I can't even

I can not handle today......
Tomorrow I leave for San Francisco, for Gay Pride and I can not wait. I went last year and had an amazing time. The parties, the boys, the scene, it was all such a great time, especially for a boy from St. Louis.
Growing up I always watched on the news the Gay Pride events that happened across the country; from New York to San Francisco. Of course, my mother would be in the background saying how silly all those people looked with their rainbow flags and or leather chaps. But, something in me always told me that I would be one of those people one day, holding that rainbow flag and a big ole smile on my face.
The first time I went to a gay bar I was living in Budapest, Hungary. I had always heard about them; the bouncing music, the boys with no shirts, and of course the drugs. Somehow I didn't believe any of this. I had pictured in my mind instead that the media had placed all these images in people's minds to get them turned off about gay culture in general. Boy was I wrong. The first club I went to was called Angel. It is one of Budapest oldest gay bars, so old that it's actually under ground. It was built that way, because when Hungary was a communist state, it wasn't really that cool to be gay nor seen in a gay bar. So they built the club with an upstairs part that was just a bar and a showroom for drag show and/or other performances. This way if they ever got busted by the cops, they could just pretend that it was a normal club. The dance floor on the other hand is underground. You actually can see the hole that was dug to build the dance floor. It smells as though you have just dug a million miles below the earth and at the end there is this great dance floor. I walk in there for the first time with a kid that I really didn't know that well from my study abroad program and this other girl. She was such a faghag, but I love her. He on the other hand was a dick....We would later fuck around once and after that I/he lost interest in the whole thing after I got my first "boyfriend". Anywho....side note....
The club smelled of men. It's an odor that can't really be described....kind of a mixture of must, sweat, and a bunch of different colognes. Either way the smell is intoxicating, for me anyway. As I make my way through the club, I notice that people are staring at me a little more then what I'm use to, then I notice that I'm the only black guy in the place. For me this is nothing strange and/or unusual. I don't really ever pay attention to things like this, but this time it was different, it was if I was a lost treasure or maybe an oddity. Either way I decided not to let it bother me and to just enjoy myself, after all it was my first gay bar. The guy I cam in with bought me a drink and we made our way thru the club. I wanted to stop and look/notice every little thing; the people, the drag queens, the music, I wanted to take it all in. After sitting upstairs for a while, we decided to make our way to the dance floor. In order to get there we had to go down what looked like a mine shaft, complete with jagged rocks from the wall while you descended the stairs. We made our way down there and I thought I had found heaven. The music was blasting, everyone had a drink in their hand, and almost every guy down there had their shirt off. It was everything that it was made out to be. I couldn't help myself, I don't know whether it was the alcohol that was running through my system or the fact that my body was experiencing pure joy, but I hit that dance floor so hard that I immediately started to sweat. After dancing for what seemed like hours, I decided to take a break and look for the people that I had come with, they had long left me to enjoy my self, by myself. I found them upstairs sitting down enjoying a drink and talking about all things politics. As soon as I heard President Bush's name I decided that I was not going to let my night end like this. I picked up my drink and marched right back to the dance floor. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I was now dancing with an older gentleman who had his shirt off and nothing but muscles underneath. After persuading me that I had a nice body, I took my shirt off also and felt as though I had just sighed the biggest sigh ever. The next time I looked at my watch it was well after 3am and I thought that I better find my friends. I went back upstairs and frantically searched for them, but to no end they were not to be found. I made my way to the corner of the bar and called the guy who came with me. He informed me that after they saw me sweating with this older guy with no shirt on, they were sure that I didn't need them anymore and it would be best if they left. Needless to say I was pissed and a little scared.
As much as I had enjoyed myself, being there in the moment. I was brought back to reality very quickly...I no longer heard the music or saw the boys, instead now I was thinking about how I was going to get home. I decided to take a seat and figure out a plan. I didn't exactly remember how we got to this club in a dark alley, but I knew that we hadn't spent that much time in the cab from my place. So I knew I was somewhat close enough to walk and or take a cab. As I was formulating a plan, the guy I had been dancing with had joined me at the table. I didn't even notice that he had sat down. When I finally noticed him, he had the biggest smile on his face. Now, I know what your saying..."hello stupid, this man is trying to take you home and get some booty." But somehow I felt different about him. Even though this was my first time in a Gay Bar, it was not my first time with a man. I decided that I had nothing else better to do, so why not talk to him for a minute. After talking for an hour, I found out that he was actually a principal at a local middle school and that he was an olympic bodybuilder. So of course I was intrigued now. We talked a little while longer and I noticed that it was not a quater to five. I knew that it was time for me to go home. As I got ready to tell Stephen ( that would be the name of over half the men in Budapest) I was heading home, he asked if I would like a ride home. Now, again, I know what you are saying...."why are you going to get in this man's car, you don't even know him, and you are not even in America. Who knows where he would take you and leave you." But of course I had watched Oprah a lot before I left for Hungary, and I remembered a show where she talked about being safe when you meet people for the first time. So I text my roommate the name of this guy and his number and also that he was taking me home. Once we made our way to his car, we talked some more and in the end I woke up next to him at his place.
Everything that I had heard about gay clubs, read about them all seemed true when I woke up that morning. Me and Stephen talked some more that morning before he took me home, and in the end we actually dated for four months. So as I get ready to go to Gay clubs and bars again, I will have that feeling; that excitement, wanting to take everything in, notice everything...and who knows, maybe even wakeup next to someone.