Get out of my head

I have to get this out of my head cause it is driving me crazy....It's about to be a bit lengthy...so settle in and just read it.

My Jr. year of college I decided to study abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Why did I go there, who knows, a lot of reasons,but....some things just were meant to happen. Anywho....I knew that studying abroad was going to be a time in my life when I would finally confront a lot of my own personal fears about where my life was going. Most importantly, I knew that I was going to confront the issue of being gay. I went over there with an open mind, knowing that for sometime I had these thoughts about being gay, but never really confronting them. I told myself, that this was going to be the chance to live the life that I thought I should have led a while ago.....
Once I arrived in Budapest a group of us made it to our dorm, where we would stay for the next couple of weeks while we were taking language classes. I happen to be on the same flight as one of the other guys that I was staying in a room with. Once we got into the room, we noticed a third bed was set-up and stuff was all around it, but no roommate. I then set-off by myself to see what was around the dorm and to make a couple of phone calls. I unknowingly took the only key to the room with me. When I returned to the room, there on the steps outside of the doorway was the best looking guy that I had ever seen. I stared for what seemed like hours into his eyes, not saying a word, just looking. Finally after snapping out of what felt like coma, I introduced myself and apologized for taking the key. He in return introduced himself, and we both made our way into our room. Over the next couple of days and weeks, I got to know him pretty well. We would talk about all kinds of things; why we were here, where we came from. Then one day, he told me about his girlfriend. At first I didn't know what to do, I just sat there with what I'm sure was the dumbest look on my face. In the same token, I never told him that I was gay, or what at the time was just an attraction towards guys, so why did I expect him to return the favor. From that moment on I told myself, that I would have to respect his boundaries and if he said he had a girlfriend, then he did not find guys attractive as I did. Fine, for the first day or two. But the more we hung out, the more I found myself always waiting to be around him; looking into his eyes, touch him (not even in a sexual manner), but I never did. Instead I found ways to keep myself busy, basically not hanging around him. Eventually I moved out of the dorm and into an amazing apartment with the other two guys that I stayed in the dorm with, him included. I told myself that as long as I stayed away from the apartment when he was there, I would be ok. I did just that by going out every nite. I eventually met someone at a bar and we began seeing each other. I was in the clear as far as my feelings for this guy, who I've decided I will call Rick, cause referring to him by "him" is not working. So I started dating this guy that lived in Budapest and therefore I spent less time around Rick. It was all working out, or so I thought.
Because, Rick and I were in the same study abroad program, we always saw each other in class and on trips. I couldn't get away and neither could my feelings for him. It had been three months since I met him on those steps, unable to speak, only stare. I still liked this guy, why?? I had never tried to make a move on him or anything. If anything we jokingly played around...pushing each other or saying stupid shit to one another, but never once did I try to kiss him or hold his hand. Finally, spring break came, and I decided that I needed time away from all of my feelings, Rick, and the boy I had just broken up with. I decided that I would take a week long trip by myself across nothern Italy and end in the southern coast of France. All in all it was good. Met some really amazing people, saw some great things, and best of all I got all of those feeling out of my head and dealt with, so I thought.
When I arrived back in Budapest, I came home to find Rick there with friends that were preparing to leave. I unpacked my bags and Rick took his friends to the train station. Our other roommate decided to leave the city for spring break, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the following week, therefore it was only Rick and I in the apartment. We decided to get something to eat...which in Budapest means that you decided to get appetizers and drink the rest of your dinner. After what seemed like hours of beers and conversation we made our way back to our apartment, I then started to talk about how I really wanted to go out seeing as though there were no classes the next day. To my surprise he said that he would like to come along if it was ok with me. Here it was, the moment I was waiting for, a chance to be with him and in of all places a gay bar. I told myself, that I wouldn't try anything, not unless he initiated it. We continued to drink until we got ready to go out, which in retrospect, was probably not the best idea. We eventually made our way to the club and started drinking. At first I felt very uncomfortable with him in this bar. I had been there many of times, but never with him. I was worried that he was going to get hit on, and then would want to leave, after all he had a girlfriend. But, by the end of the night, we were having a great time, talking and drinking. I finally summoned up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go dance....he said yes, with little hesitation. As soon as we get to the dance floor everything disappears; no music, no other people, just us. After dancing for what seemed like some time, something happened, we looked at each other as though we just realized that we were both there and we kissed. I don't remember who kissed who, I just know that we kissed and I remember it lasting for sometime. Neither one of us backed down or pulled away....it was as though it was meant to be. After kissing for a while, we decided to leave the club........I'll write this story in parts.......you'll just have to wait.

Riding a bike

So at first I didn't think that I was going to write about this...but then I figured why not, it might help someone...

So last week I was really upset with one of my friends for doing something that I felt was one of the lowest things one person can do to another that they call "friend". To make a long story short, he basically slept with someone that I've had a crush on, a known crush at that, for a while. At first I didn't know what to do or say. I almost felt like that Dave Chappelle skit...."when keeping it real goes wrong", I kept telling myself, to just calm down and don't over-react, but keep it real. I knew the best thing to do was to let everything settle down for a second and to think about what I really wanted to say and do. After talking it over with a couple of friends, it was decided that the best thing to do was to e-mail him all of my thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Which I felt was good, because I had already decided that I couldn't talk to him face to face, cause I was really upset at the time. In the end I wrote him an e-mail and told him how I felt about the situation and that I thought it best if we didn't talk for a few days. He replied to my e-mail, an apology for hurting me, and we didn't talk for a couple of days. While not talking to him, I thought about how much I missed our conversations....and what our friendship really meant to me. Without him, I probably would be a totally different person, not living where I currently do, and not enjoying life as much. I know, a lot for one friendship. But, I met him at a point in my life were I didn't have any clue on what or where to go or do. It was through our friendship that I answered a lot of those questions. Last Thursday came around and we finally met for drinks and some conversations, and the first thing we did was hug.....it felt good, like riding a bike.....you never forget. In the end I decided that some boy was not worth a friendship that changed my life. Instead, I decided to pick myself up, dust off my feelings and get on that bike again. THANKS...

favorite song.....

Afternoon Delight.....get it....

the newest thing

I recently, thanks to the tempjob that I have, found Yahoo, IM......it is by far one of the most time comsuming, fun times that I've ever had while doing nothing. You can play games with people, create a person that looks like you that others can see when talking, and a host of other things. It is amazing....you should check it out......I think you can just go to their site and download it...

The goings On

So I know that I haven't posted in a while, things have been a little crazy this past week so I had to take a break from something. This way all the crazy thoughts just got stored and now they are ready to come out.

I have somewhat moved from my former address....which in retrospect I'm really going to miss. It was a bit out of the way from the things that I normally do in my life, but I loved it cause it was a house. I have so many friends here and in other cities that live in apartments the size of what use to be my bathroom. It was nice, two bedroom, two bath, two levels......a lot of two's. But it had so much space. I really liked it. But trying to bring tricks and or anyone else back was a bit of a challenge. So I decided to let the lease end without renewing it, in hopes of finding a place closer and more convenient to the things that I do. So we'll see, no luck as of yet, but moving and trying to find a job, has proved to be a bit of a larger task then I first thought.
Speaking of a job, I'm still in the same position as last time I wrote. I still temp at this one place, for whatever reason. I guess cause it's easy money. I really don't do much. When I am given a task to do, I do it a lot faster then most people who have probably had this job, so my boss' look at me like I'm crazy when they pass by....oh well. I have finally gotten another job, which I don't know if I'm going to write about. I might.....that will take some thought on my part. I'm sure that I will have no choice but to write about it. We'll see...if anything it should be good, cause I will have the chance to make some extra money. So.....

Other then that, not much else is going on, I have this new plan in my head to start taking better care of myself. We'll see how that goes. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better, working out, and not drink as much, then something crazy happens ......i.e., quit my job or some stupid boy, then I say "fuck it" and forget about taking care of myself. Just lately I've been really unhappy with my body. It's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything, but after I graduated from high school my body was so much better....I hate getting older. So I've decided that I'm going to join a gym next week....would this week, but I'm still in the process of moving and I really don't have time. Next week should be a lot more calmer...we'll see

Anew

So,
Yesterday I have to say was one of the worst days in my life in the past 5months. With the whole job thing kind of falling through, I just got to thinking that maybe I made the mistake.....maybe this time it was my fault and not someone else's. So, I tried my first crack at being an alcoholic. Overall, not fun. I don't see how people do it. I mean I probably had 5 beers and two shots and after it was all said and done I just felt like shit. Don't think I will be doing that again. I even met my friends out and even they couldn't cheer me up (which means that something was def. wrong) So I grabbed a cab with Bernie and headed home around 10pm. Once I departed Bernie, I started to walk home and turned on my Shuffle; the first song that came on was D-child's "Happy Face".....I remember before I left for college, my mom, sister, and I were in the car going somewhere and this song came on. My sister immediately turned up the radio and her and my mom started to jam out to the song....if you don't know it here are some lyrics;

I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face......

Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile

Here I was in the back of my mom's Accord looking at two grown women singing as though they came up with the lyrics. After the song ended I asked my mom how she knew the words ( my sister is a huge Dchild's fan) My mom told me that she heard my sister listening to the song one day and really connected to the words, she was having a bad day. So she went on to tell me that whenever she is having a down day, or things aren't going her way she listens to the song and comes out feeling like a totally different person. I just sat there and thought....."is this my mom".

The next song after "happy face" was one of my favorites..."You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Now, if you don't know this song, I will forgive you this one time. Here are some lyrics....

I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him....

You can’'t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
You can'’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need

This song I had heard a long time ago, but when I went to school it was a favorite of my fraternity’s. The words always make me thing that sometimes no matter what you do, something’s don't work out. And, in the end that's ok.....because they will at some point as long as you keep trying.

Hearing these two songs put my whole shitty day into perspective. Did I do the right thing in quitting my job, hell yeah. Is it going to be hard getting a new one, hell yeah. But, as long as I don't give up, keep trying, and keep a smile on my face with my chin up, everything will be ok.

Thank God for Destiny's Child and the Rolling Stones

Update

So......here is where I am.
The job that was offered to me has been pushed back until mid-august. Because I am contracted thru a staffing company, the current company I am at does not want to buy me out of my contract, therefore if they wait until mid-august they won't have to. So the short story is that I will continue working at my current job until mid-august. When that time comes, if they still want me they will offer me the position. So.....basically I'm still without a job. Life sucks...on top of that I'm feeling very shitty today and just want to go back to bed. Oh well.....

How do I know

Every time I think of this phrase I hear little Whitney in my head......"How do I know..." then put my own words into the following chorus and verses'. Fun I know.. Well know I'm asking myself "how do I know what to do next." Here's the story....I have been temping at this place for some time now. I think that I've been here since the middle of may and now it's almost the middle of July. Go figure....anywho. Now, the place that I'm temping at wants me to work here full time. And, of course I don't know what to do. It's not like I do anything super hard here. I do admin stuff, which is actually pretty nice. My boss is great. Never really on my back about stuff, plus I kind of get things done when I want. There are two things wrong with the job though; 1. It's not very hard, the work that is. 2. It's not really what I want to do. But as soon as I list reason #2 I think to myself, what else am I going to do. I've been unemployed for damn near 5 months and I'm so tired of it. I want benefits, a place that I can call work, instead of picking up my checks every week in a different place. I hate it. But, I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I'm still looking for a job in recruiting, but to no avail I've found nothing. All the places that I've interviewed with are like, you just don't have enough experience. So I'm like, maybe I should get back into buying. I know that I can do it, it just has to be at the right place. So I've still been interviewing for a couple of buying jobs, but nothing there either. So I guess the question is, do I go for the for sure thing, by the way nothing is for sure or do I keep climbing a hill that doesn't seem to have an end to it and keep looking for a job in something that I want??? For right now, it's going to remain a question......

Memories...

I love the song "memories" from the movie "the way we were".......but somehow, not one of the memories from San Fran are water-colored, instead they are all live and in color in my head and I can't help but to laugh every time I think about my short time out there for pride. So, like some of my buddies here are my Top Ten reasons to go to San Francisco Pride, but of course these things will only happen when you bring us along....

10. A placed called "Daddy's" is always fun after you have been at a BOGO happy hour for two hours

9. The Golden gate bridge is always an amazing backdrop for all sorts of pic


8. BOGO drink specials can never be passed up

7. Nothing says gay like a "Pink Party", where there isn't so much pink, but a whole lot of Party.

6. Waking up at 11pm to go party until 6am is always a good idea

5. Walking tours of San Francisco are offered at 6am on parade mornings

4. You may get to see Deborah Cox in the same outfit

3. Tinker Tank Tinker Tank

2. Only in a City miles away from where you live will you run into a grown man that denies being at a bar you go to every week

1. Nothing makes you slide across a floor further then linoleum tile