So....me and Tony have talked. I have to tell you that on Tues, I called him and he didn't call me back and I went totally crazy. I probably called him about 8-10 times, plus text messages, plus a million e-mails. By the time I went to sleep I was asking myself what the hell I was doing....the answer, trying to save a relationship that I want and need so bad. I love him too much to lose him over some psycho......
I have yet to comment on my relationship with him...so here you go (please note, this will be the one and only time you will get this).....
Tony makes me feel so good about myself. The end. I have never been with someone who questioned me for all the right reasons, never been with someone that told me that I'm a beautiful person, never been with someone that when I look at them I see my entire future in their eyes.......I love him and don't want to ever lose him.....
In the end I know that this is something that just won't go away, I don't expect it to. It will always be that one incident that stopped our relationship for so many hours, minutes, seconds.....What I do know and hope is that this will be something that we work through, together, just like any other problem that may arise in the future......and hopefully that will be a long one.....Together.
Friday, December 23, 2005
What to say
So I came home to St. Louis on Wed. night and I have to say that things have not been so great. Every time I come home, I always seem to get into some kind of funk. It's not that I don't like St. Louis. In fact, I love being from this city. I think that overall I just was a different person when I lived here.
I wasn't out at all when I lived in St. Louis. So I guess in some ways, coming home always reminds me of a lesser "me"....someone who was ashamed of who they were. Not that my childhood was bad in any way. Most of the time I recall home being ok. But, there was always that feeling, that I'm not who I am. And in some ways St. Louis makes me feel like I'm not who I am....
In some ways, I guess it would help if I were to tell my family about me being gay. I mean my mom knows, but my brother and sister or anyone else for that matter, know nothing. I don't know why I haven't told them...in some ways, I guess I'm scared of what there reactions will be. When I told my mom about three or four years ago, her reaction was nothing that I imagined....instead it was one of peace. Did she ever cry?? I don't know, at least not in front of me. But when I did tell her, she did ask that not tell my brother or sister or anyone else.
I can say that in some ways, I understood why she didn't want me to tell others, she was still dealing with it in her own way. But, I know and feel that it's time to tell others. I hate coming home and not talking about the people in my life. Tony, Chris, Chuck, Bernie, or any of the other great people that make me who I am today.
Tomorrow I'm suppose to spend the day with my brother and sister.....I hate planning things like this, but I feel like if I don't say something now, I'll be 40 before I say anything.....and I don't want to be that guy.
I wasn't out at all when I lived in St. Louis. So I guess in some ways, coming home always reminds me of a lesser "me"....someone who was ashamed of who they were. Not that my childhood was bad in any way. Most of the time I recall home being ok. But, there was always that feeling, that I'm not who I am. And in some ways St. Louis makes me feel like I'm not who I am....
In some ways, I guess it would help if I were to tell my family about me being gay. I mean my mom knows, but my brother and sister or anyone else for that matter, know nothing. I don't know why I haven't told them...in some ways, I guess I'm scared of what there reactions will be. When I told my mom about three or four years ago, her reaction was nothing that I imagined....instead it was one of peace. Did she ever cry?? I don't know, at least not in front of me. But when I did tell her, she did ask that not tell my brother or sister or anyone else.
I can say that in some ways, I understood why she didn't want me to tell others, she was still dealing with it in her own way. But, I know and feel that it's time to tell others. I hate coming home and not talking about the people in my life. Tony, Chris, Chuck, Bernie, or any of the other great people that make me who I am today.
Tomorrow I'm suppose to spend the day with my brother and sister.....I hate planning things like this, but I feel like if I don't say something now, I'll be 40 before I say anything.....and I don't want to be that guy.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The Latest News
So...there is still no new news with me and Tony....instead things are at bay for right now, while he thinks about "things".
I have decided that I have to be at peace with what ever happens, because being outrages and furious about things won't help. Instead I have to realize that there are good people and bad people in this world. It's life. There will always be people who want to bring us down in this world, the key is to stay focused on what we want and see nothing else. I know what it is that I want...as far as the person that did this to me....we'll Karma is a bitch.
I have decided that I have to be at peace with what ever happens, because being outrages and furious about things won't help. Instead I have to realize that there are good people and bad people in this world. It's life. There will always be people who want to bring us down in this world, the key is to stay focused on what we want and see nothing else. I know what it is that I want...as far as the person that did this to me....we'll Karma is a bitch.
Life Ruiner
So today at my job some co-workers and I were saying how we are life ruiners. We had to call students today that got deferred to the university until Spring admissions. Some of the kids I talked to took the news pretty well, wanting to know what they could do to further their chances to get into the university, while others were completely devastated. So in a sense "life ruiners". Some of this kids were hoping so much that they would get a letter in the mail that would say "Welcome", instead they will get a letter that says "You are on Hold".
I really love my job, but happen to hate this part because it is the side of human emotion that comes along with it but no one every really talks about. Kind of like relationships.
In yesterdays post(which btw, I know was a little heavy)I talked about how Tony's trust in me is shook. Well that's the thing...we never talked about the trust or lack thereof that we had for each other or our relationship. Instead, we took for granted that the other person could be trusted with no questions asked. Was that the right thing to do? Should we all enter relationships with little stickers that say "please let me know right now if I can't trust you"....or any other of the questions that never really come up.
In saying this, I guess the point is that we never really thing about the bad times that we might have with a person we are in a relationship with. Instead, we focus on all the positives....at least until the negatives happen. Which leads me to ask...."Is not asking questions, a Life Ruiner??"
I really love my job, but happen to hate this part because it is the side of human emotion that comes along with it but no one every really talks about. Kind of like relationships.
In yesterdays post(which btw, I know was a little heavy)I talked about how Tony's trust in me is shook. Well that's the thing...we never talked about the trust or lack thereof that we had for each other or our relationship. Instead, we took for granted that the other person could be trusted with no questions asked. Was that the right thing to do? Should we all enter relationships with little stickers that say "please let me know right now if I can't trust you"....or any other of the questions that never really come up.
In saying this, I guess the point is that we never really thing about the bad times that we might have with a person we are in a relationship with. Instead, we focus on all the positives....at least until the negatives happen. Which leads me to ask...."Is not asking questions, a Life Ruiner??"
Good bye and Good night....
So what I'm about to tell you is the truth....
When I was dating this one guy here in DC I was still in constant communication with Rick ( if you don't know that story, you'll have to go back and read)......anywho, I told the guy that I was dating here in DC about Rick, because I felt like it was important for him to know that I loved someone else. This guy would always ask, does "Rick" know that you are dating me and I would always say yes. I was always very honest with "Rick", because I felt in order for us to move on, truth would be important. Neither of us expected the other not to date and or see other people, we knew it would happen. In being honest I never really told "Rick" that I was dating this guy in DC....it was just kind of understood. But, the guy in DC would always ask "are you sure that "Rick" knows about me??"
So one day, I got an e-mail from "Rick" that said....."So, I got an email from someone I don't even know saying that you are in a relationship. After being in Peace Corps I don't listen to rumors. You can tell me if you are with someone, I would understand. As a friend of mine puts it, "Our organism has biological needs." Ah, the wisdom of the Kyrgyz."
I wrote him back and told him everything.....in the end he end up calling me and saying that it doesn't really matter. He just didn't know why someone he doesn't know would e-mail him. I told him that they were probably trying to ruin what we have....he agreed and we never spoke about it again.
I later would ask the guy that I was dating in DC about the whole e-mail situation....not really suggesting that he did it....but I guess in some ways I did think he did it. He got really upset and didn't understand how I could blame him for something like this and so I dropped it and instead tried to think of who else would do something so child like. A lot of names came in and out of my mind, some were friends, others were enemies. When it was all said and done I just decided that it wasn't worth all the time and energy to try and figure out who or why it was done.
Well that whole situation happened in May and I have since started dating someone else and never really thought about it until now.
Tonight I got a phone call from Tony that I knew was going to not so great. He sounded very worried and almost distant. After some prodding he finally told me that he just received an e-mail from someone named Mike Smith that said the following..."Hey, Sorry if I did anything inappropriate last night....I have issues, which I'm sure you know.. I would still like to get together before I go home. Think about it and let me know. These are all words that I wrote to my friend Jeff. This is what he wrote back....."Hey you...it's no problem. It takes two to tango, ya know? We're both "guilty" of that. You didn't do anything over the top inappropriate, so don't worry. I had a great time; was hurtin' a little bit earlier in the day, but it's all good now. How about you....did you make it home or did you stay at Chuck's? What's you schedule like next week and when do you get back from NY? Maybe we could do dinner on Monday or Tuesday next week?"
Tony didn't read this e-mail to me word for word, but just the jest of if. To make a long story short, he asked me what the hell the e-mail was about and what did I do that was so inappropriate. I told him that I didn't do anything and if anything I was just apologizing for being drunk. In the midst of this whole conversation I also got very angry and there was some shouting going on.
The back story is Tony's ex cheated on him. I don't know much about the situation and don't really want to. I do know that truth is a big thing with Tony because of it. So now, he gets this e-mail and doesn't know what to think.
After a lot of yelling and if you to happen to notice what time it is when while I'm writing this, things did not come to and ending. If anything, Tony's trust in me has been shook and I can't do anything about it. I told him that nothing happened and he just kept saying that he finds it hard to believe me when I say that because of what the e-mail says. I told him that I can't do anything but tell him the truth and that unfortunately if he doesn't believe me now, he won't believe me later. We left it at that and I crying and he saying that he needed to think.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I know that whoever sent the e-mail wanted to see me hurt, my relationship gone....and that just might happen. Who knows. What I do know is that whoever this person is, I hate them.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING ONE OF THE BEST THINGS FROM ME......MY TRUST
When I was dating this one guy here in DC I was still in constant communication with Rick ( if you don't know that story, you'll have to go back and read)......anywho, I told the guy that I was dating here in DC about Rick, because I felt like it was important for him to know that I loved someone else. This guy would always ask, does "Rick" know that you are dating me and I would always say yes. I was always very honest with "Rick", because I felt in order for us to move on, truth would be important. Neither of us expected the other not to date and or see other people, we knew it would happen. In being honest I never really told "Rick" that I was dating this guy in DC....it was just kind of understood. But, the guy in DC would always ask "are you sure that "Rick" knows about me??"
So one day, I got an e-mail from "Rick" that said....."So, I got an email from someone I don't even know saying that you are in a relationship. After being in Peace Corps I don't listen to rumors. You can tell me if you are with someone, I would understand. As a friend of mine puts it, "Our organism has biological needs." Ah, the wisdom of the Kyrgyz."
I wrote him back and told him everything.....in the end he end up calling me and saying that it doesn't really matter. He just didn't know why someone he doesn't know would e-mail him. I told him that they were probably trying to ruin what we have....he agreed and we never spoke about it again.
I later would ask the guy that I was dating in DC about the whole e-mail situation....not really suggesting that he did it....but I guess in some ways I did think he did it. He got really upset and didn't understand how I could blame him for something like this and so I dropped it and instead tried to think of who else would do something so child like. A lot of names came in and out of my mind, some were friends, others were enemies. When it was all said and done I just decided that it wasn't worth all the time and energy to try and figure out who or why it was done.
Well that whole situation happened in May and I have since started dating someone else and never really thought about it until now.
Tonight I got a phone call from Tony that I knew was going to not so great. He sounded very worried and almost distant. After some prodding he finally told me that he just received an e-mail from someone named Mike Smith that said the following..."Hey, Sorry if I did anything inappropriate last night....I have issues, which I'm sure you know.. I would still like to get together before I go home. Think about it and let me know. These are all words that I wrote to my friend Jeff. This is what he wrote back....."Hey you...it's no problem. It takes two to tango, ya know? We're both "guilty" of that. You didn't do anything over the top inappropriate, so don't worry. I had a great time; was hurtin' a little bit earlier in the day, but it's all good now. How about you....did you make it home or did you stay at Chuck's? What's you schedule like next week and when do you get back from NY? Maybe we could do dinner on Monday or Tuesday next week?"
Tony didn't read this e-mail to me word for word, but just the jest of if. To make a long story short, he asked me what the hell the e-mail was about and what did I do that was so inappropriate. I told him that I didn't do anything and if anything I was just apologizing for being drunk. In the midst of this whole conversation I also got very angry and there was some shouting going on.
The back story is Tony's ex cheated on him. I don't know much about the situation and don't really want to. I do know that truth is a big thing with Tony because of it. So now, he gets this e-mail and doesn't know what to think.
After a lot of yelling and if you to happen to notice what time it is when while I'm writing this, things did not come to and ending. If anything, Tony's trust in me has been shook and I can't do anything about it. I told him that nothing happened and he just kept saying that he finds it hard to believe me when I say that because of what the e-mail says. I told him that I can't do anything but tell him the truth and that unfortunately if he doesn't believe me now, he won't believe me later. We left it at that and I crying and he saying that he needed to think.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I know that whoever sent the e-mail wanted to see me hurt, my relationship gone....and that just might happen. Who knows. What I do know is that whoever this person is, I hate them.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING ONE OF THE BEST THINGS FROM ME......MY TRUST
Monday, December 12, 2005
New Look
So as you can see I've got a new look....I thought it would get me ready for the new year, which I'm only too sure that many changes will come......."cha,cha, changes.
Love that song.
BTW....I like to start post with the word "So"....it's almost like I'm picking up a conversation with an old friend I'm on the phone with and I just told you to hold on....oh well
Love that song.
BTW....I like to start post with the word "So"....it's almost like I'm picking up a conversation with an old friend I'm on the phone with and I just told you to hold on....oh well
Questions....
I've decided that from time to time, I'm going to blog about questions that enter my mind. Maybe I'll answer them, maybe I won't; here we go.....
-Why does it feel like when we have a really good group of friends, it seems like it's harder to make new friends??
-Why do people on the bus stop talk to you when they see that you are wearing headphones.
-What ever happen to the people that you were friends with in high school??
-How much can one person change in a year?
-Why does it feel like when we have a really good group of friends, it seems like it's harder to make new friends??
-Why do people on the bus stop talk to you when they see that you are wearing headphones.
-What ever happen to the people that you were friends with in high school??
-How much can one person change in a year?
Weekend Roundup
This past weekend I went to New York to see "the bf". What I thought was going to be a relaxing weekend together....did not turn out that way.
I went up to NYC with the knowledge that his sister was coming up for the day on Saturday and that there was going to be a few activities that we where going to do but I had no idea what I was really in store for.
I woke up on Saturday with the thought that we were going to meet his sister and her husband and son around 12:00 and then go from there. What ensued was a non-stop tour of NYC during the holidays. First there was the tour of Time Square at 1pm with 3million other people. Next, there was the walk from Time Square to the USS Intrepid, a battle ship turned museum. After the battle ship, there was a quick walk down 5th Ave, to look at all the window decorations. Finally, there was a look at the Rockefella Christmas tree and then a journey to the "Top of the Rock". After that was said and done, we grabbed a bite at a very random diner. As you can see it was a pretty long day.
I have to say in the moment I probably didn't enjoy everything as much as I should have. I expected to come to NYC and spend time with the other half and just relax. So many of our visits include others and doing other things with other people, I just was prepared for some nice alone time. I knew that his sister was coming up, so I def. knew what I was getting into, but I just felt like again, "our" time together was shortened. So of course now looking back on the whole weekend, I couldn't have chosen a better person to see so many things that others only get to see on TV with.
I have decided that we probably won't get alone time until a while after the holidays, it's just the way things work. We both know a lot of people, and love spending time with those people. So until we get to spend our alone time, I'll cherish all the moments that we spend with others together.
I went up to NYC with the knowledge that his sister was coming up for the day on Saturday and that there was going to be a few activities that we where going to do but I had no idea what I was really in store for.
I woke up on Saturday with the thought that we were going to meet his sister and her husband and son around 12:00 and then go from there. What ensued was a non-stop tour of NYC during the holidays. First there was the tour of Time Square at 1pm with 3million other people. Next, there was the walk from Time Square to the USS Intrepid, a battle ship turned museum. After the battle ship, there was a quick walk down 5th Ave, to look at all the window decorations. Finally, there was a look at the Rockefella Christmas tree and then a journey to the "Top of the Rock". After that was said and done, we grabbed a bite at a very random diner. As you can see it was a pretty long day.
I have to say in the moment I probably didn't enjoy everything as much as I should have. I expected to come to NYC and spend time with the other half and just relax. So many of our visits include others and doing other things with other people, I just was prepared for some nice alone time. I knew that his sister was coming up, so I def. knew what I was getting into, but I just felt like again, "our" time together was shortened. So of course now looking back on the whole weekend, I couldn't have chosen a better person to see so many things that others only get to see on TV with.
I have decided that we probably won't get alone time until a while after the holidays, it's just the way things work. We both know a lot of people, and love spending time with those people. So until we get to spend our alone time, I'll cherish all the moments that we spend with others together.
Friday, December 09, 2005
In breaking news
So I've realized that in writing this blog.....9 out of 10 times I was writing it for the wrong reasons.....I was writing it for other people....Not me. This blog is a way for me to write about my life and all the crazy shit that takes place in it. I'm sure at some point I'm going to offend someone I know, care about, or some joe off the street. I won't say sorry, just this is what is being said in my head and sometimes it's not nice. I've also decided that I'm no longer going to edit my blogs, as in go back and make sure there are only nice things said about people. If I do say something not so nice about anybody, those of you who know I love you, these are only words and hopefully my actions speak a lot louder..
Party Monster
I don't know how many of you people have seen the movie "Party Monster" with that kid from "Home Alone" and yes I know his name, but I'm not going to put it up here for the fear of misspelling his name. Anywho.....as I was watching TV the other day, he was on an episode of Will and Grace...and it got me thinking, he is a really good actor, he just never got the right roles in life. So of course I took that one step further and thought about my own life and people in it. What if we were never given the right role, but instead always typedcased as the same idiot each and every day. Only to wake up one day and realize what's been going on.
Well I have to say, that I think for the longest of time this was me. People knew me in college as this "Party Monster", if there was a party, I was there and most likely drunk and acting stupid. So of course after playing this role for so long, I just got use to it and kept playing it, well after school was over. In Pittsburgh it wasn't so bad, because the options were so limited, but once I moved to DC, it was all over. I probably went out at least 3 to 4 days a week. And, when I say I went out, I went out; staying out usually until 12 or 1 and on the weekends it was even worse.
The thing is, I never got tired of it. I would always meet new people and have a good time while partying. What more could I ask for?? Best of all, my friends were doing it with me. There was always at least on of my besties on my side as I was getting shitty. It even got to the point were I couldn't go out with at least one of them and not have multiple people ask me where they were. And then it happened; I woke up one day and realized that I had been typedcased and never really given the right role to begin with. So I decided to take a new one.
The role I took was not so much a new one, but in the end, who I've always been. A guy who likes to party, but at the same time needs to be grounded so that the partying doesn't get old. I have to say that most of it can be attributed to meeting someone, the other half I guess is me coming to realize that there has to be more then the same people, same places, and same conversations.
I guess the only question I have know is; when will some of my besites wake up??
Well I have to say, that I think for the longest of time this was me. People knew me in college as this "Party Monster", if there was a party, I was there and most likely drunk and acting stupid. So of course after playing this role for so long, I just got use to it and kept playing it, well after school was over. In Pittsburgh it wasn't so bad, because the options were so limited, but once I moved to DC, it was all over. I probably went out at least 3 to 4 days a week. And, when I say I went out, I went out; staying out usually until 12 or 1 and on the weekends it was even worse.
The thing is, I never got tired of it. I would always meet new people and have a good time while partying. What more could I ask for?? Best of all, my friends were doing it with me. There was always at least on of my besties on my side as I was getting shitty. It even got to the point were I couldn't go out with at least one of them and not have multiple people ask me where they were. And then it happened; I woke up one day and realized that I had been typedcased and never really given the right role to begin with. So I decided to take a new one.
The role I took was not so much a new one, but in the end, who I've always been. A guy who likes to party, but at the same time needs to be grounded so that the partying doesn't get old. I have to say that most of it can be attributed to meeting someone, the other half I guess is me coming to realize that there has to be more then the same people, same places, and same conversations.
I guess the only question I have know is; when will some of my besites wake up??
Hello, Hello
So many things since the last blog..that if I wrote about them, you wouldn't believe me. Let's just say; still seeing boy from NYC, still have my besties(although we are def. going our own ways), still loving my job, and last but not least, still haven't told my brother or my sister that I'm gay......
Get ready cause it's about to be a ride...
Get ready cause it's about to be a ride...
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