Thursday, August 11, 2005

Get out of my head Pt. III

When I got back to the States, my head and my heart were still in Budapest at the airport waiting for someone to tell me it was all a dream and the me and Rick were still living together in our apartment, living our happy life together. Not the case. I got off the plane to see my mom waiting for me. Thank God for her smiling face, if not for her, I think that I would still been crying. I hugged my mom for a very long time; rather it was because I hadn't seen her in nine months or just the fact that I needed a hug so bad from someone, I don't know. But, I do know that it felt so good to be home.

After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.

Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.

The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).

My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.

The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....


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