I know that it was been sometime since I last wrote a blog entry......so the f@#k what!!!!!!!!
I originally started this blog as a way to get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. That's it, nothing else. When I first started blogging, I was going thru a particularly low point in my life; I quit my job, had no money, and basically was in the dark about what to do in general, I was even having some "boy" troubles. So with all of this, came crazy thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes stayed in my mind for several days and sometimes thoughts that wouldn't go away. So I decided that writing about the thoughts would help with getting them out of my head. In the end, that's what happened; the crazy thoughts stop hanging around as often, and I was able to focus on more important things, like finding a job and being happy.
I know that sometimes I write in spurts, it happens, like I said, the thoughts don't stay around as often anymore. I don't feel the need to write about daily things or even update this thing on an hourly basis. It won't happen.
So yes, I will update eventually...when.....who knows. If you are that interested in what's going on in my life, then I guess you will just have to check back in every so often or stop checking out at all.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
LA- Day 3
So...
I can't believe that I've already been in LA for three days. I forgot to mention in the last post that last nite I did meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. We just went out to dinner, but it was great seeing Matt and Jessica. Matt and I met freshman year of college through another great friend of mine. We, Matt and I, would get into the most ridiculous fights......sometimes I would just stop talking to him. It was awesome to talk about those times and just laugh. I'm glad to see that he is doing well. Oh, my friend’s girl also met us out for dinner, which was good; she is friends with Matt and Jessica. Hopefully we, Dawn and I, will get to go out later this week before I leave, she is a lot of fun.
So the day....well, it was mostly uneventful. I did get up this morning and eat breakfast, which by the way is not free. But, I'm not paying, so I don't care. I had this awesome french toast. If you are ever staying at a Holiday-Inn, try the cinnamon roll french toast, to die for.
On my slate for today, I had for schools. Well, when I got ready to go to the first, wouldn't you know it started to rain. Which made me instantly think of that song from Tony, Toni, Tony..."It never rains in Southern California"....love it. So of course traffic was a little crazy. It's like snow in DC, the city doesn't really know what to do with itself. It's almost like brimstone was falling from the sky, oh well.
So I make it to my first school with no problems at all. First up was an all boys school, that looked more like a compound for refugees....oh well. I get to the school a little early, because of the rain, and talk to the college counselor. She was so excited about my University. We talked about people and places that she knew in DC, which was somewhat comforting to hear. After about 45mins, no student showed up. Oh well, I think that I was being punished for seeing so many students the day before. So I left packed up and made my way to the second school.
Got a little lost, had to take the freeway to this school. I eventually found my way to the famous Sunset Blvd, this time an all-girl's school. Again no students. I now knew that I was being punished. Oh well. Because, there were no students to see I got to drive around the area a bit. I eventually found out that I was in the famous Bel-Air neighborhood. So many Benz’s and BMW's....not enough time. Of course I looked hot in my Dodge Strauss.
I then headed off to my third school. Too bad I got extremely lost and I think that I hurricane started, cause it started to rain so hard, traffic was at a stand still. So I eventually called the school and told them that I was not going to be able to make it, because of the weather and traffic. I then turned myself around and headed back to Sunset, where my last school was located.
This time the school was directly across the street from UCLA......which is beautiful. I met with one student and then contemplated going jean shopping. In the end I just came back to the hotel and read a little bit before dozing off. I woke up just in time for the ANTM reunion show....the season premier is tomorrow, so trust there will be a post about it.
So now, it's time for bed. The one thing that I'm finding out that I don't like about being on the road, is that I don't get to see the faces that make me smile all the time....I miss my Mean Girl crew......
I can't believe that I've already been in LA for three days. I forgot to mention in the last post that last nite I did meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. We just went out to dinner, but it was great seeing Matt and Jessica. Matt and I met freshman year of college through another great friend of mine. We, Matt and I, would get into the most ridiculous fights......sometimes I would just stop talking to him. It was awesome to talk about those times and just laugh. I'm glad to see that he is doing well. Oh, my friend’s girl also met us out for dinner, which was good; she is friends with Matt and Jessica. Hopefully we, Dawn and I, will get to go out later this week before I leave, she is a lot of fun.
So the day....well, it was mostly uneventful. I did get up this morning and eat breakfast, which by the way is not free. But, I'm not paying, so I don't care. I had this awesome french toast. If you are ever staying at a Holiday-Inn, try the cinnamon roll french toast, to die for.
On my slate for today, I had for schools. Well, when I got ready to go to the first, wouldn't you know it started to rain. Which made me instantly think of that song from Tony, Toni, Tony..."It never rains in Southern California"....love it. So of course traffic was a little crazy. It's like snow in DC, the city doesn't really know what to do with itself. It's almost like brimstone was falling from the sky, oh well.
So I make it to my first school with no problems at all. First up was an all boys school, that looked more like a compound for refugees....oh well. I get to the school a little early, because of the rain, and talk to the college counselor. She was so excited about my University. We talked about people and places that she knew in DC, which was somewhat comforting to hear. After about 45mins, no student showed up. Oh well, I think that I was being punished for seeing so many students the day before. So I left packed up and made my way to the second school.
Got a little lost, had to take the freeway to this school. I eventually found my way to the famous Sunset Blvd, this time an all-girl's school. Again no students. I now knew that I was being punished. Oh well. Because, there were no students to see I got to drive around the area a bit. I eventually found out that I was in the famous Bel-Air neighborhood. So many Benz’s and BMW's....not enough time. Of course I looked hot in my Dodge Strauss.
I then headed off to my third school. Too bad I got extremely lost and I think that I hurricane started, cause it started to rain so hard, traffic was at a stand still. So I eventually called the school and told them that I was not going to be able to make it, because of the weather and traffic. I then turned myself around and headed back to Sunset, where my last school was located.
This time the school was directly across the street from UCLA......which is beautiful. I met with one student and then contemplated going jean shopping. In the end I just came back to the hotel and read a little bit before dozing off. I woke up just in time for the ANTM reunion show....the season premier is tomorrow, so trust there will be a post about it.
So now, it's time for bed. The one thing that I'm finding out that I don't like about being on the road, is that I don't get to see the faces that make me smile all the time....I miss my Mean Girl crew......
LA- Day2
Sorry for not writing this last nite.....
My Monday started very early. I got up at 5:30 to cut my hair and to make sure that I was up for my 8:30 appointment at an all girl school. For the most part my morning went well. I got to the school with no problems what so ever....even had time to stop at Jack n' the Box.....I love it. Got to my first school and started my career officially as an Admissions Counselor.
My first meeting with a high school guidance counselor was interesting. All I had to do was smile and all the sudden this older women, who had been working in education since 1970, poured her heart out to me about higher education. We talked for some time about the raising cost of education and those that will eventually left out, because of it. This woman displayed a passion that one rarely sees. She was so committed to getting the students in her school, which by the way was mostly Latinos, to a college. She repeatedly told me that everyday she stresses to her students that without an education, nothing will come to you. After we had our wonderful conversation, I finally got to met with my first student on the road. She was a quite girl who had only a few questions about the University. I went through my normal routine and that was it.....no fireworks, no champagne popping in the background, just a whiff of air.
I left the school feeling like a complete failure. I just visited my first school and came out feeling like I did nothing at all. It was horrible. I then had a conversation with myself and tried to figure out why that was so non-climatic. In the end I chalked it up to me not being me. I went in there and talked as though I was some robot, sent on one mission and given specific instructions. That's not me. I love talking about higher ed.....I think that it's an awesome opportunity that we have in this country, an opportunity that too many of us take for granted. As I was driving to my second school, I vowed that I would only continue with this career if I was only going to be myself. That person that loves talking to students, parents, and teachers.
With my renewed energy, I went to my second school, which was an all-boys school. I was again ready to meet with at most one or two students. The thing about coming out to California to recruit is that I don't expect to get a lot, because my school is all the way in DC, not around the corner from LA. But, I walk into this class room and there are about 30 kids, all seniors, all on their lunch break. It was a great feeling. At the end of my presentation the counselor came up to me to thank me for coming and then the last thing she said was, "you really did an amazing job, and I know that a lot of our kids have a strong interest in your University, after your presentation." That right there made it all worth it. That was me. The person that for some reason I couldn't be that first time around.
I left the school, feeling better then I had in a very long time. I even treated myself to a place called "Pink's Hot Dog's"....supposedly a world famous hot dog place in LA. It was good, had the bacon chili cheese dog.....I couldn't help myself.
After lunch, I made my way to my final school for the day; again it was an all-girl’s school. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the counseling department and I was left off the schedule. No worries, I talked with the counselor for a minute or two, and then I was on my way.
Overall, I have to say that I now know that this is what I want to do. This, this job, is me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
My Monday started very early. I got up at 5:30 to cut my hair and to make sure that I was up for my 8:30 appointment at an all girl school. For the most part my morning went well. I got to the school with no problems what so ever....even had time to stop at Jack n' the Box.....I love it. Got to my first school and started my career officially as an Admissions Counselor.
My first meeting with a high school guidance counselor was interesting. All I had to do was smile and all the sudden this older women, who had been working in education since 1970, poured her heart out to me about higher education. We talked for some time about the raising cost of education and those that will eventually left out, because of it. This woman displayed a passion that one rarely sees. She was so committed to getting the students in her school, which by the way was mostly Latinos, to a college. She repeatedly told me that everyday she stresses to her students that without an education, nothing will come to you. After we had our wonderful conversation, I finally got to met with my first student on the road. She was a quite girl who had only a few questions about the University. I went through my normal routine and that was it.....no fireworks, no champagne popping in the background, just a whiff of air.
I left the school feeling like a complete failure. I just visited my first school and came out feeling like I did nothing at all. It was horrible. I then had a conversation with myself and tried to figure out why that was so non-climatic. In the end I chalked it up to me not being me. I went in there and talked as though I was some robot, sent on one mission and given specific instructions. That's not me. I love talking about higher ed.....I think that it's an awesome opportunity that we have in this country, an opportunity that too many of us take for granted. As I was driving to my second school, I vowed that I would only continue with this career if I was only going to be myself. That person that loves talking to students, parents, and teachers.
With my renewed energy, I went to my second school, which was an all-boys school. I was again ready to meet with at most one or two students. The thing about coming out to California to recruit is that I don't expect to get a lot, because my school is all the way in DC, not around the corner from LA. But, I walk into this class room and there are about 30 kids, all seniors, all on their lunch break. It was a great feeling. At the end of my presentation the counselor came up to me to thank me for coming and then the last thing she said was, "you really did an amazing job, and I know that a lot of our kids have a strong interest in your University, after your presentation." That right there made it all worth it. That was me. The person that for some reason I couldn't be that first time around.
I left the school, feeling better then I had in a very long time. I even treated myself to a place called "Pink's Hot Dog's"....supposedly a world famous hot dog place in LA. It was good, had the bacon chili cheese dog.....I couldn't help myself.
After lunch, I made my way to my final school for the day; again it was an all-girl’s school. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the counseling department and I was left off the schedule. No worries, I talked with the counselor for a minute or two, and then I was on my way.
Overall, I have to say that I now know that this is what I want to do. This, this job, is me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
LA- day 1
The next two weeks, I'm going to try to write about what one does on the road as a college admissions counsler. Because this is really my first "real" go at it, I think it will help me and maybe others to view my thoughts and preception of this life that I so want. Let's get started.
I got to LA, after what was a bit of a long weekend. The "new guy" came into town and I did not want to live DC nor did I want him to go back to NYC, oh well. Life must go on. So, after getting home at 4am and still needing to pack, me and the "new guy" took a nap...if you can call closing your eyes for 30mins a nap..........and I got up at 6:15am to catch a 8:40 flight out of Dulles. After getting a little lost to the airport out in the cut, I got on the plane and waited for my 5hr. flight to start. I slept, as you can imagine, most of the way out here. I was so tired, I think I saw the guy next to me twice; once when I got on the plane and the other time was when I got off of it. Oh well.
So, I've only been to LA once and that was when I came out here for the Rose Bowl, my sphomore year in college....so it's been a while. I gather my luggage from baggage claim and look for the rent-a-car place. Now you have to understand that any time I travel, I never drive, there are always people who wish to do that, but not this time. So, I found out, that I had to wait for a shuttle to take me the place for a car. Now, because I rented a car, or someone else rented a car for me, from a place called Advantage, I had to wait for sometime before the shuttle came. Which was ok, I had nothing else to do. I decided to come to LA a day early just for reasons like this.
Finally after reaching the car place, it took a bit, note to self (rent from national companies only).....I finally got the car and made my way for the "dangerous" LA freeways. Not so dangerous. I got a little lost trying to find my hotel, which is across the street from the Staples Center. I then decided that I would find out where some of the high schools were that I have to visit tomorrow. For the most part, I think that I will be the only person of color for some miles. A lot of the schools that I visit tomorrow are in very deep hispianc communities. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just think that things will get interesting. We'll have to wait and see I guess. Other then that I stopped and got Jack n the Box, which we have in St. Louis, but I've not found anywhere else.....do not knock the tacos, spicy chicken sandwich, and the potatoe wedges.....they are the stuff to die for.
That's about it.....found my way back to the hotel and I decided that I would just stick around the hotel and order room service and read and watch the emmy's......I know totally lame, but I'm really tired after last night and I think a little jet lagged.......until tomorrow.
I got to LA, after what was a bit of a long weekend. The "new guy" came into town and I did not want to live DC nor did I want him to go back to NYC, oh well. Life must go on. So, after getting home at 4am and still needing to pack, me and the "new guy" took a nap...if you can call closing your eyes for 30mins a nap..........and I got up at 6:15am to catch a 8:40 flight out of Dulles. After getting a little lost to the airport out in the cut, I got on the plane and waited for my 5hr. flight to start. I slept, as you can imagine, most of the way out here. I was so tired, I think I saw the guy next to me twice; once when I got on the plane and the other time was when I got off of it. Oh well.
So, I've only been to LA once and that was when I came out here for the Rose Bowl, my sphomore year in college....so it's been a while. I gather my luggage from baggage claim and look for the rent-a-car place. Now you have to understand that any time I travel, I never drive, there are always people who wish to do that, but not this time. So, I found out, that I had to wait for a shuttle to take me the place for a car. Now, because I rented a car, or someone else rented a car for me, from a place called Advantage, I had to wait for sometime before the shuttle came. Which was ok, I had nothing else to do. I decided to come to LA a day early just for reasons like this.
Finally after reaching the car place, it took a bit, note to self (rent from national companies only).....I finally got the car and made my way for the "dangerous" LA freeways. Not so dangerous. I got a little lost trying to find my hotel, which is across the street from the Staples Center. I then decided that I would find out where some of the high schools were that I have to visit tomorrow. For the most part, I think that I will be the only person of color for some miles. A lot of the schools that I visit tomorrow are in very deep hispianc communities. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just think that things will get interesting. We'll have to wait and see I guess. Other then that I stopped and got Jack n the Box, which we have in St. Louis, but I've not found anywhere else.....do not knock the tacos, spicy chicken sandwich, and the potatoe wedges.....they are the stuff to die for.
That's about it.....found my way back to the hotel and I decided that I would just stick around the hotel and order room service and read and watch the emmy's......I know totally lame, but I'm really tired after last night and I think a little jet lagged.......until tomorrow.
Here We go
For the next two weeks I'm on a trip for work....that in the end, will take me all over the place; Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Chicago. Sitting here in my hotel room, I can hardly believe just three weeks ago I was still temping and wondering what my next move was going to be. I had thought that I really had come to the end of my rope. I had been unemployed for five months and nothing. No job, no one calling for a job, nothing.
The whole time that I was not "working", I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seemed that I just up and quit my job on the whim of a breath......that may or may not be true.....I did it. And, I knew that the outcome may not be pretty. But, the more that I work at my new job; I have realized that "that", me quitting my job, was one of my defining moments in life.
We all have them, defining moments. The moment in time when we stand up to what ever it is that gives us a headache every night, when we tell ourselves "no more". That moment in life where we refuse to live, the way we did the day before. Everything changes from here on out........ Of course we, you, I, can have a million defining moments. In the end I just think that it's about recognizing those moments as such and not just a casual moment that just happens.
I'm glad that I've had another defining moment in my life. My first, I would have to say, came when I decided I would go to Purdue. I was the first person in my family to go to college, and I knew that in order to do "something" in life, I would have to go to college......my defining moment. The next came when I "came out" and started to tell those close to me that I was gay. I no longer wanted to keep my life a secret, I had another defining moment. The last one has been chronicled just a bit on this blog, so no need to go into detail about that.
So what's my latest defining moment?? I'm ready to be in a relationship......I know that I have written about my relationships....past and present. But, the truth is that every since I met this "new guy", I have realized that I'm ready to stand up once again and live the next day a little different then the previous one. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
The whole time that I was not "working", I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seemed that I just up and quit my job on the whim of a breath......that may or may not be true.....I did it. And, I knew that the outcome may not be pretty. But, the more that I work at my new job; I have realized that "that", me quitting my job, was one of my defining moments in life.
We all have them, defining moments. The moment in time when we stand up to what ever it is that gives us a headache every night, when we tell ourselves "no more". That moment in life where we refuse to live, the way we did the day before. Everything changes from here on out........ Of course we, you, I, can have a million defining moments. In the end I just think that it's about recognizing those moments as such and not just a casual moment that just happens.
I'm glad that I've had another defining moment in my life. My first, I would have to say, came when I decided I would go to Purdue. I was the first person in my family to go to college, and I knew that in order to do "something" in life, I would have to go to college......my defining moment. The next came when I "came out" and started to tell those close to me that I was gay. I no longer wanted to keep my life a secret, I had another defining moment. The last one has been chronicled just a bit on this blog, so no need to go into detail about that.
So what's my latest defining moment?? I'm ready to be in a relationship......I know that I have written about my relationships....past and present. But, the truth is that every since I met this "new guy", I have realized that I'm ready to stand up once again and live the next day a little different then the previous one. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Last night.....
So this is an e-mail that I sent to my friend this morning when I got to work; mind you that I'm suppose to be at work at 9am and I got here at 10am....oh well, I live for another day.... the one thing you need to know is that I had about 5 or 6 Jack and Coke's......what a way to start a night...
"So......after you left my drunk ass me and Tony went to Cobalt...where I had maybe half a drink. Then I was like...." I have to go". Nard, I could barely stand.....I was such a mess. So I left there and put myself in a cab.....I get in the cab and I'm like, " thank god I got out of there" so then I'm like I'll take a little nap........nope.....I go to put my head down in the cab and everything I drank came up in my mouth....so I open the door to the cab while it is still moving and puke......then I'm like...ok glad that's over....nope.....as soon as I close the door...I puke again....this time in the cab.....all over the door.....so the cab pulls over and I'm trying to wipe it off the handle so i can get out......before the cab driver could say anything to me...I throw $20 in the cab and run down Ust.........that's when I called Jeff and was like...I have to come over now..so I get over there and pass the fuck out.....wake up this morning and had no idea where I was.......I'm a mess"
So funny
"So......after you left my drunk ass me and Tony went to Cobalt...where I had maybe half a drink. Then I was like...." I have to go". Nard, I could barely stand.....I was such a mess. So I left there and put myself in a cab.....I get in the cab and I'm like, " thank god I got out of there" so then I'm like I'll take a little nap........nope.....I go to put my head down in the cab and everything I drank came up in my mouth....so I open the door to the cab while it is still moving and puke......then I'm like...ok glad that's over....nope.....as soon as I close the door...I puke again....this time in the cab.....all over the door.....so the cab pulls over and I'm trying to wipe it off the handle so i can get out......before the cab driver could say anything to me...I throw $20 in the cab and run down Ust.........that's when I called Jeff and was like...I have to come over now..so I get over there and pass the fuck out.....wake up this morning and had no idea where I was.......I'm a mess"
So funny
been gone for a min.
So upon the request or demands of some......bitches.........I'm going to post a new update.
Things have been going good with me. Met the really awesome guy, had three amazing days with him and then he moved to NYC. The crazy thing is, I can't stop thinking about him. Don't know if that is a good thing or not. We'll have to see how this pans out. I would love to see him again, but who knows.
Work is amazing. Having a really good time. Plus, it's always a good feeling, when you want to come to work, instead of dreading waking up in the morning. I don't know what is; maybe it's that I'm doing something that I want or that I actually have responsbilities here. Whatever it is, I hope it doesnt' stop.
Sorry about not updating in a while.....I promise I'll be better about it.
Things have been going good with me. Met the really awesome guy, had three amazing days with him and then he moved to NYC. The crazy thing is, I can't stop thinking about him. Don't know if that is a good thing or not. We'll have to see how this pans out. I would love to see him again, but who knows.
Work is amazing. Having a really good time. Plus, it's always a good feeling, when you want to come to work, instead of dreading waking up in the morning. I don't know what is; maybe it's that I'm doing something that I want or that I actually have responsbilities here. Whatever it is, I hope it doesnt' stop.
Sorry about not updating in a while.....I promise I'll be better about it.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
A sad day
I know that I haven't posted in a long time, I promise I will. So much to talk about.......new job, travel plans, a boy that I'm uber crazy about..........but I did want to say, please pray for all the victims and survivors of Hurricane Katrina. What is happening in the Gulf Coast is horrible and makes me extremely sad. If you can, give what you can. Every little bit will help. The New York Times offers a great link to a lot of different charities. Please get involved.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Get out of my head Pt. IV........
I don't think that I have ever cried so much in my entire life. After Rick left, I just sat there, on my back patio, crying. Thinking about how every time we are together, time always is against us. I just would like it if once, time wouldn't fight us, but instead make friends with us.
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.
So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.
In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.
So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.
In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A BITCH GOTTA A JOB
I HAVE A JOB, I HAVE A JOB....I'M SO EXCITED, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT TYPE IN UPPERCASE...........I WILL BE WORKING AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS COUNSELOR.......I WANTED THIS JOB SO BAD, AND THOUGHT THAT I WOULDN'T GET IT, BECAUSE I HAD INTERVIEWED FOR IT A MONTH AGO....BUT I DID....AND I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.....FIVE LONG MONTHS AND IT'S FINALLY OVER......THANKS TO ALL MY PEEPS THAT STUCK BY ME.......MEAN GIRLS, I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU......RUSSELL, THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE, AND OF COURSE LIKE ALL AWARD WINNERS (I FEEL LIKE I JUST WON AND ACADEMY AWARD) THANK YOU GOD.........
Get out of my head Pt. III
When I got back to the States, my head and my heart were still in Budapest at the airport waiting for someone to tell me it was all a dream and the me and Rick were still living together in our apartment, living our happy life together. Not the case. I got off the plane to see my mom waiting for me. Thank God for her smiling face, if not for her, I think that I would still been crying. I hugged my mom for a very long time; rather it was because I hadn't seen her in nine months or just the fact that I needed a hug so bad from someone, I don't know. But, I do know that it felt so good to be home.
After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.
Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.
The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).
My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.
The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....
After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.
Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.
The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).
My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.
The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....
Friday, August 05, 2005
Glory "days"
So I have to write about this, because I feel like it's too funny not to.
In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.
In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
It's Time
So I thought I would take a break from gay romance story...and talk about some other things going on in my life.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Get out of my head Pt. II
…I have to tell you that I don't think that I've ever torn off my clothes faster then that night. We had amazing sex that night. As I rolled over that morning a sinking feeling was in the pit of my stomach, what had I done last night? I didn't want to open my eyes for the longest time, but I told myself that I had to; I just needed to know if he was still there, or had it all been some crazy ass dream. In the end, I opened my eyes to find him still asleep in my arms, both of us still naked. After we got up, nothing had changed; there were no weird looks, or awkward moments of silence or stares. Instead the day went on very normal. We both ran errands that day, and passed each other going and coming. The whole day I kept telling myself not to think too much about it, just let it happen, don't force anything. But, I broke down and decided to stay up that night to talk to him once he came home. I couldn't act as though nothing had happened; I just had great sex, with a guy who I had a crush on for 4 months now. I had to break the silence that was going on in my head. When he finally got home, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. If you are ever in Budapest, the travel channel turns into porn from 2am-5am, hot. Anyway......I wasn't watching porn when he came on, instead, CNN was on. I acted as though I was very interested in what happened in some obscure place in the world, but really I wanted to tackle him at the door and start asking questions and making out. Instead I waited for him to get settled and eventually he came and joined me on the couch. I told him that I wasn't trying to force anything on him and if that was a one-time deal, I was sure as hell happy I could be there, but I understood if it didn't happen again, after all, he had a girlfriend. I told him about how I had wanted to make out with him the first time I saw him and how I had all these feelings for him. In return he told me that he also felt the same way, but he didn't know how to go about telling me. For a minute we didn't say anything for a while, instead we just looked at other. I didn't know what to do, let alone expect what was going to happen next. But, the next thing I know, we were embraced in a kiss that I probably won't ever forget. We kissed for a while, and we didn't stop there. Instead, we had sex again on the couch. We ended up sleeping in different beds that night, because the roommate was back from his trip and Rick didn't want him to know what was going on. This is how it went for a while, we would wait up for the roommate to go to sleep and then he would sneak into my bed and we would have sex (sometimes stealing condoms from said roommate), sometimes Rick would sleep in my bed, and sometimes he would kiss me goodnight and make his way back to his bed. I know that it sounds stupid that we were sneaking around our own place, but in the moment it was a feeling that I wouldn't take back. I was a kid again, and most of all I was happy, for the first time in a long time. Feelings grew as seasons changed; we spent more and more time together, outside of my bedroom, and in it. Eventually the roommate and everyone else in the program found out about Rick. Mostly because the roommate found out first, then felt like it was a secret that was killing him inside, because everyone was asking him. So Rick told everyone. In the end that was probably the best decision. Everyone knew that I was gay; I had no reason to hide it. And I guess they put two and two together about me and Rick spending so much time together. The program was coming to an end and by this time Rick and I spent almost every hour together. I was in love, and not afraid to tell anyone who would listen. There was something about Rick, we could just sit and talk about everything and nothing. Things between us just seemed so natural. Then came the last day. I was flying to Chicago, he to Minnesota. We decided to spend the entire day together. Even as I write this, I can see the entire day in front of me, as though it is permanently photographed in my mind. The day and the weather seemed to know that it was our last day and they both wanted it to be perfect. The sun was shining, with a nice breeze in front of it. We decided to go to all the places in Budapest that we wouldn't be able to visit once we were at home. We started by going to the mall, and then the bath (no not that kind, Budapest is known for their natural hot springs). At night, we went to our favorite pizza place and I knowing full well that we had to be up at the unGodly hour of 5am, wanted to go out to the place where it all began for us. He wasn’t that excited about going, he still had stuff to pack and he just wanted a quite night at home. But in the end, he gave in and we decided to go out. I brought a pair of leather pants with me to Budapest that I had not worn yet, saving them for a special occasion. I put them on and no sooner then I could say lets go, we started having sex again......in a word...." "(There are no words for how good it was). We made our way to the club, this time not getting lost. We stayed only for an hour, there was no one there, it was a Sunday night after all. Still just to please me, he waited a bit longer while I tried to take in every last moment that made my experience in Budapest on that I will never forget. We finally left and made our way back home. By the time we got home it was around 2am, I decided not to go to sleep, instead I just wanted to stay up and take it all in for one last time. He tried to stay up with me, talking about things, all the while fading in and out of sleep. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder. I in turn, stayed up and stared at him sleeping, crying all the while, wondering what turn mine or our life would take after we departed each other at the airport. At 5am I woke him up so that we could take our stuff downstairs to get onto a van headed for the airport. I thought that we would be able to steal a few last moments together on the van, be able to talk about us. It didn't happen. Instead we boarded an almost completely full van, which luckily had two empty seats next to each other. In those last moments, there was no talking; we just held each other's fingers, hoping that no one would catch us. We made it to the airport, after what seemed like a timeless journey. The entire time I just kept trying to fight back the tears that I knew were inevitable. His flight left an hour before mine and to our dismay we found out that we were at opposite ends of the airport. I waited for him to check his luggage; in return he did the same. But, because I got the dumbest airline worker ever, she took about 20mins to check my bag, by the time I got out of line he had to get going to his gate. They had already called his flight once. There was no long talks, longing glances, or even emotional stares, instead there was just a quick hug goodbye and a promise to call and write as soon as he got home. He turned and quickly took off for his gate. In that moment I didn’t know what to do, I went from being one of the happiest persons in the entire world to being one of the saddest. And like so many scene’s from stupid romance movies, I took off in his direction…. running, trying to catch up to him, just so I could tell him that I loved him. Instead, I only got to see the back of him as he went into his gate. And there I was, left in the airport, alone to wait for a plane. I cried for about an hour after he left, boarded the plane and still cried. I don't think that I stopped crying until I fell asleep..
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Get out of my head
I have to get this out of my head cause it is driving me crazy....It's about to be a bit lengthy...so settle in and just read it.
My Jr. year of college I decided to study abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Why did I go there, who knows, a lot of reasons,but....some things just were meant to happen. Anywho....I knew that studying abroad was going to be a time in my life when I would finally confront a lot of my own personal fears about where my life was going. Most importantly, I knew that I was going to confront the issue of being gay. I went over there with an open mind, knowing that for sometime I had these thoughts about being gay, but never really confronting them. I told myself, that this was going to be the chance to live the life that I thought I should have led a while ago.....
Once I arrived in Budapest a group of us made it to our dorm, where we would stay for the next couple of weeks while we were taking language classes. I happen to be on the same flight as one of the other guys that I was staying in a room with. Once we got into the room, we noticed a third bed was set-up and stuff was all around it, but no roommate. I then set-off by myself to see what was around the dorm and to make a couple of phone calls. I unknowingly took the only key to the room with me. When I returned to the room, there on the steps outside of the doorway was the best looking guy that I had ever seen. I stared for what seemed like hours into his eyes, not saying a word, just looking. Finally after snapping out of what felt like coma, I introduced myself and apologized for taking the key. He in return introduced himself, and we both made our way into our room. Over the next couple of days and weeks, I got to know him pretty well. We would talk about all kinds of things; why we were here, where we came from. Then one day, he told me about his girlfriend. At first I didn't know what to do, I just sat there with what I'm sure was the dumbest look on my face. In the same token, I never told him that I was gay, or what at the time was just an attraction towards guys, so why did I expect him to return the favor. From that moment on I told myself, that I would have to respect his boundaries and if he said he had a girlfriend, then he did not find guys attractive as I did. Fine, for the first day or two. But the more we hung out, the more I found myself always waiting to be around him; looking into his eyes, touch him (not even in a sexual manner), but I never did. Instead I found ways to keep myself busy, basically not hanging around him. Eventually I moved out of the dorm and into an amazing apartment with the other two guys that I stayed in the dorm with, him included. I told myself that as long as I stayed away from the apartment when he was there, I would be ok. I did just that by going out every nite. I eventually met someone at a bar and we began seeing each other. I was in the clear as far as my feelings for this guy, who I've decided I will call Rick, cause referring to him by "him" is not working. So I started dating this guy that lived in Budapest and therefore I spent less time around Rick. It was all working out, or so I thought.
Because, Rick and I were in the same study abroad program, we always saw each other in class and on trips. I couldn't get away and neither could my feelings for him. It had been three months since I met him on those steps, unable to speak, only stare. I still liked this guy, why?? I had never tried to make a move on him or anything. If anything we jokingly played around...pushing each other or saying stupid shit to one another, but never once did I try to kiss him or hold his hand. Finally, spring break came, and I decided that I needed time away from all of my feelings, Rick, and the boy I had just broken up with. I decided that I would take a week long trip by myself across nothern Italy and end in the southern coast of France. All in all it was good. Met some really amazing people, saw some great things, and best of all I got all of those feeling out of my head and dealt with, so I thought.
When I arrived back in Budapest, I came home to find Rick there with friends that were preparing to leave. I unpacked my bags and Rick took his friends to the train station. Our other roommate decided to leave the city for spring break, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the following week, therefore it was only Rick and I in the apartment. We decided to get something to eat...which in Budapest means that you decided to get appetizers and drink the rest of your dinner. After what seemed like hours of beers and conversation we made our way back to our apartment, I then started to talk about how I really wanted to go out seeing as though there were no classes the next day. To my surprise he said that he would like to come along if it was ok with me. Here it was, the moment I was waiting for, a chance to be with him and in of all places a gay bar. I told myself, that I wouldn't try anything, not unless he initiated it. We continued to drink until we got ready to go out, which in retrospect, was probably not the best idea. We eventually made our way to the club and started drinking. At first I felt very uncomfortable with him in this bar. I had been there many of times, but never with him. I was worried that he was going to get hit on, and then would want to leave, after all he had a girlfriend. But, by the end of the night, we were having a great time, talking and drinking. I finally summoned up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go dance....he said yes, with little hesitation. As soon as we get to the dance floor everything disappears; no music, no other people, just us. After dancing for what seemed like some time, something happened, we looked at each other as though we just realized that we were both there and we kissed. I don't remember who kissed who, I just know that we kissed and I remember it lasting for sometime. Neither one of us backed down or pulled away....it was as though it was meant to be. After kissing for a while, we decided to leave the club........I'll write this story in parts.......you'll just have to wait.
My Jr. year of college I decided to study abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Why did I go there, who knows, a lot of reasons,but....some things just were meant to happen. Anywho....I knew that studying abroad was going to be a time in my life when I would finally confront a lot of my own personal fears about where my life was going. Most importantly, I knew that I was going to confront the issue of being gay. I went over there with an open mind, knowing that for sometime I had these thoughts about being gay, but never really confronting them. I told myself, that this was going to be the chance to live the life that I thought I should have led a while ago.....
Once I arrived in Budapest a group of us made it to our dorm, where we would stay for the next couple of weeks while we were taking language classes. I happen to be on the same flight as one of the other guys that I was staying in a room with. Once we got into the room, we noticed a third bed was set-up and stuff was all around it, but no roommate. I then set-off by myself to see what was around the dorm and to make a couple of phone calls. I unknowingly took the only key to the room with me. When I returned to the room, there on the steps outside of the doorway was the best looking guy that I had ever seen. I stared for what seemed like hours into his eyes, not saying a word, just looking. Finally after snapping out of what felt like coma, I introduced myself and apologized for taking the key. He in return introduced himself, and we both made our way into our room. Over the next couple of days and weeks, I got to know him pretty well. We would talk about all kinds of things; why we were here, where we came from. Then one day, he told me about his girlfriend. At first I didn't know what to do, I just sat there with what I'm sure was the dumbest look on my face. In the same token, I never told him that I was gay, or what at the time was just an attraction towards guys, so why did I expect him to return the favor. From that moment on I told myself, that I would have to respect his boundaries and if he said he had a girlfriend, then he did not find guys attractive as I did. Fine, for the first day or two. But the more we hung out, the more I found myself always waiting to be around him; looking into his eyes, touch him (not even in a sexual manner), but I never did. Instead I found ways to keep myself busy, basically not hanging around him. Eventually I moved out of the dorm and into an amazing apartment with the other two guys that I stayed in the dorm with, him included. I told myself that as long as I stayed away from the apartment when he was there, I would be ok. I did just that by going out every nite. I eventually met someone at a bar and we began seeing each other. I was in the clear as far as my feelings for this guy, who I've decided I will call Rick, cause referring to him by "him" is not working. So I started dating this guy that lived in Budapest and therefore I spent less time around Rick. It was all working out, or so I thought.
Because, Rick and I were in the same study abroad program, we always saw each other in class and on trips. I couldn't get away and neither could my feelings for him. It had been three months since I met him on those steps, unable to speak, only stare. I still liked this guy, why?? I had never tried to make a move on him or anything. If anything we jokingly played around...pushing each other or saying stupid shit to one another, but never once did I try to kiss him or hold his hand. Finally, spring break came, and I decided that I needed time away from all of my feelings, Rick, and the boy I had just broken up with. I decided that I would take a week long trip by myself across nothern Italy and end in the southern coast of France. All in all it was good. Met some really amazing people, saw some great things, and best of all I got all of those feeling out of my head and dealt with, so I thought.
When I arrived back in Budapest, I came home to find Rick there with friends that were preparing to leave. I unpacked my bags and Rick took his friends to the train station. Our other roommate decided to leave the city for spring break, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the following week, therefore it was only Rick and I in the apartment. We decided to get something to eat...which in Budapest means that you decided to get appetizers and drink the rest of your dinner. After what seemed like hours of beers and conversation we made our way back to our apartment, I then started to talk about how I really wanted to go out seeing as though there were no classes the next day. To my surprise he said that he would like to come along if it was ok with me. Here it was, the moment I was waiting for, a chance to be with him and in of all places a gay bar. I told myself, that I wouldn't try anything, not unless he initiated it. We continued to drink until we got ready to go out, which in retrospect, was probably not the best idea. We eventually made our way to the club and started drinking. At first I felt very uncomfortable with him in this bar. I had been there many of times, but never with him. I was worried that he was going to get hit on, and then would want to leave, after all he had a girlfriend. But, by the end of the night, we were having a great time, talking and drinking. I finally summoned up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go dance....he said yes, with little hesitation. As soon as we get to the dance floor everything disappears; no music, no other people, just us. After dancing for what seemed like some time, something happened, we looked at each other as though we just realized that we were both there and we kissed. I don't remember who kissed who, I just know that we kissed and I remember it lasting for sometime. Neither one of us backed down or pulled away....it was as though it was meant to be. After kissing for a while, we decided to leave the club........I'll write this story in parts.......you'll just have to wait.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Riding a bike
So at first I didn't think that I was going to write about this...but then I figured why not, it might help someone...
So last week I was really upset with one of my friends for doing something that I felt was one of the lowest things one person can do to another that they call "friend". To make a long story short, he basically slept with someone that I've had a crush on, a known crush at that, for a while. At first I didn't know what to do or say. I almost felt like that Dave Chappelle skit...."when keeping it real goes wrong", I kept telling myself, to just calm down and don't over-react, but keep it real. I knew the best thing to do was to let everything settle down for a second and to think about what I really wanted to say and do. After talking it over with a couple of friends, it was decided that the best thing to do was to e-mail him all of my thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Which I felt was good, because I had already decided that I couldn't talk to him face to face, cause I was really upset at the time. In the end I wrote him an e-mail and told him how I felt about the situation and that I thought it best if we didn't talk for a few days. He replied to my e-mail, an apology for hurting me, and we didn't talk for a couple of days. While not talking to him, I thought about how much I missed our conversations....and what our friendship really meant to me. Without him, I probably would be a totally different person, not living where I currently do, and not enjoying life as much. I know, a lot for one friendship. But, I met him at a point in my life were I didn't have any clue on what or where to go or do. It was through our friendship that I answered a lot of those questions. Last Thursday came around and we finally met for drinks and some conversations, and the first thing we did was hug.....it felt good, like riding a bike.....you never forget. In the end I decided that some boy was not worth a friendship that changed my life. Instead, I decided to pick myself up, dust off my feelings and get on that bike again. THANKS...
So last week I was really upset with one of my friends for doing something that I felt was one of the lowest things one person can do to another that they call "friend". To make a long story short, he basically slept with someone that I've had a crush on, a known crush at that, for a while. At first I didn't know what to do or say. I almost felt like that Dave Chappelle skit...."when keeping it real goes wrong", I kept telling myself, to just calm down and don't over-react, but keep it real. I knew the best thing to do was to let everything settle down for a second and to think about what I really wanted to say and do. After talking it over with a couple of friends, it was decided that the best thing to do was to e-mail him all of my thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Which I felt was good, because I had already decided that I couldn't talk to him face to face, cause I was really upset at the time. In the end I wrote him an e-mail and told him how I felt about the situation and that I thought it best if we didn't talk for a few days. He replied to my e-mail, an apology for hurting me, and we didn't talk for a couple of days. While not talking to him, I thought about how much I missed our conversations....and what our friendship really meant to me. Without him, I probably would be a totally different person, not living where I currently do, and not enjoying life as much. I know, a lot for one friendship. But, I met him at a point in my life were I didn't have any clue on what or where to go or do. It was through our friendship that I answered a lot of those questions. Last Thursday came around and we finally met for drinks and some conversations, and the first thing we did was hug.....it felt good, like riding a bike.....you never forget. In the end I decided that some boy was not worth a friendship that changed my life. Instead, I decided to pick myself up, dust off my feelings and get on that bike again. THANKS...
the newest thing
I recently, thanks to the tempjob that I have, found Yahoo, IM......it is by far one of the most time comsuming, fun times that I've ever had while doing nothing. You can play games with people, create a person that looks like you that others can see when talking, and a host of other things. It is amazing....you should check it out......I think you can just go to their site and download it...
The goings On
So I know that I haven't posted in a while, things have been a little crazy this past week so I had to take a break from something. This way all the crazy thoughts just got stored and now they are ready to come out.
I have somewhat moved from my former address....which in retrospect I'm really going to miss. It was a bit out of the way from the things that I normally do in my life, but I loved it cause it was a house. I have so many friends here and in other cities that live in apartments the size of what use to be my bathroom. It was nice, two bedroom, two bath, two levels......a lot of two's. But it had so much space. I really liked it. But trying to bring tricks and or anyone else back was a bit of a challenge. So I decided to let the lease end without renewing it, in hopes of finding a place closer and more convenient to the things that I do. So we'll see, no luck as of yet, but moving and trying to find a job, has proved to be a bit of a larger task then I first thought.
Speaking of a job, I'm still in the same position as last time I wrote. I still temp at this one place, for whatever reason. I guess cause it's easy money. I really don't do much. When I am given a task to do, I do it a lot faster then most people who have probably had this job, so my boss' look at me like I'm crazy when they pass by....oh well. I have finally gotten another job, which I don't know if I'm going to write about. I might.....that will take some thought on my part. I'm sure that I will have no choice but to write about it. We'll see...if anything it should be good, cause I will have the chance to make some extra money. So.....
Other then that, not much else is going on, I have this new plan in my head to start taking better care of myself. We'll see how that goes. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better, working out, and not drink as much, then something crazy happens ......i.e., quit my job or some stupid boy, then I say "fuck it" and forget about taking care of myself. Just lately I've been really unhappy with my body. It's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything, but after I graduated from high school my body was so much better....I hate getting older. So I've decided that I'm going to join a gym next week....would this week, but I'm still in the process of moving and I really don't have time. Next week should be a lot more calmer...we'll see
I have somewhat moved from my former address....which in retrospect I'm really going to miss. It was a bit out of the way from the things that I normally do in my life, but I loved it cause it was a house. I have so many friends here and in other cities that live in apartments the size of what use to be my bathroom. It was nice, two bedroom, two bath, two levels......a lot of two's. But it had so much space. I really liked it. But trying to bring tricks and or anyone else back was a bit of a challenge. So I decided to let the lease end without renewing it, in hopes of finding a place closer and more convenient to the things that I do. So we'll see, no luck as of yet, but moving and trying to find a job, has proved to be a bit of a larger task then I first thought.
Speaking of a job, I'm still in the same position as last time I wrote. I still temp at this one place, for whatever reason. I guess cause it's easy money. I really don't do much. When I am given a task to do, I do it a lot faster then most people who have probably had this job, so my boss' look at me like I'm crazy when they pass by....oh well. I have finally gotten another job, which I don't know if I'm going to write about. I might.....that will take some thought on my part. I'm sure that I will have no choice but to write about it. We'll see...if anything it should be good, cause I will have the chance to make some extra money. So.....
Other then that, not much else is going on, I have this new plan in my head to start taking better care of myself. We'll see how that goes. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better, working out, and not drink as much, then something crazy happens ......i.e., quit my job or some stupid boy, then I say "fuck it" and forget about taking care of myself. Just lately I've been really unhappy with my body. It's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything, but after I graduated from high school my body was so much better....I hate getting older. So I've decided that I'm going to join a gym next week....would this week, but I'm still in the process of moving and I really don't have time. Next week should be a lot more calmer...we'll see
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Anew
So,
Yesterday I have to say was one of the worst days in my life in the past 5months. With the whole job thing kind of falling through, I just got to thinking that maybe I made the mistake.....maybe this time it was my fault and not someone else's. So, I tried my first crack at being an alcoholic. Overall, not fun. I don't see how people do it. I mean I probably had 5 beers and two shots and after it was all said and done I just felt like shit. Don't think I will be doing that again. I even met my friends out and even they couldn't cheer me up (which means that something was def. wrong) So I grabbed a cab with Bernie and headed home around 10pm. Once I departed Bernie, I started to walk home and turned on my Shuffle; the first song that came on was D-child's "Happy Face".....I remember before I left for college, my mom, sister, and I were in the car going somewhere and this song came on. My sister immediately turned up the radio and her and my mom started to jam out to the song....if you don't know it here are some lyrics;
I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face......
Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile
Here I was in the back of my mom's Accord looking at two grown women singing as though they came up with the lyrics. After the song ended I asked my mom how she knew the words ( my sister is a huge Dchild's fan) My mom told me that she heard my sister listening to the song one day and really connected to the words, she was having a bad day. So she went on to tell me that whenever she is having a down day, or things aren't going her way she listens to the song and comes out feeling like a totally different person. I just sat there and thought....."is this my mom".
The next song after "happy face" was one of my favorites..."You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Now, if you don't know this song, I will forgive you this one time. Here are some lyrics....
I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him....
You can’'t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
This song I had heard a long time ago, but when I went to school it was a favorite of my fraternity’s. The words always make me thing that sometimes no matter what you do, something’s don't work out. And, in the end that's ok.....because they will at some point as long as you keep trying.
Hearing these two songs put my whole shitty day into perspective. Did I do the right thing in quitting my job, hell yeah. Is it going to be hard getting a new one, hell yeah. But, as long as I don't give up, keep trying, and keep a smile on my face with my chin up, everything will be ok.
Thank God for Destiny's Child and the Rolling Stones
Yesterday I have to say was one of the worst days in my life in the past 5months. With the whole job thing kind of falling through, I just got to thinking that maybe I made the mistake.....maybe this time it was my fault and not someone else's. So, I tried my first crack at being an alcoholic. Overall, not fun. I don't see how people do it. I mean I probably had 5 beers and two shots and after it was all said and done I just felt like shit. Don't think I will be doing that again. I even met my friends out and even they couldn't cheer me up (which means that something was def. wrong) So I grabbed a cab with Bernie and headed home around 10pm. Once I departed Bernie, I started to walk home and turned on my Shuffle; the first song that came on was D-child's "Happy Face".....I remember before I left for college, my mom, sister, and I were in the car going somewhere and this song came on. My sister immediately turned up the radio and her and my mom started to jam out to the song....if you don't know it here are some lyrics;
I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face......
Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile
Here I was in the back of my mom's Accord looking at two grown women singing as though they came up with the lyrics. After the song ended I asked my mom how she knew the words ( my sister is a huge Dchild's fan) My mom told me that she heard my sister listening to the song one day and really connected to the words, she was having a bad day. So she went on to tell me that whenever she is having a down day, or things aren't going her way she listens to the song and comes out feeling like a totally different person. I just sat there and thought....."is this my mom".
The next song after "happy face" was one of my favorites..."You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Now, if you don't know this song, I will forgive you this one time. Here are some lyrics....
I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him....
You can’'t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
This song I had heard a long time ago, but when I went to school it was a favorite of my fraternity’s. The words always make me thing that sometimes no matter what you do, something’s don't work out. And, in the end that's ok.....because they will at some point as long as you keep trying.
Hearing these two songs put my whole shitty day into perspective. Did I do the right thing in quitting my job, hell yeah. Is it going to be hard getting a new one, hell yeah. But, as long as I don't give up, keep trying, and keep a smile on my face with my chin up, everything will be ok.
Thank God for Destiny's Child and the Rolling Stones
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