Friday, December 23, 2005

What to say

So I came home to St. Louis on Wed. night and I have to say that things have not been so great. Every time I come home, I always seem to get into some kind of funk. It's not that I don't like St. Louis. In fact, I love being from this city. I think that overall I just was a different person when I lived here.

I wasn't out at all when I lived in St. Louis. So I guess in some ways, coming home always reminds me of a lesser "me"....someone who was ashamed of who they were. Not that my childhood was bad in any way. Most of the time I recall home being ok. But, there was always that feeling, that I'm not who I am. And in some ways St. Louis makes me feel like I'm not who I am....

In some ways, I guess it would help if I were to tell my family about me being gay. I mean my mom knows, but my brother and sister or anyone else for that matter, know nothing. I don't know why I haven't told some ways, I guess I'm scared of what there reactions will be. When I told my mom about three or four years ago, her reaction was nothing that I imagined....instead it was one of peace. Did she ever cry?? I don't know, at least not in front of me. But when I did tell her, she did ask that not tell my brother or sister or anyone else.
I can say that in some ways, I understood why she didn't want me to tell others, she was still dealing with it in her own way. But, I know and feel that it's time to tell others. I hate coming home and not talking about the people in my life. Tony, Chris, Chuck, Bernie, or any of the other great people that make me who I am today.

Tomorrow I'm suppose to spend the day with my brother and sister.....I hate planning things like this, but I feel like if I don't say something now, I'll be 40 before I say anything.....and I don't want to be that guy.

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