I don't think that I have ever cried so much in my entire life. After Rick left, I just sat there, on my back patio, crying. Thinking about how every time we are together, time always is against us. I just would like it if once, time wouldn't fight us, but instead make friends with us.
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.
So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.
In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....
Friday, August 12, 2005
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A BITCH GOTTA A JOB
I HAVE A JOB, I HAVE A JOB....I'M SO EXCITED, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT TYPE IN UPPERCASE...........I WILL BE WORKING AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS COUNSELOR.......I WANTED THIS JOB SO BAD, AND THOUGHT THAT I WOULDN'T GET IT, BECAUSE I HAD INTERVIEWED FOR IT A MONTH AGO....BUT I DID....AND I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.....FIVE LONG MONTHS AND IT'S FINALLY OVER......THANKS TO ALL MY PEEPS THAT STUCK BY ME.......MEAN GIRLS, I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU......RUSSELL, THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE, AND OF COURSE LIKE ALL AWARD WINNERS (I FEEL LIKE I JUST WON AND ACADEMY AWARD) THANK YOU GOD.........
Get out of my head Pt. III
When I got back to the States, my head and my heart were still in Budapest at the airport waiting for someone to tell me it was all a dream and the me and Rick were still living together in our apartment, living our happy life together. Not the case. I got off the plane to see my mom waiting for me. Thank God for her smiling face, if not for her, I think that I would still been crying. I hugged my mom for a very long time; rather it was because I hadn't seen her in nine months or just the fact that I needed a hug so bad from someone, I don't know. But, I do know that it felt so good to be home.
After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.
Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.
The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).
My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.
The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....
After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.
Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.
The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).
My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.
The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....
Friday, August 05, 2005
Glory "days"
So I have to write about this, because I feel like it's too funny not to.
In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.
In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
It's Time
So I thought I would take a break from gay romance story...and talk about some other things going on in my life.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Get out of my head Pt. II
…I have to tell you that I don't think that I've ever torn off my clothes faster then that night. We had amazing sex that night. As I rolled over that morning a sinking feeling was in the pit of my stomach, what had I done last night? I didn't want to open my eyes for the longest time, but I told myself that I had to; I just needed to know if he was still there, or had it all been some crazy ass dream. In the end, I opened my eyes to find him still asleep in my arms, both of us still naked. After we got up, nothing had changed; there were no weird looks, or awkward moments of silence or stares. Instead the day went on very normal. We both ran errands that day, and passed each other going and coming. The whole day I kept telling myself not to think too much about it, just let it happen, don't force anything. But, I broke down and decided to stay up that night to talk to him once he came home. I couldn't act as though nothing had happened; I just had great sex, with a guy who I had a crush on for 4 months now. I had to break the silence that was going on in my head. When he finally got home, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. If you are ever in Budapest, the travel channel turns into porn from 2am-5am, hot. Anyway......I wasn't watching porn when he came on, instead, CNN was on. I acted as though I was very interested in what happened in some obscure place in the world, but really I wanted to tackle him at the door and start asking questions and making out. Instead I waited for him to get settled and eventually he came and joined me on the couch. I told him that I wasn't trying to force anything on him and if that was a one-time deal, I was sure as hell happy I could be there, but I understood if it didn't happen again, after all, he had a girlfriend. I told him about how I had wanted to make out with him the first time I saw him and how I had all these feelings for him. In return he told me that he also felt the same way, but he didn't know how to go about telling me. For a minute we didn't say anything for a while, instead we just looked at other. I didn't know what to do, let alone expect what was going to happen next. But, the next thing I know, we were embraced in a kiss that I probably won't ever forget. We kissed for a while, and we didn't stop there. Instead, we had sex again on the couch. We ended up sleeping in different beds that night, because the roommate was back from his trip and Rick didn't want him to know what was going on. This is how it went for a while, we would wait up for the roommate to go to sleep and then he would sneak into my bed and we would have sex (sometimes stealing condoms from said roommate), sometimes Rick would sleep in my bed, and sometimes he would kiss me goodnight and make his way back to his bed. I know that it sounds stupid that we were sneaking around our own place, but in the moment it was a feeling that I wouldn't take back. I was a kid again, and most of all I was happy, for the first time in a long time. Feelings grew as seasons changed; we spent more and more time together, outside of my bedroom, and in it. Eventually the roommate and everyone else in the program found out about Rick. Mostly because the roommate found out first, then felt like it was a secret that was killing him inside, because everyone was asking him. So Rick told everyone. In the end that was probably the best decision. Everyone knew that I was gay; I had no reason to hide it. And I guess they put two and two together about me and Rick spending so much time together. The program was coming to an end and by this time Rick and I spent almost every hour together. I was in love, and not afraid to tell anyone who would listen. There was something about Rick, we could just sit and talk about everything and nothing. Things between us just seemed so natural. Then came the last day. I was flying to Chicago, he to Minnesota. We decided to spend the entire day together. Even as I write this, I can see the entire day in front of me, as though it is permanently photographed in my mind. The day and the weather seemed to know that it was our last day and they both wanted it to be perfect. The sun was shining, with a nice breeze in front of it. We decided to go to all the places in Budapest that we wouldn't be able to visit once we were at home. We started by going to the mall, and then the bath (no not that kind, Budapest is known for their natural hot springs). At night, we went to our favorite pizza place and I knowing full well that we had to be up at the unGodly hour of 5am, wanted to go out to the place where it all began for us. He wasn’t that excited about going, he still had stuff to pack and he just wanted a quite night at home. But in the end, he gave in and we decided to go out. I brought a pair of leather pants with me to Budapest that I had not worn yet, saving them for a special occasion. I put them on and no sooner then I could say lets go, we started having sex again......in a word...." "(There are no words for how good it was). We made our way to the club, this time not getting lost. We stayed only for an hour, there was no one there, it was a Sunday night after all. Still just to please me, he waited a bit longer while I tried to take in every last moment that made my experience in Budapest on that I will never forget. We finally left and made our way back home. By the time we got home it was around 2am, I decided not to go to sleep, instead I just wanted to stay up and take it all in for one last time. He tried to stay up with me, talking about things, all the while fading in and out of sleep. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder. I in turn, stayed up and stared at him sleeping, crying all the while, wondering what turn mine or our life would take after we departed each other at the airport. At 5am I woke him up so that we could take our stuff downstairs to get onto a van headed for the airport. I thought that we would be able to steal a few last moments together on the van, be able to talk about us. It didn't happen. Instead we boarded an almost completely full van, which luckily had two empty seats next to each other. In those last moments, there was no talking; we just held each other's fingers, hoping that no one would catch us. We made it to the airport, after what seemed like a timeless journey. The entire time I just kept trying to fight back the tears that I knew were inevitable. His flight left an hour before mine and to our dismay we found out that we were at opposite ends of the airport. I waited for him to check his luggage; in return he did the same. But, because I got the dumbest airline worker ever, she took about 20mins to check my bag, by the time I got out of line he had to get going to his gate. They had already called his flight once. There was no long talks, longing glances, or even emotional stares, instead there was just a quick hug goodbye and a promise to call and write as soon as he got home. He turned and quickly took off for his gate. In that moment I didn’t know what to do, I went from being one of the happiest persons in the entire world to being one of the saddest. And like so many scene’s from stupid romance movies, I took off in his direction…. running, trying to catch up to him, just so I could tell him that I loved him. Instead, I only got to see the back of him as he went into his gate. And there I was, left in the airport, alone to wait for a plane. I cried for about an hour after he left, boarded the plane and still cried. I don't think that I stopped crying until I fell asleep..
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