Monday, August 01, 2005

Get out of my head Pt. II

…I have to tell you that I don't think that I've ever torn off my clothes faster then that night. We had amazing sex that night. As I rolled over that morning a sinking feeling was in the pit of my stomach, what had I done last night? I didn't want to open my eyes for the longest time, but I told myself that I had to; I just needed to know if he was still there, or had it all been some crazy ass dream. In the end, I opened my eyes to find him still asleep in my arms, both of us still naked. After we got up, nothing had changed; there were no weird looks, or awkward moments of silence or stares. Instead the day went on very normal. We both ran errands that day, and passed each other going and coming. The whole day I kept telling myself not to think too much about it, just let it happen, don't force anything. But, I broke down and decided to stay up that night to talk to him once he came home. I couldn't act as though nothing had happened; I just had great sex, with a guy who I had a crush on for 4 months now. I had to break the silence that was going on in my head. When he finally got home, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. If you are ever in Budapest, the travel channel turns into porn from 2am-5am, hot. Anyway......I wasn't watching porn when he came on, instead, CNN was on. I acted as though I was very interested in what happened in some obscure place in the world, but really I wanted to tackle him at the door and start asking questions and making out. Instead I waited for him to get settled and eventually he came and joined me on the couch. I told him that I wasn't trying to force anything on him and if that was a one-time deal, I was sure as hell happy I could be there, but I understood if it didn't happen again, after all, he had a girlfriend. I told him about how I had wanted to make out with him the first time I saw him and how I had all these feelings for him. In return he told me that he also felt the same way, but he didn't know how to go about telling me. For a minute we didn't say anything for a while, instead we just looked at other. I didn't know what to do, let alone expect what was going to happen next. But, the next thing I know, we were embraced in a kiss that I probably won't ever forget. We kissed for a while, and we didn't stop there. Instead, we had sex again on the couch. We ended up sleeping in different beds that night, because the roommate was back from his trip and Rick didn't want him to know what was going on. This is how it went for a while, we would wait up for the roommate to go to sleep and then he would sneak into my bed and we would have sex (sometimes stealing condoms from said roommate), sometimes Rick would sleep in my bed, and sometimes he would kiss me goodnight and make his way back to his bed. I know that it sounds stupid that we were sneaking around our own place, but in the moment it was a feeling that I wouldn't take back. I was a kid again, and most of all I was happy, for the first time in a long time. Feelings grew as seasons changed; we spent more and more time together, outside of my bedroom, and in it. Eventually the roommate and everyone else in the program found out about Rick. Mostly because the roommate found out first, then felt like it was a secret that was killing him inside, because everyone was asking him. So Rick told everyone. In the end that was probably the best decision. Everyone knew that I was gay; I had no reason to hide it. And I guess they put two and two together about me and Rick spending so much time together. The program was coming to an end and by this time Rick and I spent almost every hour together. I was in love, and not afraid to tell anyone who would listen. There was something about Rick, we could just sit and talk about everything and nothing. Things between us just seemed so natural. Then came the last day. I was flying to Chicago, he to Minnesota. We decided to spend the entire day together. Even as I write this, I can see the entire day in front of me, as though it is permanently photographed in my mind. The day and the weather seemed to know that it was our last day and they both wanted it to be perfect. The sun was shining, with a nice breeze in front of it. We decided to go to all the places in Budapest that we wouldn't be able to visit once we were at home. We started by going to the mall, and then the bath (no not that kind, Budapest is known for their natural hot springs). At night, we went to our favorite pizza place and I knowing full well that we had to be up at the unGodly hour of 5am, wanted to go out to the place where it all began for us. He wasn’t that excited about going, he still had stuff to pack and he just wanted a quite night at home. But in the end, he gave in and we decided to go out. I brought a pair of leather pants with me to Budapest that I had not worn yet, saving them for a special occasion. I put them on and no sooner then I could say lets go, we started having sex a word...." "(There are no words for how good it was). We made our way to the club, this time not getting lost. We stayed only for an hour, there was no one there, it was a Sunday night after all. Still just to please me, he waited a bit longer while I tried to take in every last moment that made my experience in Budapest on that I will never forget. We finally left and made our way back home. By the time we got home it was around 2am, I decided not to go to sleep, instead I just wanted to stay up and take it all in for one last time. He tried to stay up with me, talking about things, all the while fading in and out of sleep. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder. I in turn, stayed up and stared at him sleeping, crying all the while, wondering what turn mine or our life would take after we departed each other at the airport. At 5am I woke him up so that we could take our stuff downstairs to get onto a van headed for the airport. I thought that we would be able to steal a few last moments together on the van, be able to talk about us. It didn't happen. Instead we boarded an almost completely full van, which luckily had two empty seats next to each other. In those last moments, there was no talking; we just held each other's fingers, hoping that no one would catch us. We made it to the airport, after what seemed like a timeless journey. The entire time I just kept trying to fight back the tears that I knew were inevitable. His flight left an hour before mine and to our dismay we found out that we were at opposite ends of the airport. I waited for him to check his luggage; in return he did the same. But, because I got the dumbest airline worker ever, she took about 20mins to check my bag, by the time I got out of line he had to get going to his gate. They had already called his flight once. There was no long talks, longing glances, or even emotional stares, instead there was just a quick hug goodbye and a promise to call and write as soon as he got home. He turned and quickly took off for his gate. In that moment I didn’t know what to do, I went from being one of the happiest persons in the entire world to being one of the saddest. And like so many scene’s from stupid romance movies, I took off in his direction…. running, trying to catch up to him, just so I could tell him that I loved him. Instead, I only got to see the back of him as he went into his gate. And there I was, left in the airport, alone to wait for a plane. I cried for about an hour after he left, boarded the plane and still cried. I don't think that I stopped crying until I fell asleep..

1 comment:

ken said...

Oh child can I relate. Want a new roommate? Call me soon.

Missing you like candy!
Love always,
Mandy (aka-ken)