Friday, August 12, 2005

Get out of my head Pt. IV........

I don't think that I have ever cried so much in my entire life. After Rick left, I just sat there, on my back patio, crying. Thinking about how every time we are together, time always is against us. I just would like it if once, time wouldn't fight us, but instead make friends with us.
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.

So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.

In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....

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markharolds5314 said...
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