning I got to thinking and laughing about this past weekend and all that went on. In the end I realized that Pride is so much more then just some great parties and a parade, it's about friends. Without them, there would be nothing to be Proud of....
Thursday, June 09, 2005
A new summer
So yesterday while I was at home I decided to get caught up with my good friend TIVO.....I love him. I started with a show called "Blow Out".....now for those who don't know this show was on about a year ago and then it followed hair stylist Jonathan Antin and the troubles of opening a new salon in Beverley Hills. Fabulous.....it was drama, it was hair, it was fabulous. So this season is about Jonathan designing a new hair care product line. I have to say that I wasn't that happy with the first show. I wanted more. More drama, more hair, but instead I got Jonathan and that was about it. He was so into himself the entire show that I actually got turned off a little bit. Then, he showed up, Alyn. A fellow hair designer that works in Jonathans Beverly Hills salon. He also owns his own salon in Chicago, where supposedly he is big stuff. He is so cute and dreamy that I have found my reason to keeping watching the show.
Next, Queer as Folk. I kind of had a fall out with this show around season 3 and or 4. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped watching it. The characters, the plots, all of it just became too much. But seeing as this is the last season of the show, I figured, I was there in the beginning so I'll be there in the end. I will never forget when the show first aired. I was at home doing a break or something from college and I hadn't come out yet. So I would stay up late to catch the rerun at 12 o'clock and I would turn the volume down really low, as to not wake anyone, all the while praying that my mom didn't walk in on me watching the show. My finger always on the channel button, just in case. To be young again. Anywho....side note. The show is so good this season. I miss all the gay sex, and the drama that comes along with it. The characters seem to have come a long way since the days of not having a comic book and or working at some crazy ad agency. Also, please note Pittsburgh is in no way like that. After living there for almost a year, trust I never saw any of the boys like the ones on the show.
So next, Sports Kids Mom's and Dad's......no in a previous blog I talked about my love for Show Dogs Mom's and Dad's....same concept here, but instead of acting all crazy with animals this time it's kids. The show is so good already. You have a 5 kids that are basically living these crazy lives, all because their parents didn't make their dream of becoming the next big sports thing. My fav so far are the cheerleader’s mom, her daughter is 8 and her mom is crazy. Then there is the figure skater's mom, her son in 16 and she is nuts. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after a great new show, I settled in for Queer Eye. This show is so good, and especially after so many episodes. You would think that after so many make-overs it would all get old. Not so, somehow they figure out a way to bring a tear to my eye and a laugh out of my mouth.
All in all, Bravo deserves a standing O.....thank you for choosing to show new stuff in a summer that is filled with repeats of shows past. I loved the OC the first time around, I'll pass on a second helping.
Next, Queer as Folk. I kind of had a fall out with this show around season 3 and or 4. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped watching it. The characters, the plots, all of it just became too much. But seeing as this is the last season of the show, I figured, I was there in the beginning so I'll be there in the end. I will never forget when the show first aired. I was at home doing a break or something from college and I hadn't come out yet. So I would stay up late to catch the rerun at 12 o'clock and I would turn the volume down really low, as to not wake anyone, all the while praying that my mom didn't walk in on me watching the show. My finger always on the channel button, just in case. To be young again. Anywho....side note. The show is so good this season. I miss all the gay sex, and the drama that comes along with it. The characters seem to have come a long way since the days of not having a comic book and or working at some crazy ad agency. Also, please note Pittsburgh is in no way like that. After living there for almost a year, trust I never saw any of the boys like the ones on the show.
So next, Sports Kids Mom's and Dad's......no in a previous blog I talked about my love for Show Dogs Mom's and Dad's....same concept here, but instead of acting all crazy with animals this time it's kids. The show is so good already. You have a 5 kids that are basically living these crazy lives, all because their parents didn't make their dream of becoming the next big sports thing. My fav so far are the cheerleader’s mom, her daughter is 8 and her mom is crazy. Then there is the figure skater's mom, her son in 16 and she is nuts. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after a great new show, I settled in for Queer Eye. This show is so good, and especially after so many episodes. You would think that after so many make-overs it would all get old. Not so, somehow they figure out a way to bring a tear to my eye and a laugh out of my mouth.
All in all, Bravo deserves a standing O.....thank you for choosing to show new stuff in a summer that is filled with repeats of shows past. I loved the OC the first time around, I'll pass on a second helping.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
