The Book of NICK

The Hoildays Are Upon Us

2006-11-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

So.....OMG the holidays are here!!!!!!!!! I just screamed like a girl.
Once Halloween has passed, all hell will break loose and not stop until New Year's Day. I love this time of year, because there are parties to go to, new outfits to buy, and of course gifts to receive. If you don't know all the holiday that I'm talking about....here is the list. This will be the only time that I name them, so please remember for future reference.

1. HALLOWEEN.
OBVI it's one of my fav holidays, because you get to act a fool and be out in public. Best part is that you can wear a mask and no one will know who you are. See pic below.....

This Halloween got a little out of control with me taking it there....and being Buffalo Bill. GET IT!!!!! I also snuck a peek at NYC biggest Halloween party, The Greenwich Village Halloween parade. Good times over all. But now on to bigger and better things.

2. Birthday Extravaganza.
If you have never been invited then you need to get yourself to a plastic surgeon quick...Because only the pretty are invited to this Birthday BlowOut. It all started when I met this bitch...
...
Brought herself into my life. Come to find out that her B-day is a day before mine. Hence why we are eternal sisters. DER!

So every years since we have known each other we have spent our b-days in a drunken haze of debauchery and havoc. The celebrations last for what seems like a month and a half but really only last either a week or at least three days...all depending on when our birthdays fall. So this year we will once again celebrate the birth of two of the most AMAZING bitches to ever hit the street in a pair of KILLER FMP'S. All I can tell you is to be aware if you are around and not invited...because somehow you will get swallowed and join in the festivities.

So....from this point all other holiday are normal and still needed. OBVI, b/c you get time off. There is Christmas Eve, Christmas, and of course the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve. Which btw, I have never really done anything crazy on New Year's Eve. Granted, I've had some great NYE's, but nothing even close to handcuffs, dark rooms, and people I don't know. LOL!!!!! Oh well, we'll see what happens this year.

Again a word to the wise. The days between Nov. 10th-13th, STAY OFF THE STREET!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know, I know...did you hear...

2006-11-04T14:05:00.000-05:00

What is up,

So yes....I know that my absence has caused many of you heartache and distress, but no worries, I'm back now. I took sometime away from this thing to clear my head. There have been a lot of new chapters in the Book of Nick, most that I can't write about, because you would only believe them if you were present. Anywho.........The jest of the matter is that I'm going to start blogging more. So again I say, NO Worries.

The Author

I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-11T20:52:00.000-04:00

I'VE BEEN GONE FOR A MIN. BUT JUST YOU WAIT.........

When's the last time you enjoyed yourself

2006-06-28T01:16:00.000-04:00

So.....I just came back from seeing Superman Returns and was thinking on the way home about stuff I should write about. I know, I lead a very exciting life. LOL!!!!

Superman was really good. I'm a huge fan of comic books, so it's nice to see the stuff that I grew up on come to life on the big screen. As I'm watching the movie, I get to thinking about how this movie in particular makes one forget about the daily in's and out's of life. Instead, you get lost in the movie, thinking about how this was done and what would it be like if that really could happen. You find yourself enjoying life.........
So many times we get caught up in what we have to do next, what has yet to be done or even what wasn't done. Sometimes it's just nice to enjoy yourself.

While leaving the movie several people committed on how the movie was "just ok"......"it wasn't anything spectacular." Some even commented that the movie could have been better. But, as these people were dissing this well made film, I got to thinking about a time when people would have been awe struck at what was displayed in this movie. We have all seen movies like it....Jurassic Park, Batman, Willow, Star Wars....just to name a few, movies that made us forget. What happened to those times......when did we become a society that needed to see reality played out in front of us. What happened to just enjoying yourself at the theatre??? How have we become so far removed from a society that once was in awe of "Technicolor"?

I won't attempt to answer these questions; instead I will let you ponder. I have my own thoughts, but for now, I'll just sit back and enjoy.

What's the happs??

2006-06-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

So here is an update on the life of Nick.

The job is going well. I realized today that I really loved my job at the University. It really was a great fit for me. It allowed me to be myself with no regrets. I could talk as much as I wanted, and as little as I wanted. It allowed me to see the country and above all, drive to different parts that I probably never would have gotten the chance to had I been in another job. Most of all, it allowed me to have an impact on someone's life, which at the end of the day is all I want to do with my life.

*Warning soapbox about to be stepped on*

So many of us live day-to-day just trying to get by. I realized this early in my life, especially after 2 different jobs. I met so many people along the way that had been in the same job 3 or 5 years. Waiting for something to happen. When I woke up that day and quit my job, I decided that I would no longer wait for things to happen to me, that instead that I would have to make them happen.
So here I sit again, with a new job. I'm only a month into, and yet somehow it feels like I'm waiting for something to happen. I leave work filling like I could have done more, like I should have done more. I should've had a direct impact. Perhaps, it will happen. But, I've also decided that I can no longer wait. Because once you have touched the "rainbow" the last thing you want to do is stare at it out of a window.

*Soapbox off*

Don't get me wrong, I'm not out for a new job and I don't hate my current one. If anything I'm writing this as a testament to where I am and where I want to be. I know that me leaving my job in DC was not without thought. I know in my heart it was done for a bigger reason, one that I probably won't ever know the answer to. So, I'll wait to tell you what the happs??

So what happened

2006-06-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

So Pride has come and gone. And well, it was another Pride in the books. What can I say.
Friday got Spletty at a place called Mr. Blacks, where the bar backs walk around with no pants or underwear on. For those of you who haven't been to said bar, it's like a bar in someone's basement. Actually, more like a den. I have been a couple of times and each time I get very drunk and remember the next day how much I disliked the music. The drinks are always good, but the music could use some help.
Saturday found me extremely hung over and lying in bed falling asleep twice. I only got up in the middle to go meet a friend for coffee. After coffee, I decided that I needed a restart, waking back up three hours later and heading to another bar. This time around I decided that it wouldn't be a good idea to spend the next day in bed, so I decided to have one beer and call it an early night.
Sunday started bright and early. A friend was having a parade watching party that started at 10am. Needless to say, this lady likes her sleep, so I didn't get over there until 11ish. All I have to say is that drinking from 11 until 6 is never a good idea. If anything you find yourself at another party at 7pm and hating life. LOL!!!!!!

So, no big parties this year. No dancing with my girls and burning holes in someone's dance floor. And, no rush thru airports to catch an ealier flight. If anything, this years Pride was the tamest of the bunch. Perhaps, it was for the best. Maybe as I get older Pride becomes something that I celebrate year around or maybe even in those random moments when it just feels great to be Proud of where you are in life.

It's that time of year again.....is that the smell of Pride????

2006-06-21T21:44:00.000-04:00

So, another pride year is upon us. This will be the first time that I don't spend Pride in San Fran. Granted it doesn't really work out to go out to the West Coast this year, with the new job and all, but it would have been great. Instead, I will spend this year's Pride in a new city. Headed to Fire Island on friday and Saturday and then coming back to the city for the parade on sunday. Should be a good time. I hope.
I have to say that ever since I've come out....Pride is the one thing that I look forward to every year. Growing up in MO, I would always see Pride events on the news and hope one day that I would end up on a float in a cowboy hat.......I can't believe I just wrote that, but it's true. Side note.....have you ever seen that one movie where the guy's parents end up seeing him on Tv in a gay pride parade.....having mental bloc right now. It's either "the Full Monty" or "The Sum of Us".....with Russell Crowe. If you haven't seen "The Sum of Us"....you really should. Love Russell......anywho

The thing about Pride itself is the experience of it all. From the parade, to the clubs, to the concerts, to the events at the end of the parade. It is all worth it. My first Pride event was in Columbus, OH. I have to tell you that I didn't know that many gay people lived in the Midwest. Thousands of people. I will spare you the details, but I will tell you that I remember a random bartender, a cheerleader from OSU, and dikes on bikes.

The next two Prides would find me in DC and San Fran. Both so different, but both so fun. Lot's of boys, lots of dancing, lots of late nights early mornings. So that brings us to this year..... I don't know what Pride has in store for me this year. But whatever it is, I'm looking forward to the memories.

Wherever you go....There you are

2006-06-21T21:37:00.000-04:00

So....I apologize for not writing. I'm sure that many of you have decided to leave this blog behind. I had to take a pause from writing b/c of the whole moving to another city thing. For those that don't know. I moved to NYC a little over a month ago. I have to tell you that I miss DC so much. Most of all, my friends. I don't regret moving, I know that what I did was for the best. I'm in a relationship that is working out....and have a good job. Being in NYC isn't bad at all if anything, it's very cool.
So from here on out, I will try to write about the musings of a city that I never thought that I would find myself in. From, the million and one restaurants, to the fabulous club scene that I probably won't ever be apart of.....LOL!!!!!!! So sit back and enjoy the wild ride that I'm sure is about to ensue.

BitterSweet

2006-05-11T12:14:00.000-04:00

So... I know that I haven't written in awhile. Things have been crazy around here...and by here I mean my mind. Now that things have settled down a bit, I can now talk. So, today is my last day officially of living in Washington, DC. It's my last day at work the last day that I will walk home from work and, the last day that I will call 1st and W, NW my home. I'm moving. For those who don't know I'm off to NYC, to start a new job and some new adventures.

In the end it's all kind of bittersweet. I've loved every last minute that I've spent here; my job, DC, and of course my friends. No worries, this is not a good-bye post (that one will come tomorrow). But, I know in my heart that the move that I'm about to take is one that has been in the works for sometime. A famous person once said, "There is no testimony without a test." And so with that, I'm ready to be tested again as I move on in my book of life.

It's been my goal to get back into fashion every since I left my first job out of college. I now have that opportunity and can't wait. In the end, I guess life really is like a book. There will always be new chapters. So with that, I start a new chapter in the BOOK OF NICK. Thanks to all those that have read, stopped reading but still checked back once in awhile, and even those that came along on this crazy adventure with me. I will miss this place, but know that there are many more adventures ahead.

Peace, Love, and Hair Grease to all the fans

Get on it.....NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-07T14:34:00.000-04:00

So....I can't believe that I have not blogged about my favorite show of the year.......FLAVOR OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! If you bitches have not seen this shit....it is by far the hottest thing to hit TV since My Super Sweet Sixteen ( I live for marathon’s of that show...). It's just as funny and Lard' the people on the show are A.M.A.Z.I.NG to watch. The first season just ended, and you best believe that VH1 was not dumb and def. scooped up a second season of this great show, which starts filming in May.

If you have never seen the show or for some un-Godly reason never heard of it; first, get you ass in front of a tv and be prepared to die from laughter, 2) be prepared for this to suck you in, cause once you see one episode you will want to keep watching.
The basic premise of the show is that Flavor-Flav is in search of a true love. The show starts with 25 women and each week women are booted off until there is only one left....which is suppose to be Flavs true love....too bad, because the woman he chose dumped him real quick....she was just in it for the sake of making a name for herself, which I don't blame her.....granted, I would never stick my tongue in Flavor-Flav's mouth (I just threw up in my mouth, sorry)

Please check this clip out.....it will explain why you must watch...

and if you need another reason......

Now that I have added another bit of wisdom to your life......go and watch, you can thank me later

Happy Belated Blog Birthday to Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-06T17:31:00.000-04:00

So....I am so out of it. I just realized today that as of yesterday, I have been blogging for a year. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really seems like yesterday when I started writing about all the crazy thoughts in my head. Some of you followed blindly, while others did so hesitantly. There were even some that happily joined along willingly never asking any questions along the way.

I have to say that if anything this blog has taught me that maybe I'm not so crazy, only because so many of you agree or have been through similar crazy shit. So thanks to all of those who read...even when I don't update regularly.

I do promise to keep this thing going...hopefully for another year. And, I hope that you will join me for the ride and all the crazy thoughts that will def. ensue.

What to Wear

2006-04-05T11:37:00.000-04:00

So.....I need some help. That's enough from the Peanut gallery.......I need help in picking a swim suit for this season and a pair of everyday jeans. This past weekend me and the other half....with friends in tote went shopping. Well, no shopping was really done, instead we looked at some amazing bags that one friend is going to buy, hopefully, and also looked for some jeans. I am currently auditioning for a new pair of everyday jeans. If you know me....you know that I am not one to own a million and one pair of designer jeans. My theory is that I would rather spend $100 or more on shoes, drinks, or food.....I am a fat girl. In fact, I don't really own designer jeans....I have like a couple pair of Levi's, which I love...did you know they are one of few "designer" jeans that come in both a waist and length.
Anywho back to the story......So when I was working for this one teen clothing store right out of college as an asst. buyer....no bitches, I am not a retail rat....I don't have the mind set to deal with customers.....I love all of you bitches that do though....."better you then me"..... I would get a pretty nice discount plus a few freebies every once in a while. So my jean selection mostly came for this particular store....."why spend mine", like my girl Kim says. In being honest, these jeans fit like a glove, they are made for people who are not the tallest and may or may not have some junk in the trunk.
Well, after some prodding from some mean girls I broke down and bought the Levi’s. Now, after some more prodding from the other half, I have finally broken down and decided that I need a new pair of everyday jeans. You know, the type that aren't too tight, but still show off my assets when I'm at the market. Right know there are two that are in the lead.....

or

The other item that I'm currently auditioning is a new swimsuit for the summer season. Usually I'm a regular type of swim suit guy....nothing fancy and def. not a speedo. But, this year I want to try something different.....I have to say that I'm pretty happy with my body right now, of course it can use work, but all in all I'm happy with it including my legs...so why not show them off....So this is what I want....well I can't find a pic of it...but it's a Diesel number in black, square cut, may or may not be tight....thoughts???

Je suis Pardon

2006-04-05T10:45:00.000-04:00

So.....I will skip the usual apologizes about not writing for a while and get right to it.
My life has been really busy and I can say that it has both been hard and fun....most of all I can say that I look forward to the change that is about to take place. Before we talk about the future...let's catch up.

Work has been work....SSDD, LOL!!! Have not traveled since late November and I can say that without a doubt, I belong on the road. Have you ever seen that Marriott commercial for "the Road Warrior".....that is me. I don't know what it is about traveling, but I love it. I love getting away, being somewhere new, and exploring. Which in part is why I love my job so much. I knew that taking the job would allow me to go to some great places, namely California..... If you ask anyone who knows me, they will attest to my need for travel. Not so much to foreign lands, although home-girl does like to get across the pond every once in awhile, I am much more of a get behind the wheel and drive for hours kind of person. When I graduated from Amazing school in NW Indiana I bought season tickets for the football season and made 7 out of 12 games. At that time I was living in Pgh, so the drive was about 7.5hrs each way.....didn't matter, I would load up my car and leave right after work. Driving long distances to places just gives me the chance to think, be, restart. I miss it.....

Haven't really been going out as much....still spending time with all My Mean Girls. Actually, this mean girl, took us out for a Ladies night....in which we went to this Place. If you ever get a chance to go.....do so without hesitation, and ask for Ja'.....bitch will hook your nails up and not to mention that you also get to drink cocktails while you wait. I know riiiighttttt........

Other then that not much else....I can't tell you how happy I am that DC has finally joined the list of cities that are smoke free. I told people about a year ago that DC would follow suit after NYC.....some agreed while others shook their heads.....but in the end it's such a great idea. I know, I'm not a smoker so I have no idea how it will affect them. Frankly, I don't care. I'm just glad that I can go home and not have to shower just so I can go to bed and not wake up in the morning smelling like an ashtray.

No real vaca's planned as of yet, waiting for the weather to warm up a bit more and then I'm sure I will find myself on some beach. I am glad that Easter is almost here though(five days off, and people say Catholics aren't good people)....haven't had a holiday since Jan, so of course it is needed. As of right now, me and the other half are going to Boston for a couple of days....I've only been once and that was just a meet and greet with some of my favorite ladies, Janey Dukes and Nanna K.....so if you have any ideas, feel free to let me know. The man hasn't been back in some time so I'm sure that things have changed.

All right....I will stop rambling. No, I haven't forgot about talking about the future......I will, when the time is right. I have to keep you coming back some way......I promise I will tell all and also update regularly.

And the nominees for Best Picture are.....The Gladiator.

2006-03-06T14:28:00.000-05:00

So if you don't get the title of this post...I feel sorry for you. Let's just say, "God Bless Elizabeth Taylor".....you crazy so-and-so.

I have to say that I really enjoyed the Oscars this year. Of course there were the typical things that make each of us hate them....I mean really, how many movie montages do we need. I'm going to got out on a limb and say NONE. But overall.....I enjoyed them, because this year more then others it seemed like it was ok to not be so serious. I think a huge part of that was John Stewart. My favorite line of last night had to be..... "Martin Scorsese Zero, Three Six Mafia One." So here's my breakdown of the night.

1) Best Dressed had to be either Felicity Huffman or Jessica Alba. I mean, I had no idea that Lynnette could look so hot. As far as Jessica Alba, if I ever wanted to try it with a women again, she would be my first choice.

2) Worst dressed had to be Charlize Theron...what the hell was that airplane pillow doing on her shoulder. It was either a pillow or a fannie pack for her shoulder. Maybe she was carrying her other Oscar in there for good luck...God knows it was big enough.

3) What the hell was that girl thinking in Three-6 Mafia when she hit that last note. Bitch, you are not in "A Rising in the Sun"....and this is certainly not "Dream Girls".

4) I have to say that I'm not surprised or hurt that BrokeBack didn't win Best Picture. It was a awesome movie, yes, but he comes down to what "main-stream" America is more accepting of; Two Gay Cowboys or a movie that is a reflection of America itself. In the end I would also choose the reflection. I am happy that Ang won best director.....because he was. I am sad that Felicity didn't win....but she looked so humbled by the whole experience....I'm sure she will be there again.

So overall....a decent night. Made even better by stuffing my face with all types of good food and good company. So until next year......

Been a little Busy

2006-02-23T11:22:00.000-05:00

What's up What's up.......

So your boy has been a little busy, with some projects, so no time for blogging. Pardon.
One of the projects that I've been working on is this Olympic game at my office. The short version of it; I created this game where people in the office have to pick their favorite Olympian.....from there points are awarded based on the number of medals that Olympian wins. There is going to be a medal ceremony and everything when it's all said and done. It's actually going pretty well. I basically started it, because I thought it would be a fun time to pass what is somewhat of a slow period in our office. I will have you know, My Favorite Olympian is Chad Hederick...if you don't know who he is......SHAME ON YOU. He is SFH(So Effing Hot)

The other project that I've been working on is one that I'm very proud of. I've written a couple of times about how I really want to do something as far as the Gulf Coast Region is considered. Well, while watching CNN the other night there was a special report about what has been going on since the Hurricane. The report itself stemmed from Oprah doing a special about the same topic. So once again, I felt really bad, because I still had not done anything to help out. So at 1am, I decided to start a blog where people can post their stories about what has happened down there. My thinking was that this way their stories could not be forgotten and hopefully will reach other people that may not have known or cared about any of this. Here is the site... www.westillcare2006.blogspot.com ....which I hope you will check out. If you have a blog, I'm asking that you link this site to yours so that maybe someone reading your blog will go to this one and somehow want to take some kind of action. It only takes one person.

Something kind of Random

2006-02-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

So...here's to catching you up to speed.

1) Might go down to NOLA (that new orleans...for those that don't know)Found this awesome site. There is also a lot more stuff on the website. In case you don't click on the link...it's a link to Habitat for Humanity NOLA and specifically for St. Bernard Parish. If I go, it will be from Feb. 26-March 4th. A co-worker is also interested in going, so this could be an awesome time to share with someone else. Wish us luck....we have to ask for the time off. Even if I can't go this time around, look for me to be down there sometime after April. I really wasn't kidding when I said that I want to help out.

2) Valentine's Day is coming up and yours truly is a big fan of the holiday. I know that it's a commercial holiday....but aren't all holidays? I mean really....Mary did not give Jesus a chocolate bunny when he came out of the tomb...
Anywho, I can't tell you what I'm doing, but it's going to be great....I will report more after the day

3) I've been a real bitch lately.....something's in the wind and I have a feeling that it's here to stay. BTW....what's wrong with being a bitch?

4) Starting today until Sunday one of my gurls is celebrating her Birfday...so I'm sure that come next week I will have plenty-o stories.

And now for a comment from your local station.....

I understand that I will never know the full effects of Hurricane Katrina or Rita, I don't live in the south. I do know that I want to help and that there are a million other people out there just like me that want to lend a hand. The thing that makes me the most upset is seeing these people have to beg for help from the gov't. I am not one to get into a political debates about this gov't or past...don't take that as I don't get involved.....but it's time for people to wake up. It's not going to happen, no matter how many times someone gets on TV and says that he/she promises that help is on the way. LIES!!! If being away from my family for well over 7yrs has taught me anything, it's that you have to help yourself before anyone else can. I'm sure that there are people who live in hurricane devastated areas who are doing things for themselves....but my one warning is don't wait too long for help, for if you do, the city that you once loved, will be gone.

I have a mistress

2006-01-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

So...his name is Oscar and I love that he only comes around once a year. I'm way too tired when he leaves.....he is so needy and he takes so long, like he can go for hours.

In case you didn't know Oscar nominations were announced this morning, which by the way is why I was late to work...damnn Today show. I love them so much, because all year people have been seeing movies and stupid critics weigh in with their opinions and then all of the sudden Oscar comes out of nowhere and he has the final say. As usual I haven't seen many of the pics nominated. Of the ones that I have seen...

BrokeBack Mountian-
Loved it. One of the best Movies that I have seen in a very long time. Of course my bf Jakie G was awesome to look at, but it was a story of much more then just "gay cowboys". I think that Heath and Michelle stand the best chance at winning in their categories. I believe that the movie will win best-adopted screenplay, best film, and best director. THE END

TransAmerica-
My home girl Felicity is amazing in this movie and should win.....if that slut Reese doesn't sneak in somehow. If you haven't seen this movie do it now...it was a lot funnier then I imagined.

Crash-
This is a movie that everyone should have to see...sort of like Roots. It is that important. The entire cast is so good, but unfortunately I think it will walk away empty handed in the major categories. Still, if you haven't seen it, go rent it.

Then of course there is all the other movies that I will need to devote two weekends to; either renting DVD’s or going to the movies. Capote, Good Night Good Luck, Syriana, Hustle and Flow, Walk the Line...and a bunch more.

To everyone nominated....I say Good Luck, and if you need a date, I'm free that day.

Sorry

2006-01-31T15:27:00.000-05:00

So....I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a week or whatever.... a lot of stuff has been going on in my life, which means no time for blogging. For the most part, everything that happened, happened for a reason......but hopefully from here on out I make the right choices. Don't really want to blog about everything...just know that life changed and stood still for a while.
In other news, I have decided to stop being passive-aggressive. I've realized that it just makes me want to be that much more of a bitch. I don't really know where I learned to be passive-aggressive, it just happened. Then one day last week, nothing major happened that caused the change, I just decided that I didn't want to be like that anymore. In getting older, I've realized that there are certain things that I will put up and then there are those things that make me have the largest headache in the world. I don't want that headache anymore....

Time to Tune In

2006-01-20T11:56:00.000-05:00

So it's that time of the year again.....where the weather turns ungodly cold, work becomes some what routine, and TV becomes amazing once again. Every year about a month before Christmas all the networks, even some cable stations, stop showing new episodes of your favorite show and pause so that we can take time and reflect on what the "holiday" really mean to us...fuck that.....I want a new episode of Desperate....Well my friends the wait is over.
In case you missed it here is a play-by-play of each network;

ABC- Starting last week ABC kicked things off with an amazing recap of Lost.....the first hour was dedicated to what happen before the break....and if you missed it, oh well, it was awesome to catch up....but the fun didn't stop there. The next hour was all new.....btw....I'm not going to talk about plot, b/c if you haven't seen Lost in a while or you've never seen the show, you are missing out and I would suggest that you hop on the boat before it goes to far down the river. Anywho.....Even this week Lost was again amazing....let's just say that there is a reason this is on the best shows on TV.
Of course ABC's power horse Desperate has yet to disappoint this fan. I do know of a couple of people....names will not be mentioned....that have not cared for this season. Some have said that the stories in the beginning were not tied together, as they were in the first season, and that turned a lot of people off. I disagree with that. If this show is to last we can not ask for the same thing week after week....instead, why not play with character development....I for one loved the first part of this season and look forward to all the Desperate I can get.

NBC - I have to be honest in saying that after the original "Must See TV" lineup went by the wayside I stopped watching the peacock network for a while. Of course I have always been about Will and Grace, but even that kind of turned into the same'ol gay jokes season after season....plus I can catch past episodes on Lifetime and the WB, so why skip all-you-can-drink at the local watering hole just for one show....I don't think so. Well let me one of many to shout the praises of NBC's new Thursday nite lineup...it's not like the original but its hella funny. Starting with Will and Grace......this season is one of the funniest in a long time. If you missed the episode with the Sound of Music sing-along, you missed some funny shit. If this is there last season, I'm glad to see it go out laughing.
NBC's newest addiction is The Office. If you don't know the story, the Peacock borrowed the story from the Brits and in my opinion made it ten times funnier. At first it was kind of a struggle to get into the show, b/c me thinks it was on Wed. and you know my Wed. belong to another network...which we will get to in one second. Now that it is on Thurs. we are all good.....Seriously, if you haven't watched this show yet, get on board....Steve Corale is one of the funniest people to hit TV since Eddie Murphy.

CBS- In the words of my two favorite gay film critics....."HATED IT". I am not 45 yet....

FOX- I have to tell you that I was a little worried about the home of the Simpsons.... I mean really once Joe Millionaire Paris came out....I had to take a break....even the OC had become a little stale. And then, 24. If you have not watched this show.....MAKE IT A MUST. Things kicked off with a 2-day two hour premier. I know right.....the thing to know about the show is that each episode is one hour of time....meaning that the season is a full 24hrs.....
Welcome back to the OC.....if you were like me, you took a break from Newport and swung over to Laguna Beach for a hot minute, because things in Newport were becoming a little LAME. I have yet to watch the new episodes, they are TIVO'd and waiting, but if the previews are worth anything, things in the OC are going to be popping again.
Fox I have to say is trying to hit you with the three punches this fall and they don't seem like they are going to rest until you can't take it anymore. There last hit of the fall is the ever popular American Idol. Filled with all the lames of pervious years and some interesting talent...Idol looks to be as ever addicting as usual.

Bravo- Again the gayest network in the world does not disappoint. Project Runway...or PJR...is once again AMAZING. If you missed last season, go to Blockbuster and rent it now!!!!!!!!!! Although this season lacks some of the freshness of last year, it still holds true to everything that last season was, ADDICTIVE AND ENTERTAINING.

I know that there is a lot more shows out there, some that might be just as awesome as the shows that are listed above...if so, let a brotha know. Again, if you are not watching TV this fall....what the hell else are you doing MAN!!!

Olivia Newton John

2006-01-18T19:09:00.000-05:00

So....before the new year I decided that I was going to stop wasting my gym membership. I joined the gym after a long struggle with myself...do I or don't I, which one do I join, am I really going to go..yada, yada, yada. So after a friend of mine.....one who wears short pants at the gym... suggested that I look at the gym he goes to. I did so and found out that they were having a sweet deal, no membership fee and only $50 a month....I couldn't beat that with a stick, so I decided to go for it.
Now you have to understand that at the time that I joined the gym, I was living with a friend close to the gym and I was also working within walking distance of the gym....so as you can imagine, it was a match made in heaven. I went all the time, actually put on a little weight and was absolutely in love with the gym. Then it happened.....I got sick. When I say "sick", I don't mean a head cold......stuffy nose..I mean full out sick, like couldn't get out of the bed for a couple of days...couldn't start my new job sick. Needless to say I couldn't go to the gym for sometime, I believe it was a total of a month and some weeks.
So after I got better I would go from time time. Never really getting back in the groove that I once had down so perfectly. I made a pact with myself that after the New Year I would get back on my routine and not waste my money and get back in shape. Well that has kind of happened. I did start going... and I have to say that I am proud of myself for just that alone.....I no longer live in walking distance to it, in fact I have to take the metro from my job and then walk three blocks to get to it. After the gym I have to walk about five blocks to the bus and then get off the bus and walk about three blocks home. All in all a much different experience then the one that I originally signed up for. In the end I guess it just comes down to me wanting to make a change in my life and not minding so much if I have to get physical to do so....

A plea of sorts

2006-01-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

So, today while reading the paper I came across an article in the Washington Post that talked about students returning to school in New Orleans. Displaced Students Return To La. for 2nd College Try. The article goes on to talk about the feelings of several different students in the DC area that go to school in New Orleans. Some students say that they can't wait to get back to the city, which I can understand...parents and all. While others, go on to say that they don't want to leave the schools that they are currently attending.
I understand both sides of the issue, but I don't think that I will ever fully understand because I'm so removed from that environment and or that situation. I have never lived in an area that was damaged by a natural disaster...never went to school that was hit by a hurricane. But, at the end of the day when I read articles that describe what is happening, what did happen in New Orleans, I can't help but hurt. The thing is, I don't know what I can do.....
So I have decided to make a plea on here....my blog, which no one probably ever reads. But just in case, if you do know of something that a college grad with a degree in Communications and two years of buying experience and a year of admissions work can do to help out, please leave a comment. I have a big heart, not a lot of money, but all the time in the world to help out those who can't help themselves. I would be willing to come down to the Gulf Coast.....OBVI, I would need more then a moments notice...but willing none the less.

In the news

2006-01-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

So last nite I decided to take a peek at the NYtimes to see what the news would be like tomorrow. Much to my surprise I found an article on one of my favorite books of last year.... A Million little Pieces by James Frey. The title of the article was Best-Seller memoir Draws Scrutiny. So of course I had to read it.
To kind of my surprise the article went on to discuss how some parts of the book my not have happened (Frey claims that the book is non-fiction). If you haven't read the book I won't spoil it for you....I will just say that no matter what, this book should be on your must-read list. Anywho, the article goes on to talk about how some of the arrest and jail time that Frey talks about in the book didn't happen. It also ask questions about other parts of the book that it thinks are important pieces of the book.
My gripe with the article itself, is that it assumes that everyone who read it took away the same things......that somehow his arrest and time spent in jail played a huge part of the book and the readers experience. I say no. The arrest and jail time were such little parts of a much bigger, deeper story, that even if they were made up they would make no significant difference in the overall tone of the book. What this reader took away from the book was that here was a man that went through some horrible stuff....namely, drug addiction and alcoholism. In fighting through these addictions this man comes out stronger then when he went in. If anything, the book taught me to be patient and "hold on".......if you focus enough on something, like making yourself better, it will happen eventually.
So to Mr. Frey I say, "Hold on". I applaud you in writing such a amazing book, that everyone from drug addicts to house wives found that they all have something in common.... life and it's struggles.

Stolen...

2006-01-08T22:35:00.002-05:00

So....here goes a little infor about Moi....I got it from my bestie Chris who got it from this cutie named Sean.......

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: Membership Service Counsleor(Triple A), Admin. Asst, Asst. Buyer, Admissions Counselor

Four movies you could watch over and over: Elizabeth, My Best Friends Wedding, The Sound of Music, Moulin Rogue

Four places you’ve lived: St. Louis,MO; West Lafayette, IN; Budapest, Hungary; Pittsburgh, PA

Four TV shows you love to watch: Lost, Project Runway, ANTM, Desperate Houswives

Four places you’ve been on vacation: San Franscio, Miami, Niece, Venice

Four websites you visit daily: Washington Post, Dlisted, ESPN, NY Times

Four of your favorite foods: Mashed potatoes, meatloaf, pizza, french fries

Four places you’d rather be: a beach, BF’s bed, a spa, Austria

Four albums you can’t live without: Miseducation of Lauren Hill, Jill Scott 826+, Songs about Jane, Kind of Blue

Four magazines you read: Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustruated, US weekly, Cargo

Four cars you’ve owned: ’86 Corsica, and ’01 Bravada…that’s it, cars don’t so much like me; the Corsica died and the Bravada had it’s own problems…

Are you ready for some football

2006-01-08T22:35:00.001-05:00

So the entire weekend was pretty much lived by watching football......well the week and the weekend.
For those of you who don't know me, I love college football....don't ask me to explain, because I really can't. I remember that I originally started watching football as a way to have something to discuss with straight guys that I would meet in college my freshman year. In all honesty I had started watching football my freshman year of high school.....Yes, I was a band geek. I played in the marching band all four years of high school and decided that I would try to continue the same in college. Not being that involved with the sport in high school I knew the basic rules, but knew that if I were to go to a large school, like I wanted to, that I would need to know a bit more about the game in order to hold conversations with people....most likely because I wasn't ready to come out and at the time I thought that straight guys only talked about football.
So anywho....I got accepted to Purdue and end up watching my first Purdue football game that Christmas of my senior year in high school, The Alamo Bowl. At the time, Drew Brees was the quarterback at Purdue and all I remember about that game was how I could not turn away from it. There was something about the excitement, the unknown, the win or lose factor......I sat in front of that TV for three hours and walked away thinking that I can't wait to see this stuff live. I was hooked.
From that moment on I couldn't get enough of college football. The next four years I spent in the marching band, with front row seats to some of the best times of my life...from nail bitters with 75,000 people, to bowl trips in California. I loved every minute of if.
So here we are today, three years after college and I still love college football. Trying to watch every game that I can catch...of course mostly Purdue, but also other games, including some amazing feats this past week. If you didn't see any of the BCS games, you missed some great football that the BCS hasn't seen for a very long time......shouts out to all my Big Ten hommies.....Penn St, OSU....thank you for carrying the torch that is Big Ten football.
And, with the college football season coming to an end...the NFL playoffs stepped right in to take up that lack of time that I was sure was coming for me on my lonely Saturdays. With the home team in the playoff picture still I'm sure that my Saturdays and memorable moments aren't coming to an end any time soon.

A helping hand

2006-01-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

So today the roomie and I watched Extreme Home Makeover and I have to say that I was overwhelmed by all the emotions that were on that show. I actually try to make it a rule not to watch on a regular basis, because I know that I will just end up in a emotional mess. The end
The show this week for those of you who did not see it was about a family from Kansas whose house blew up because there was a propane leak in the house. Luckily they were on vacation when it happened so no one was injured. Unfortunately, they were on vacation so they had to come home to this big ass hole in the ground. That would suck.....I could not imagine coming home to something like that...let alone knowing that I have to come home to nothing. What the hell would you do??
Long story short, they got a bomb ass house and a bunch of other stuff like a full 4yr ride to K-State...I think.
The whole time I was watching it, I just kept thinking how luck Ty is to have a job where he can help people out. Then I started to think about my life and job and how I in some small way get to help people out. Granted I don't build anyone a house.....the only thing I've ever built was a dust pan in metal shop in 8th grade...which I end up cutting my finger on. Oh well....anyway the point is that I love that I get to help out....but I also feel like I should do more.
What that more is....I don't know. Maybe, volunteer at some place......who knows. I just know that I feel like I have a ton more to do in this life and if that involves helping others...then I'm more then willing to lend a hand.

New Year, New Me??

2006-01-04T23:43:00.000-05:00

So I know that I'm a little late with the New Year's Post, but whatever....eat me.
I have to say that 2005 was "The year of Change"....
I finally decided to do what I've always wanted to do...for those of you who missed it, I quit my job and followed my passion.....

So this is how I was originally going to start this post but as I started to write I started to think about how I've really followed my heart and in doing so change came about. Which I can't say that I'm unhappy about. If I have learned anything about 2005 it's that I should listen to my heart when it comes to all matters; relationships, jobs, friends, and even my bank account. That is all I will say about 2005.....yeah, I had some amazing times and some low ones, but I look forward to taking those things both lows and highs into 2006 and making the most of it.

The latest news

2005-12-23T00:49:00.000-05:00

So....me and Tony have talked. I have to tell you that on Tues, I called him and he didn't call me back and I went totally crazy. I probably called him about 8-10 times, plus text messages, plus a million e-mails. By the time I went to sleep I was asking myself what the hell I was doing....the answer, trying to save a relationship that I want and need so bad. I love him too much to lose him over some psycho......
I have yet to comment on my relationship with him...so here you go (please note, this will be the one and only time you will get this).....
Tony makes me feel so good about myself. The end. I have never been with someone who questioned me for all the right reasons, never been with someone that told me that I'm a beautiful person, never been with someone that when I look at them I see my entire future in their eyes.......I love him and don't want to ever lose him.....
In the end I know that this is something that just won't go away, I don't expect it to. It will always be that one incident that stopped our relationship for so many hours, minutes, seconds.....What I do know and hope is that this will be something that we work through, together, just like any other problem that may arise in the future......and hopefully that will be a long one.....Together.

What to say

2005-12-23T00:39:00.000-05:00

So I came home to St. Louis on Wed. night and I have to say that things have not been so great. Every time I come home, I always seem to get into some kind of funk. It's not that I don't like St. Louis. In fact, I love being from this city. I think that overall I just was a different person when I lived here.

I wasn't out at all when I lived in St. Louis. So I guess in some ways, coming home always reminds me of a lesser "me"....someone who was ashamed of who they were. Not that my childhood was bad in any way. Most of the time I recall home being ok. But, there was always that feeling, that I'm not who I am. And in some ways St. Louis makes me feel like I'm not who I am....

In some ways, I guess it would help if I were to tell my family about me being gay. I mean my mom knows, but my brother and sister or anyone else for that matter, know nothing. I don't know why I haven't told them...in some ways, I guess I'm scared of what there reactions will be. When I told my mom about three or four years ago, her reaction was nothing that I imagined....instead it was one of peace. Did she ever cry?? I don't know, at least not in front of me. But when I did tell her, she did ask that not tell my brother or sister or anyone else.
I can say that in some ways, I understood why she didn't want me to tell others, she was still dealing with it in her own way. But, I know and feel that it's time to tell others. I hate coming home and not talking about the people in my life. Tony, Chris, Chuck, Bernie, or any of the other great people that make me who I am today.

Tomorrow I'm suppose to spend the day with my brother and sister.....I hate planning things like this, but I feel like if I don't say something now, I'll be 40 before I say anything.....and I don't want to be that guy.

The Latest News

2005-12-20T17:32:00.000-05:00

So...there is still no new news with me and Tony....instead things are at bay for right now, while he thinks about "things".
I have decided that I have to be at peace with what ever happens, because being outrages and furious about things won't help. Instead I have to realize that there are good people and bad people in this world. It's life. There will always be people who want to bring us down in this world, the key is to stay focused on what we want and see nothing else. I know what it is that I want...as far as the person that did this to me....we'll Karma is a bitch.

Life Ruiner

2005-12-20T17:23:00.000-05:00

So today at my job some co-workers and I were saying how we are life ruiners. We had to call students today that got deferred to the university until Spring admissions. Some of the kids I talked to took the news pretty well, wanting to know what they could do to further their chances to get into the university, while others were completely devastated. So in a sense "life ruiners". Some of this kids were hoping so much that they would get a letter in the mail that would say "Welcome", instead they will get a letter that says "You are on Hold".
I really love my job, but happen to hate this part because it is the side of human emotion that comes along with it but no one every really talks about. Kind of like relationships.
In yesterdays post(which btw, I know was a little heavy)I talked about how Tony's trust in me is shook. Well that's the thing...we never talked about the trust or lack thereof that we had for each other or our relationship. Instead, we took for granted that the other person could be trusted with no questions asked. Was that the right thing to do? Should we all enter relationships with little stickers that say "please let me know right now if I can't trust you"....or any other of the questions that never really come up.
In saying this, I guess the point is that we never really thing about the bad times that we might have with a person we are in a relationship with. Instead, we focus on all the positives....at least until the negatives happen. Which leads me to ask...."Is not asking questions, a Life Ruiner??"

Good bye and Good night....

2005-12-20T01:30:00.000-05:00

So what I'm about to tell you is the truth....

When I was dating this one guy here in DC I was still in constant communication with Rick ( if you don't know that story, you'll have to go back and read)......anywho, I told the guy that I was dating here in DC about Rick, because I felt like it was important for him to know that I loved someone else. This guy would always ask, does "Rick" know that you are dating me and I would always say yes. I was always very honest with "Rick", because I felt in order for us to move on, truth would be important. Neither of us expected the other not to date and or see other people, we knew it would happen. In being honest I never really told "Rick" that I was dating this guy in DC....it was just kind of understood. But, the guy in DC would always ask "are you sure that "Rick" knows about me??"
So one day, I got an e-mail from "Rick" that said....."So, I got an email from someone I don't even know saying that you are in a relationship. After being in Peace Corps I don't listen to rumors. You can tell me if you are with someone, I would understand. As a friend of mine puts it, "Our organism has biological needs." Ah, the wisdom of the Kyrgyz."
I wrote him back and told him everything.....in the end he end up calling me and saying that it doesn't really matter. He just didn't know why someone he doesn't know would e-mail him. I told him that they were probably trying to ruin what we have....he agreed and we never spoke about it again.
I later would ask the guy that I was dating in DC about the whole e-mail situation....not really suggesting that he did it....but I guess in some ways I did think he did it. He got really upset and didn't understand how I could blame him for something like this and so I dropped it and instead tried to think of who else would do something so child like. A lot of names came in and out of my mind, some were friends, others were enemies. When it was all said and done I just decided that it wasn't worth all the time and energy to try and figure out who or why it was done.

Well that whole situation happened in May and I have since started dating someone else and never really thought about it until now.

Tonight I got a phone call from Tony that I knew was going to not so great. He sounded very worried and almost distant. After some prodding he finally told me that he just received an e-mail from someone named Mike Smith that said the following..."Hey, Sorry if I did anything inappropriate last night....I have issues, which I'm sure you know.. I would still like to get together before I go home. Think about it and let me know. These are all words that I wrote to my friend Jeff. This is what he wrote back....."Hey you...it's no problem. It takes two to tango, ya know? We're both "guilty" of that. You didn't do anything over the top inappropriate, so don't worry. I had a great time; was hurtin' a little bit earlier in the day, but it's all good now. How about you....did you make it home or did you stay at Chuck's? What's you schedule like next week and when do you get back from NY? Maybe we could do dinner on Monday or Tuesday next week?"
Tony didn't read this e-mail to me word for word, but just the jest of if. To make a long story short, he asked me what the hell the e-mail was about and what did I do that was so inappropriate. I told him that I didn't do anything and if anything I was just apologizing for being drunk. In the midst of this whole conversation I also got very angry and there was some shouting going on.

The back story is Tony's ex cheated on him. I don't know much about the situation and don't really want to. I do know that truth is a big thing with Tony because of it. So now, he gets this e-mail and doesn't know what to think.

After a lot of yelling and if you to happen to notice what time it is when while I'm writing this, things did not come to and ending. If anything, Tony's trust in me has been shook and I can't do anything about it. I told him that nothing happened and he just kept saying that he finds it hard to believe me when I say that because of what the e-mail says. I told him that I can't do anything but tell him the truth and that unfortunately if he doesn't believe me now, he won't believe me later. We left it at that and I crying and he saying that he needed to think.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I know that whoever sent the e-mail wanted to see me hurt, my relationship gone....and that just might happen. Who knows. What I do know is that whoever this person is, I hate them.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING ONE OF THE BEST THINGS FROM ME......MY TRUST

New Look

2005-12-12T23:42:00.002-05:00

So as you can see I've got a new look....I thought it would get me ready for the new year, which I'm only too sure that many changes will come......."cha,cha, changes.
Love that song.

BTW....I like to start post with the word "So"....it's almost like I'm picking up a conversation with an old friend I'm on the phone with and I just told you to hold on....oh well

Questions....

2005-12-12T23:42:00.001-05:00

I've decided that from time to time, I'm going to blog about questions that enter my mind. Maybe I'll answer them, maybe I won't; here we go.....

-Why does it feel like when we have a really good group of friends, it seems like it's harder to make new friends??

-Why do people on the bus stop talk to you when they see that you are wearing headphones.

-What ever happen to the people that you were friends with in high school??

-How much can one person change in a year?

Weekend Roundup

2005-12-12T23:42:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I went to New York to see "the bf". What I thought was going to be a relaxing weekend together....did not turn out that way.
I went up to NYC with the knowledge that his sister was coming up for the day on Saturday and that there was going to be a few activities that we where going to do but I had no idea what I was really in store for.
I woke up on Saturday with the thought that we were going to meet his sister and her husband and son around 12:00 and then go from there. What ensued was a non-stop tour of NYC during the holidays. First there was the tour of Time Square at 1pm with 3million other people. Next, there was the walk from Time Square to the USS Intrepid, a battle ship turned museum. After the battle ship, there was a quick walk down 5th Ave, to look at all the window decorations. Finally, there was a look at the Rockefella Christmas tree and then a journey to the "Top of the Rock". After that was said and done, we grabbed a bite at a very random diner. As you can see it was a pretty long day.
I have to say in the moment I probably didn't enjoy everything as much as I should have. I expected to come to NYC and spend time with the other half and just relax. So many of our visits include others and doing other things with other people, I just was prepared for some nice alone time. I knew that his sister was coming up, so I def. knew what I was getting into, but I just felt like again, "our" time together was shortened. So of course now looking back on the whole weekend, I couldn't have chosen a better person to see so many things that others only get to see on TV with.
I have decided that we probably won't get alone time until a while after the holidays, it's just the way things work. We both know a lot of people, and love spending time with those people. So until we get to spend our alone time, I'll cherish all the moments that we spend with others together.

In breaking news

2005-12-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

So I've realized that in writing this blog.....9 out of 10 times I was writing it for the wrong reasons.....I was writing it for other people....Not me. This blog is a way for me to write about my life and all the crazy shit that takes place in it. I'm sure at some point I'm going to offend someone I know, care about, or some joe off the street. I won't say sorry, just this is what is being said in my head and sometimes it's not nice. I've also decided that I'm no longer going to edit my blogs, as in go back and make sure there are only nice things said about people. If I do say something not so nice about anybody, those of you who know I love you, these are only words and hopefully my actions speak a lot louder..

Party Monster

2005-12-09T16:07:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many of you people have seen the movie "Party Monster" with that kid from "Home Alone" and yes I know his name, but I'm not going to put it up here for the fear of misspelling his name. Anywho.....as I was watching TV the other day, he was on an episode of Will and Grace...and it got me thinking, he is a really good actor, he just never got the right roles in life. So of course I took that one step further and thought about my own life and people in it. What if we were never given the right role, but instead always typedcased as the same idiot each and every day. Only to wake up one day and realize what's been going on.
Well I have to say, that I think for the longest of time this was me. People knew me in college as this "Party Monster", if there was a party, I was there and most likely drunk and acting stupid. So of course after playing this role for so long, I just got use to it and kept playing it, well after school was over. In Pittsburgh it wasn't so bad, because the options were so limited, but once I moved to DC, it was all over. I probably went out at least 3 to 4 days a week. And, when I say I went out, I went out; staying out usually until 12 or 1 and on the weekends it was even worse.
The thing is, I never got tired of it. I would always meet new people and have a good time while partying. What more could I ask for?? Best of all, my friends were doing it with me. There was always at least on of my besties on my side as I was getting shitty. It even got to the point were I couldn't go out with at least one of them and not have multiple people ask me where they were. And then it happened; I woke up one day and realized that I had been typedcased and never really given the right role to begin with. So I decided to take a new one.
The role I took was not so much a new one, but in the end, who I've always been. A guy who likes to party, but at the same time needs to be grounded so that the partying doesn't get old. I have to say that most of it can be attributed to meeting someone, the other half I guess is me coming to realize that there has to be more then the same people, same places, and same conversations.
I guess the only question I have know is; when will some of my besites wake up??

Hello, Hello

2005-12-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

So many things since the last blog..that if I wrote about them, you wouldn't believe me. Let's just say; still seeing boy from NYC, still have my besties(although we are def. going our own ways), still loving my job, and last but not least, still haven't told my brother or my sister that I'm gay......
Get ready cause it's about to be a ride...

Life's too Short

2005-10-26T09:44:00.000-04:00

I know that it was been sometime since I last wrote a blog entry......so the f@#k what!!!!!!!!
I originally started this blog as a way to get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. That's it, nothing else. When I first started blogging, I was going thru a particularly low point in my life; I quit my job, had no money, and basically was in the dark about what to do in general, I was even having some "boy" troubles. So with all of this, came crazy thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes stayed in my mind for several days and sometimes thoughts that wouldn't go away. So I decided that writing about the thoughts would help with getting them out of my head. In the end, that's what happened; the crazy thoughts stop hanging around as often, and I was able to focus on more important things, like finding a job and being happy.
I know that sometimes I write in spurts, it happens, like I said, the thoughts don't stay around as often anymore. I don't feel the need to write about daily things or even update this thing on an hourly basis. It won't happen.
So yes, I will update eventually...when.....who knows. If you are that interested in what's going on in my life, then I guess you will just have to check back in every so often or stop checking out at all.

LA- Day 3

2005-09-21T02:00:00.000-04:00

So...

I can't believe that I've already been in LA for three days. I forgot to mention in the last post that last nite I did meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. We just went out to dinner, but it was great seeing Matt and Jessica. Matt and I met freshman year of college through another great friend of mine. We, Matt and I, would get into the most ridiculous fights......sometimes I would just stop talking to him. It was awesome to talk about those times and just laugh. I'm glad to see that he is doing well. Oh, my friend’s girl also met us out for dinner, which was good; she is friends with Matt and Jessica. Hopefully we, Dawn and I, will get to go out later this week before I leave, she is a lot of fun.

So the day....well, it was mostly uneventful. I did get up this morning and eat breakfast, which by the way is not free. But, I'm not paying, so I don't care. I had this awesome french toast. If you are ever staying at a Holiday-Inn, try the cinnamon roll french toast, to die for.
On my slate for today, I had for schools. Well, when I got ready to go to the first, wouldn't you know it started to rain. Which made me instantly think of that song from Tony, Toni, Tony..."It never rains in Southern California"....love it. So of course traffic was a little crazy. It's like snow in DC, the city doesn't really know what to do with itself. It's almost like brimstone was falling from the sky, oh well.
So I make it to my first school with no problems at all. First up was an all boys school, that looked more like a compound for refugees....oh well. I get to the school a little early, because of the rain, and talk to the college counselor. She was so excited about my University. We talked about people and places that she knew in DC, which was somewhat comforting to hear. After about 45mins, no student showed up. Oh well, I think that I was being punished for seeing so many students the day before. So I left packed up and made my way to the second school.
Got a little lost, had to take the freeway to this school. I eventually found my way to the famous Sunset Blvd, this time an all-girl's school. Again no students. I now knew that I was being punished. Oh well. Because, there were no students to see I got to drive around the area a bit. I eventually found out that I was in the famous Bel-Air neighborhood. So many Benz’s and BMW's....not enough time. Of course I looked hot in my Dodge Strauss.
I then headed off to my third school. Too bad I got extremely lost and I think that I hurricane started, cause it started to rain so hard, traffic was at a stand still. So I eventually called the school and told them that I was not going to be able to make it, because of the weather and traffic. I then turned myself around and headed back to Sunset, where my last school was located.
This time the school was directly across the street from UCLA......which is beautiful. I met with one student and then contemplated going jean shopping. In the end I just came back to the hotel and read a little bit before dozing off. I woke up just in time for the ANTM reunion show....the season premier is tomorrow, so trust there will be a post about it.
So now, it's time for bed. The one thing that I'm finding out that I don't like about being on the road, is that I don't get to see the faces that make me smile all the time....I miss my Mean Girl crew......

LA- Day2

2005-09-21T01:28:00.000-04:00

Sorry for not writing this last nite.....

My Monday started very early. I got up at 5:30 to cut my hair and to make sure that I was up for my 8:30 appointment at an all girl school. For the most part my morning went well. I got to the school with no problems what so ever....even had time to stop at Jack n' the Box.....I love it. Got to my first school and started my career officially as an Admissions Counselor.
My first meeting with a high school guidance counselor was interesting. All I had to do was smile and all the sudden this older women, who had been working in education since 1970, poured her heart out to me about higher education. We talked for some time about the raising cost of education and those that will eventually left out, because of it. This woman displayed a passion that one rarely sees. She was so committed to getting the students in her school, which by the way was mostly Latinos, to a college. She repeatedly told me that everyday she stresses to her students that without an education, nothing will come to you. After we had our wonderful conversation, I finally got to met with my first student on the road. She was a quite girl who had only a few questions about the University. I went through my normal routine and that was it.....no fireworks, no champagne popping in the background, just a whiff of air.
I left the school feeling like a complete failure. I just visited my first school and came out feeling like I did nothing at all. It was horrible. I then had a conversation with myself and tried to figure out why that was so non-climatic. In the end I chalked it up to me not being me. I went in there and talked as though I was some robot, sent on one mission and given specific instructions. That's not me. I love talking about higher ed.....I think that it's an awesome opportunity that we have in this country, an opportunity that too many of us take for granted. As I was driving to my second school, I vowed that I would only continue with this career if I was only going to be myself. That person that loves talking to students, parents, and teachers.
With my renewed energy, I went to my second school, which was an all-boys school. I was again ready to meet with at most one or two students. The thing about coming out to California to recruit is that I don't expect to get a lot, because my school is all the way in DC, not around the corner from LA. But, I walk into this class room and there are about 30 kids, all seniors, all on their lunch break. It was a great feeling. At the end of my presentation the counselor came up to me to thank me for coming and then the last thing she said was, "you really did an amazing job, and I know that a lot of our kids have a strong interest in your University, after your presentation." That right there made it all worth it. That was me. The person that for some reason I couldn't be that first time around.
I left the school, feeling better then I had in a very long time. I even treated myself to a place called "Pink's Hot Dog's"....supposedly a world famous hot dog place in LA. It was good, had the bacon chili cheese dog.....I couldn't help myself.
After lunch, I made my way to my final school for the day; again it was an all-girl’s school. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the counseling department and I was left off the schedule. No worries, I talked with the counselor for a minute or two, and then I was on my way.
Overall, I have to say that I now know that this is what I want to do. This, this job, is me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

LA- day 1

2005-09-18T22:43:00.000-04:00

The next two weeks, I'm going to try to write about what one does on the road as a college admissions counsler. Because this is really my first "real" go at it, I think it will help me and maybe others to view my thoughts and preception of this life that I so want. Let's get started.

I got to LA, after what was a bit of a long weekend. The "new guy" came into town and I did not want to live DC nor did I want him to go back to NYC, oh well. Life must go on. So, after getting home at 4am and still needing to pack, me and the "new guy" took a nap...if you can call closing your eyes for 30mins a nap..........and I got up at 6:15am to catch a 8:40 flight out of Dulles. After getting a little lost to the airport out in the cut, I got on the plane and waited for my 5hr. flight to start. I slept, as you can imagine, most of the way out here. I was so tired, I think I saw the guy next to me twice; once when I got on the plane and the other time was when I got off of it. Oh well.
So, I've only been to LA once and that was when I came out here for the Rose Bowl, my sphomore year in college....so it's been a while. I gather my luggage from baggage claim and look for the rent-a-car place. Now you have to understand that any time I travel, I never drive, there are always people who wish to do that, but not this time. So, I found out, that I had to wait for a shuttle to take me the place for a car. Now, because I rented a car, or someone else rented a car for me, from a place called Advantage, I had to wait for sometime before the shuttle came. Which was ok, I had nothing else to do. I decided to come to LA a day early just for reasons like this.
Finally after reaching the car place, it took a bit, note to self (rent from national companies only).....I finally got the car and made my way for the "dangerous" LA freeways. Not so dangerous. I got a little lost trying to find my hotel, which is across the street from the Staples Center. I then decided that I would find out where some of the high schools were that I have to visit tomorrow. For the most part, I think that I will be the only person of color for some miles. A lot of the schools that I visit tomorrow are in very deep hispianc communities. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just think that things will get interesting. We'll have to wait and see I guess. Other then that I stopped and got Jack n the Box, which we have in St. Louis, but I've not found anywhere else.....do not knock the tacos, spicy chicken sandwich, and the potatoe wedges.....they are the stuff to die for.
That's about it.....found my way back to the hotel and I decided that I would just stick around the hotel and order room service and read and watch the emmy's......I know totally lame, but I'm really tired after last night and I think a little jet lagged.......until tomorrow.

Here We go

2005-09-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

For the next two weeks I'm on a trip for work....that in the end, will take me all over the place; Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Chicago. Sitting here in my hotel room, I can hardly believe just three weeks ago I was still temping and wondering what my next move was going to be. I had thought that I really had come to the end of my rope. I had been unemployed for five months and nothing. No job, no one calling for a job, nothing.
The whole time that I was not "working", I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seemed that I just up and quit my job on the whim of a breath......that may or may not be true.....I did it. And, I knew that the outcome may not be pretty. But, the more that I work at my new job; I have realized that "that", me quitting my job, was one of my defining moments in life.
We all have them, defining moments. The moment in time when we stand up to what ever it is that gives us a headache every night, when we tell ourselves "no more". That moment in life where we refuse to live, the way we did the day before. Everything changes from here on out........ Of course we, you, I, can have a million defining moments. In the end I just think that it's about recognizing those moments as such and not just a casual moment that just happens.
I'm glad that I've had another defining moment in my life. My first, I would have to say, came when I decided I would go to Purdue. I was the first person in my family to go to college, and I knew that in order to do "something" in life, I would have to go to college......my defining moment. The next came when I "came out" and started to tell those close to me that I was gay. I no longer wanted to keep my life a secret, I had another defining moment. The last one has been chronicled just a bit on this blog, so no need to go into detail about that.
So what's my latest defining moment?? I'm ready to be in a relationship......I know that I have written about my relationships....past and present. But, the truth is that every since I met this "new guy", I have realized that I'm ready to stand up once again and live the next day a little different then the previous one. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Last night.....

2005-09-09T11:24:00.000-04:00

So this is an e-mail that I sent to my friend this morning when I got to work; mind you that I'm suppose to be at work at 9am and I got here at 10am....oh well, I live for another day.... the one thing you need to know is that I had about 5 or 6 Jack and Coke's......what a way to start a night...

"So......after you left my drunk ass me and Tony went to Cobalt...where I had maybe half a drink. Then I was like...." I have to go". Nard, I could barely stand.....I was such a mess. So I left there and put myself in a cab.....I get in the cab and I'm like, " thank god I got out of there" so then I'm like I'll take a little nap........nope.....I go to put my head down in the cab and everything I drank came up in my mouth....so I open the door to the cab while it is still moving and puke......then I'm like...ok glad that's over....nope.....as soon as I close the door...I puke again....this time in the cab.....all over the door.....so the cab pulls over and I'm trying to wipe it off the handle so i can get out......before the cab driver could say anything to me...I throw $20 in the cab and run down Ust.........that's when I called Jeff and was like...I have to come over now..so I get over there and pass the fuck out.....wake up this morning and had no idea where I was.......I'm a mess"

So funny

been gone for a min.

2005-09-09T11:19:00.000-04:00

So upon the request or demands of some......bitches.........I'm going to post a new update.

Things have been going good with me. Met the really awesome guy, had three amazing days with him and then he moved to NYC. The crazy thing is, I can't stop thinking about him. Don't know if that is a good thing or not. We'll have to see how this pans out. I would love to see him again, but who knows.

Work is amazing. Having a really good time. Plus, it's always a good feeling, when you want to come to work, instead of dreading waking up in the morning. I don't know what is; maybe it's that I'm doing something that I want or that I actually have responsbilities here. Whatever it is, I hope it doesnt' stop.

Sorry about not updating in a while.....I promise I'll be better about it.

A sad day

2005-09-01T10:47:00.000-04:00

I know that I haven't posted in a long time, I promise I will. So much to talk about.......new job, travel plans, a boy that I'm uber crazy about..........but I did want to say, please pray for all the victims and survivors of Hurricane Katrina. What is happening in the Gulf Coast is horrible and makes me extremely sad. If you can, give what you can. Every little bit will help. The New York Times offers a great link to a lot of different charities. Please get involved.

Get out of my head Pt. IV........

2005-08-12T14:05:00.000-04:00

I don't think that I have ever cried so much in my entire life. After Rick left, I just sat there, on my back patio, crying. Thinking about how every time we are together, time always is against us. I just would like it if once, time wouldn't fight us, but instead make friends with us.
The rest of the school year went by very slow, I remember. Rick called after a couple of weeks. I could tell that he was hurting; it was in his voice. I just wanted to jump through the phone and hold him and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I soon graduated and took a job in Pittsburgh, by myself. Rick was still at home with the rest of his family, trying to put all the missing pieces together from his brothers death. Even though I was in a new city, I still could only think about him and what he was doing. He eventually called and told me that he needed to get away and he was going to do this by joining the Peace Corps. I told him that I didn't know if that was the best idea, but if he felt like it was best for him then he should go ahead. He soon moved to DC to start training for his Peace Corps mission, he was being sent to some Asian country that I had only vaguely heard of. We made plans for him to come and visit me in Pittsburgh. He was there for three days and as usual with us, we laughed, talked, made love and then he was on his way back to DC. I would eventually come out here to visit him, on two occasions. The first time out here, we talked about him and whether or not he was making the right decision. There was something weird about him, but I chalked it up to him being nervous about having to go to a strange land. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right.
On my ride back to Pittsburgh I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that nothing was wrong. But on my second visit out here I would soon find out that he had slept with someone I know and didn't tell me about it. Of course me being me, I unleashed anger and hurt that not many have seen. I confronted him about it and told him that he truly hurt me. I loved him, and it felt like a slap in the face. We fought (really me yelling on 1st and P, at 3:00 in the morning) for what seemed like forever. But at the end of the fight....I just cried, because I didn't know what to do. In the end I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he said that he wanted to go and talk. We decided to go some where I wouldn't make a scene, the National Cathedral. It was there that we talked about my hurt, and his feelings of regret, of course we both ended up crying and then talking about why we love each other so much. Funny, that it took a place of God to realize how amazing we are for each other.
The next day he left for the Peace Corps. I told myself that I wouldn't cry. All my friends kept asking, how was "this", us, going to work. I had no idea, but I knew that no matter what in the end, whether in this life time or another, we would be together.

So it's been two years since I last saw Rick, never stopped thinking about him or what he's been up to. We kept in touch every so often through e-mail. Funny enough, rural Asian villages don't really have Internet capability. But, somehow we made it work; whether through once a month phone calls or every two-weeks e-mails... So, four weeks ago I got a e-mail from Rick that said "In states, for good. Coming out east. Will call you soon". That was it, no I love you, 143, nothing.....just a quick note that you might leave a maid to tell her that the darks need to be done. Of course I didn't know what to do or make of this, so I just started trying to figure out a way to contact him. Not long after the e-mail, he called me, and I just froze. He was really him, no static, no disconnects...no I gotta go before the lady cuts me off.....instead just a bright and amazing "hello". Of course me being me, I started to cry, just like I am now typing about it. We made plans for him to come out here, unfortunately he was coming out this way with parents in tote, so that they could all go visit his other brother who is stationed in VA. He said that he would be able to stay for one day. I didn't argue or put up a fight, instead I just told him to come.
When he finally got here, of course I didn't sleep at all the night before, we hugged for so long that I didn't want to let go. We just stood there hugging. He smelled, looked, and felt the same way he did when I last saw him. I just wanted to take it all in and never let it go. In the course of two nights and one day, we talked, made love(several times), and laughed as though two years never happened. But, I knew that it had to end sometime. He told me that he had been accepted to grad school in Budapest, my heart immediately sank. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I didn't want to see his back with tears in my eyes. I told him that ultimately the decision was up to him and that he had to do what’s best. I also told him that I have loved him ever since I saw him on those steps.....that I would always love him, no matter how far he goes, no matter what happens. I also told him that I was willing to wait forever for us to be together.

In the end....well there is no end.....he is planning on visiting before he leaves for Budapest, I'm planning on going there for his birthday. Who knows, I might even move there.....I do know that in writing this story about us, my love for him has only grown and that's something that I never want to get out of my head....

A BITCH GOTTA A JOB

2005-08-11T16:34:00.000-04:00

I HAVE A JOB, I HAVE A JOB....I'M SO EXCITED, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT TYPE IN UPPERCASE...........I WILL BE WORKING AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS COUNSELOR.......I WANTED THIS JOB SO BAD, AND THOUGHT THAT I WOULDN'T GET IT, BECAUSE I HAD INTERVIEWED FOR IT A MONTH AGO....BUT I DID....AND I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.....FIVE LONG MONTHS AND IT'S FINALLY OVER......THANKS TO ALL MY PEEPS THAT STUCK BY ME.......MEAN GIRLS, I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU......RUSSELL, THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE, AND OF COURSE LIKE ALL AWARD WINNERS (I FEEL LIKE I JUST WON AND ACADEMY AWARD) THANK YOU GOD.........

Get out of my head Pt. III

2005-08-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

When I got back to the States, my head and my heart were still in Budapest at the airport waiting for someone to tell me it was all a dream and the me and Rick were still living together in our apartment, living our happy life together. Not the case. I got off the plane to see my mom waiting for me. Thank God for her smiling face, if not for her, I think that I would still been crying. I hugged my mom for a very long time; rather it was because I hadn't seen her in nine months or just the fact that I needed a hug so bad from someone, I don't know. But, I do know that it felt so good to be home.

After I got home, it was kind of weird. There was no Rick, no waking up with someone in my bed, and no foreign languages. It took me a while to adjust to thinks, being back to normal, but eventually I got over all the things that I missed, except for Rick. I thought about him everyday; when I woke up, when I would lie down for a nap, even before I went to bed, he was always on my mind. About the end of the first month at home, I would be home for three months before I would go back to school, and no phone call from Rick I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept thinking that maybe it was only me that was in love, maybe it was only me who had all those feelings and I made myself think that Rick felt that way for me. Then one day while watching Oprah, the phone rang and on the other end, was a voice that made me cry as soon as I heard it. It was Rick. I wanted to jump through the phone, hug him, kiss him, most of all I didn't want to let go again. We talked for about three hours, then he said the words that have come to be our trade mark, whether in e-mails or phone calls, "143" (it means I love you) and then he said that he would talk to me later. That was it, after not seeing each other for a month that was all I got, 3hrs later and 143. There I was again, alone and crying. This is how it went for the rest of the summer, until the third and final month of me being at home.

Around the second week in Aug. Rick called me and told me that he would be in St. Louis for a couple of hours, before heading to visit his grandmother. He asked if it would be ok if he stopped by, of course I put up no fight. The next couple of days were crazy....I didn't know if things would still be the same between us; was he coming down here to tell me that things were over between us and he wanted nothing to do with me or was he coming down here to tell me that he still loved me? I had no idea, but I know that I just wanted to see him so all of the questions could get out of my head. The night before he was supposed to arrive, I slept maybe two hours. How could I sleep when I felt like one of the most important events was about to happen in my life.

The next day I woke up from my non-sleep only to hear the doorbell ringing, it was him, earlier then what I expected, but none the less it was him. I open the door and we immediately hugged each other and kissed for what again seemed like forever. We talked for a while about what we had been up to since we last saw each other, and in between conversations we would steal kisses and hugs. Eventually, we made love (yes, I said made love.....I know it was love, cause it felt like nothing I had ever felt before) and afterwards we held each other and talked more. We decided that we would still try to see one another throughout the school year; he had one semester left at U of M and I had two left at Purdue. In the end I knew that he would have to leave at some point so I told myself, just tell him you love him and let him go. So I did just that and we left with the promise that we would try to see each other at least once a month (U of M and Purdue are about 7hrs away from each other).

My final school year started with little fanfare....I was only looking forward to seeing Rick, which I knew in some way wasn't the healthiest thing to do mentally, but I couldn't help it. I would make the first trip....and instead of going to U of M, I met him in Wisconsin. We spent the weekend together and again we had to depart each others company. The next time I saw him, he came down to Purdue for homecoming, we just happen to play against U of M that weekend, and again we laughed and talked for what seemed like to short of time before we departed each others company. After the homecoming game, I saw him a month later. This time he flew me to U of M for my birthday. We spent four days together. I remember when he took me to the airport; I physically couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there crying, telling him that I didn't want to be without him anymore, that I needed him. He in return, started crying also and just held me. We sat in the airport-parking garage for an hour, holding one another. After I got back to Purdue I called him and told him that I no longer could do the one-month visits, I needed to see him more. In what I still didn't expect to this day, he asked me if he could move to Purdue for my last semester of school. I still don't remember quite exactly what happened, I think I might have passed out or just been so happy that I completely forget everything in that moment. I do remember saying yes and immediately going to look at apartments the next day.

The next time I saw Rick it was New Years Eve and he was picking me up from the Indy airport. I just got back from a trip in Texas and we planned to stay in Indy that night, and move into our place the next day. I still couldn't believe it. What I thought would never happen again.... me living with him...was happening all over. This time I was determined to not let things just end on a whim, if anything I wanted this to last, but to my dismay it didn't. We lived together that entire semester. I don't think that I've ever been happier in my life. Rick and I both gotten jobs at the same place, and there was even talk about what we would do after school; Rick really wanted to do the Peace Corps, he even signed up, which I encouraged. Everything was going good and then it happened. Sometime in March, I awoke one morning to Rick screaming and crying. I of course had no idea what was going on, but I would soon find out that his brother had committed suicide. Within three days of finding out Rick had packed everything he had and once again, I was left alone and crying.....

Glory "days"

2005-08-05T11:10:00.000-04:00

So I have to write about this, because I feel like it's too funny not to.

In school I joined a fraternity....proud member of Sigma Nu......anywho, the house had cold air and warm air sleeping rooms. In each room there were a ton of beds bunked together and on any given night you could either hear or see someone having sex. Not always the best way to sleep, with someone above you hitting skins like it was going out of style, but somehow you find a way to get over it and go to sleep. Now, I did this for three years and thought that part of my life would be over after I moved from the house my second semester Sr. year. Not the case at all......
So right now I'm staying with one of my besties, cause I my lease ended and I haven't found a place just yet. Whateve.....he lives in a studio apt. with a pull-out, so it works. Well last nite after I got off of work at 2:30am, I walk home ready to rest my weary eyes and get a good 5hrs. of sleep. Nope.......as I put the key into the door, something inside of me tells me to turn the key slowly just incase my roommie has someone else in there with him. I'm thinking that as soon as I turn the key, if someone is in there with him, he will jump up and come to the door and tell me to take a walk for a bit. Didn't happen. I turn the key rather slowly, but hear nothing, so I think that I'm good. As soon open the door I see a pair of huge feet and a baldhead staring at me. And in that moment I realize that there are three people in the apartment, including me.
My first reaction is to run out of the apartment and pretend as though I have no idea what I just saw. Then as I stand there, like a deer caught in headlights, I tell myself to go to the bathroom and change clothes and leave. I do this in what was probably less then 3min, but seemed like an eternity. As I creep out of the bathroom I hear talking and I realize that all three of us are up. I quickly come out of the bathroom and hunt for my keys and money....where am I going? Who knows, but I do know that I can't stay there, in the studio apt, with my bestie and a man who I think I know. I find my keys and $20 and leave as quickly as I had come in.
As I walking out of the building I hear a door slam and feet running; it's my roommate. He is telling me how he is sorry and that I don't have to leave, but I'm convinced that it's the best thing to do. So I walk out of the apt building and hit the streets. I don't really have any idea where I should go. By this time, it's about 2:40am and a couple of clubs are open, so I tell myself that I will venture down to them to see if it's worth it. All the while, never really thinking that at some point I have to come back to the 2+1 situation. I wonder down to one club and I decide that it's not worth it to go in, so I wander a little bit longer. Around, 3:15am I've decided that I can no longer wander the streets, so I muster up all the courage and tell myself it's just going to be like the frat house; just close your eyes and fall asleep.
I call my roommie and tell him that I have to come home, because I don't have any other place to go, in a drunken state he tells me ok. I walk back into the apartment quickly change and close my eyes so tight that at one point I gave myself a headache. In the end I decided to put my ipod on and fall asleep...the whole time thinking about my frat and all those times that I did the same thing.

It's Time

2005-08-02T10:17:00.000-04:00

So I thought I would take a break from gay romance story...and talk about some other things going on in my life.
So I moved out of my old place last week. The only problem is that I don't have a place to live yet, so I'm kind of like the black Kato Kaelin. Right now, I'm staying with a friend of mine in his studio apartment on the pull out couch. In all honesty it's not a bad deal at all. Neither one of us are really at his place a lot, and when we are, we just go to bed. Sometimes we stay up a little late and have girl talk, like so many of us had when we were at summer camp, it's good. But, as much as I love staying in a studio apartment with one of my besties, I have to find a place on my own. I have def. figured out that trying to find a place in any city, means taking that responsibility on as a full-time job. Who has time to look in all the papers, go online, make appointments, and go see places. Not me, I barely have time to scratch my ass.....seriously, it's a full-time job. So, the plan is to save up some money and try to be gone way before the end of Aug. If anything, maybe I will move to another friends place if I don't find somewhere soon enough. Many have offered, so why not.
Other then that, I recently started a new job. At first I was not going to write about it, but then I figured why not, it's part of my life now. So I took a job as a barback(really floor/stock, but when I try to tell people that they just say "oh yeah, barback). It's at a bar that I'm known to hang out in on occasion. Overall, I took the job, because it would be a way to make decent money, while I try to find a way into my "dream" job.
Speaking of my "dream" job, I interviewed recently with a company and have not heard back from them. I really want this job, so I hope that I hear something this week. If anything, I would just like to know a yes or a no. A no would suck, but I would be able to move on.
The last new and exciting thing going on in the life of Nick, I joined a gym. Now, for those who don't know me, I'm not the most physically mastered person you could ever meet. I was somehow blessed with good genes, which means that I can eat what I want and still be skinny later. Although lately my body has decided that it may have reached it's peak with me and eating, hence why I weighed at one point 165, which is the most I have weighed my entire life. So ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to join a gym. Ok, ever since I graduated college, I have wanted to join a gym. But, when it came time to do it, I would always come up with some lame ass excuse. Either I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, or I just didn't know what gym to join; whatever the reason, I didn't join one for three years. So on Sunday, I told myself that with some of the new cash from the bar, I would join a gym. So I decided on one that was somewhat close by no matter where I choose to live and decided to go in for a free one-week trial. Surprisingly enough, when I got to the gym, they had a special going on that was in its last day; no enrollment fee and $51/month. While taking the tour of the gym, I thought about all the excuses that I would use, so before saying yes to the one-week trial, I threw all the excuses out the window and joined the gym with no one-week trial period. In return, I got a 15day trial period and a nifty key chain that makes it official; I belong to a gym.

Get out of my head Pt. II

2005-08-01T14:52:00.001-04:00

…I have to tell you that I don't think that I've ever torn off my clothes faster then that night. We had amazing sex that night. As I rolled over that morning a sinking feeling was in the pit of my stomach, what had I done last night? I didn't want to open my eyes for the longest time, but I told myself that I had to; I just needed to know if he was still there, or had it all been some crazy ass dream. In the end, I opened my eyes to find him still asleep in my arms, both of us still naked. After we got up, nothing had changed; there were no weird looks, or awkward moments of silence or stares. Instead the day went on very normal. We both ran errands that day, and passed each other going and coming. The whole day I kept telling myself not to think too much about it, just let it happen, don't force anything. But, I broke down and decided to stay up that night to talk to him once he came home. I couldn't act as though nothing had happened; I just had great sex, with a guy who I had a crush on for 4 months now. I had to break the silence that was going on in my head. When he finally got home, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. If you are ever in Budapest, the travel channel turns into porn from 2am-5am, hot. Anyway......I wasn't watching porn when he came on, instead, CNN was on. I acted as though I was very interested in what happened in some obscure place in the world, but really I wanted to tackle him at the door and start asking questions and making out. Instead I waited for him to get settled and eventually he came and joined me on the couch. I told him that I wasn't trying to force anything on him and if that was a one-time deal, I was sure as hell happy I could be there, but I understood if it didn't happen again, after all, he had a girlfriend. I told him about how I had wanted to make out with him the first time I saw him and how I had all these feelings for him. In return he told me that he also felt the same way, but he didn't know how to go about telling me. For a minute we didn't say anything for a while, instead we just looked at other. I didn't know what to do, let alone expect what was going to happen next. But, the next thing I know, we were embraced in a kiss that I probably won't ever forget. We kissed for a while, and we didn't stop there. Instead, we had sex again on the couch. We ended up sleeping in different beds that night, because the roommate was back from his trip and Rick didn't want him to know what was going on. This is how it went for a while, we would wait up for the roommate to go to sleep and then he would sneak into my bed and we would have sex (sometimes stealing condoms from said roommate), sometimes Rick would sleep in my bed, and sometimes he would kiss me goodnight and make his way back to his bed. I know that it sounds stupid that we were sneaking around our own place, but in the moment it was a feeling that I wouldn't take back. I was a kid again, and most of all I was happy, for the first time in a long time. Feelings grew as seasons changed; we spent more and more time together, outside of my bedroom, and in it. Eventually the roommate and everyone else in the program found out about Rick. Mostly because the roommate found out first, then felt like it was a secret that was killing him inside, because everyone was asking him. So Rick told everyone. In the end that was probably the best decision. Everyone knew that I was gay; I had no reason to hide it. And I guess they put two and two together about me and Rick spending so much time together. The program was coming to an end and by this time Rick and I spent almost every hour together. I was in love, and not afraid to tell anyone who would listen. There was something about Rick, we could just sit and talk about everything and nothing. Things between us just seemed so natural. Then came the last day. I was flying to Chicago, he to Minnesota. We decided to spend the entire day together. Even as I write this, I can see the entire day in front of me, as though it is permanently photographed in my mind. The day and the weather seemed to know that it was our last day and they both wanted it to be perfect. The sun was shining, with a nice breeze in front of it. We decided to go to all the places in Budapest that we wouldn't be able to visit once we were at home. We started by going to the mall, and then the bath (no not that kind, Budapest is known for their natural hot springs). At night, we went to our favorite pizza place and I knowing full well that we had to be up at the unGodly hour of 5am, wanted to go out to the place where it all began for us. He wasn’t that excited about going, he still had stuff to pack and he just wanted a quite night at home. But in the end, he gave in and we decided to go out. I brought a pair of leather pants with me to Budapest that I had not worn yet, saving them for a special occasion. I put them on and no sooner then I could say lets go, we started having sex again......in a word...." "(There are no words for how good it was). We made our way to the club, this time not getting lost. We stayed only for an hour, there was no one there, it was a Sunday night after all. Still just to please me, he waited a bit longer while I tried to take in every last moment that made my experience in Budapest on that I will never forget. We finally left and made our way back home. By the time we got home it was around 2am, I decided not to go to sleep, instead I just wanted to stay up and take it all in for one last time. He tried to stay up with me, talking about things, all the while fading in and out of sleep. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder. I in turn, stayed up and stared at him sleeping, crying all the while, wondering what turn mine or our life would take after we departed each other at the airport. At 5am I woke him up so that we could take our stuff downstairs to get onto a van headed for the airport. I thought that we would be able to steal a few last moments together on the van, be able to talk about us. It didn't happen. Instead we boarded an almost completely full van, which luckily had two empty seats next to each other. In those last moments, there was no talking; we just held each other's fingers, hoping that no one would catch us. We made it to the airport, after what seemed like a timeless journey. The entire time I just kept trying to fight back the tears that I knew were inevitable. His flight left an hour before mine and to our dismay we found out that we were at opposite ends of the airport. I waited for him to check his luggage; in return he did the same. But, because I got the dumbest airline worker ever, she took about 20mins to check my bag, by the time I got out of line he had to get going to his gate. They had already called his flight once. There was no long talks, longing glances, or even emotional stares, instead there was just a quick hug goodbye and a promise to call and write as soon as he got home. He turned and quickly took off for his gate. In that moment I didn’t know what to do, I went from being one of the happiest persons in the entire world to being one of the saddest. And like so many scene’s from stupid romance movies, I took off in his direction…. running, trying to catch up to him, just so I could tell him that I loved him. Instead, I only got to see the back of him as he went into his gate. And there I was, left in the airport, alone to wait for a plane. I cried for about an hour after he left, boarded the plane and still cried. I don't think that I stopped crying until I fell asleep..

Get out of my head

2005-07-27T11:50:00.000-04:00

I have to get this out of my head cause it is driving me crazy....It's about to be a bit lengthy...so settle in and just read it.

My Jr. year of college I decided to study abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Why did I go there, who knows, a lot of reasons,but....some things just were meant to happen. Anywho....I knew that studying abroad was going to be a time in my life when I would finally confront a lot of my own personal fears about where my life was going. Most importantly, I knew that I was going to confront the issue of being gay. I went over there with an open mind, knowing that for sometime I had these thoughts about being gay, but never really confronting them. I told myself, that this was going to be the chance to live the life that I thought I should have led a while ago.....
Once I arrived in Budapest a group of us made it to our dorm, where we would stay for the next couple of weeks while we were taking language classes. I happen to be on the same flight as one of the other guys that I was staying in a room with. Once we got into the room, we noticed a third bed was set-up and stuff was all around it, but no roommate. I then set-off by myself to see what was around the dorm and to make a couple of phone calls. I unknowingly took the only key to the room with me. When I returned to the room, there on the steps outside of the doorway was the best looking guy that I had ever seen. I stared for what seemed like hours into his eyes, not saying a word, just looking. Finally after snapping out of what felt like coma, I introduced myself and apologized for taking the key. He in return introduced himself, and we both made our way into our room. Over the next couple of days and weeks, I got to know him pretty well. We would talk about all kinds of things; why we were here, where we came from. Then one day, he told me about his girlfriend. At first I didn't know what to do, I just sat there with what I'm sure was the dumbest look on my face. In the same token, I never told him that I was gay, or what at the time was just an attraction towards guys, so why did I expect him to return the favor. From that moment on I told myself, that I would have to respect his boundaries and if he said he had a girlfriend, then he did not find guys attractive as I did. Fine, for the first day or two. But the more we hung out, the more I found myself always waiting to be around him; looking into his eyes, touch him (not even in a sexual manner), but I never did. Instead I found ways to keep myself busy, basically not hanging around him. Eventually I moved out of the dorm and into an amazing apartment with the other two guys that I stayed in the dorm with, him included. I told myself that as long as I stayed away from the apartment when he was there, I would be ok. I did just that by going out every nite. I eventually met someone at a bar and we began seeing each other. I was in the clear as far as my feelings for this guy, who I've decided I will call Rick, cause referring to him by "him" is not working. So I started dating this guy that lived in Budapest and therefore I spent less time around Rick. It was all working out, or so I thought.
Because, Rick and I were in the same study abroad program, we always saw each other in class and on trips. I couldn't get away and neither could my feelings for him. It had been three months since I met him on those steps, unable to speak, only stare. I still liked this guy, why?? I had never tried to make a move on him or anything. If anything we jokingly played around...pushing each other or saying stupid shit to one another, but never once did I try to kiss him or hold his hand. Finally, spring break came, and I decided that I needed time away from all of my feelings, Rick, and the boy I had just broken up with. I decided that I would take a week long trip by myself across nothern Italy and end in the southern coast of France. All in all it was good. Met some really amazing people, saw some great things, and best of all I got all of those feeling out of my head and dealt with, so I thought.
When I arrived back in Budapest, I came home to find Rick there with friends that were preparing to leave. I unpacked my bags and Rick took his friends to the train station. Our other roommate decided to leave the city for spring break, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the following week, therefore it was only Rick and I in the apartment. We decided to get something to eat...which in Budapest means that you decided to get appetizers and drink the rest of your dinner. After what seemed like hours of beers and conversation we made our way back to our apartment, I then started to talk about how I really wanted to go out seeing as though there were no classes the next day. To my surprise he said that he would like to come along if it was ok with me. Here it was, the moment I was waiting for, a chance to be with him and in of all places a gay bar. I told myself, that I wouldn't try anything, not unless he initiated it. We continued to drink until we got ready to go out, which in retrospect, was probably not the best idea. We eventually made our way to the club and started drinking. At first I felt very uncomfortable with him in this bar. I had been there many of times, but never with him. I was worried that he was going to get hit on, and then would want to leave, after all he had a girlfriend. But, by the end of the night, we were having a great time, talking and drinking. I finally summoned up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go dance....he said yes, with little hesitation. As soon as we get to the dance floor everything disappears; no music, no other people, just us. After dancing for what seemed like some time, something happened, we looked at each other as though we just realized that we were both there and we kissed. I don't remember who kissed who, I just know that we kissed and I remember it lasting for sometime. Neither one of us backed down or pulled away....it was as though it was meant to be. After kissing for a while, we decided to leave the club........I'll write this story in parts.......you'll just have to wait.

Riding a bike

2005-07-26T16:29:00.000-04:00

So at first I didn't think that I was going to write about this...but then I figured why not, it might help someone...

So last week I was really upset with one of my friends for doing something that I felt was one of the lowest things one person can do to another that they call "friend". To make a long story short, he basically slept with someone that I've had a crush on, a known crush at that, for a while. At first I didn't know what to do or say. I almost felt like that Dave Chappelle skit...."when keeping it real goes wrong", I kept telling myself, to just calm down and don't over-react, but keep it real. I knew the best thing to do was to let everything settle down for a second and to think about what I really wanted to say and do. After talking it over with a couple of friends, it was decided that the best thing to do was to e-mail him all of my thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Which I felt was good, because I had already decided that I couldn't talk to him face to face, cause I was really upset at the time. In the end I wrote him an e-mail and told him how I felt about the situation and that I thought it best if we didn't talk for a few days. He replied to my e-mail, an apology for hurting me, and we didn't talk for a couple of days. While not talking to him, I thought about how much I missed our conversations....and what our friendship really meant to me. Without him, I probably would be a totally different person, not living where I currently do, and not enjoying life as much. I know, a lot for one friendship. But, I met him at a point in my life were I didn't have any clue on what or where to go or do. It was through our friendship that I answered a lot of those questions. Last Thursday came around and we finally met for drinks and some conversations, and the first thing we did was hug.....it felt good, like riding a bike.....you never forget. In the end I decided that some boy was not worth a friendship that changed my life. Instead, I decided to pick myself up, dust off my feelings and get on that bike again. THANKS...

favorite song.....

2005-07-26T16:28:00.000-04:00

Afternoon Delight.....get it....

the newest thing

2005-07-26T16:25:00.000-04:00

I recently, thanks to the tempjob that I have, found Yahoo, IM......it is by far one of the most time comsuming, fun times that I've ever had while doing nothing. You can play games with people, create a person that looks like you that others can see when talking, and a host of other things. It is amazing....you should check it out......I think you can just go to their site and download it...

The goings On

2005-07-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

So I know that I haven't posted in a while, things have been a little crazy this past week so I had to take a break from something. This way all the crazy thoughts just got stored and now they are ready to come out.

I have somewhat moved from my former address....which in retrospect I'm really going to miss. It was a bit out of the way from the things that I normally do in my life, but I loved it cause it was a house. I have so many friends here and in other cities that live in apartments the size of what use to be my bathroom. It was nice, two bedroom, two bath, two levels......a lot of two's. But it had so much space. I really liked it. But trying to bring tricks and or anyone else back was a bit of a challenge. So I decided to let the lease end without renewing it, in hopes of finding a place closer and more convenient to the things that I do. So we'll see, no luck as of yet, but moving and trying to find a job, has proved to be a bit of a larger task then I first thought.
Speaking of a job, I'm still in the same position as last time I wrote. I still temp at this one place, for whatever reason. I guess cause it's easy money. I really don't do much. When I am given a task to do, I do it a lot faster then most people who have probably had this job, so my boss' look at me like I'm crazy when they pass by....oh well. I have finally gotten another job, which I don't know if I'm going to write about. I might.....that will take some thought on my part. I'm sure that I will have no choice but to write about it. We'll see...if anything it should be good, cause I will have the chance to make some extra money. So.....

Other then that, not much else is going on, I have this new plan in my head to start taking better care of myself. We'll see how that goes. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm going to start eating better, working out, and not drink as much, then something crazy happens ......i.e., quit my job or some stupid boy, then I say "fuck it" and forget about taking care of myself. Just lately I've been really unhappy with my body. It's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything, but after I graduated from high school my body was so much better....I hate getting older. So I've decided that I'm going to join a gym next week....would this week, but I'm still in the process of moving and I really don't have time. Next week should be a lot more calmer...we'll see

Anew

2005-07-13T09:22:00.000-04:00

So,
Yesterday I have to say was one of the worst days in my life in the past 5months. With the whole job thing kind of falling through, I just got to thinking that maybe I made the mistake.....maybe this time it was my fault and not someone else's. So, I tried my first crack at being an alcoholic. Overall, not fun. I don't see how people do it. I mean I probably had 5 beers and two shots and after it was all said and done I just felt like shit. Don't think I will be doing that again. I even met my friends out and even they couldn't cheer me up (which means that something was def. wrong) So I grabbed a cab with Bernie and headed home around 10pm. Once I departed Bernie, I started to walk home and turned on my Shuffle; the first song that came on was D-child's "Happy Face".....I remember before I left for college, my mom, sister, and I were in the car going somewhere and this song came on. My sister immediately turned up the radio and her and my mom started to jam out to the song....if you don't know it here are some lyrics;

I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face......

Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile

Here I was in the back of my mom's Accord looking at two grown women singing as though they came up with the lyrics. After the song ended I asked my mom how she knew the words ( my sister is a huge Dchild's fan) My mom told me that she heard my sister listening to the song one day and really connected to the words, she was having a bad day. So she went on to tell me that whenever she is having a down day, or things aren't going her way she listens to the song and comes out feeling like a totally different person. I just sat there and thought....."is this my mom".

The next song after "happy face" was one of my favorites..."You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Now, if you don't know this song, I will forgive you this one time. Here are some lyrics....

I went down to the chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with mr. jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to mr. jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was dead
I said to him....

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need

This song I had heard a long time ago, but when I went to school it was a favorite of my fraternity’s. The words always make me thing that sometimes no matter what you do, something’s don't work out. And, in the end that's ok.....because they will at some point as long as you keep trying.

Hearing these two songs put my whole shitty day into perspective. Did I do the right thing in quitting my job, hell yeah. Is it going to be hard getting a new one, hell yeah. But, as long as I don't give up, keep trying, and keep a smile on my face with my chin up, everything will be ok.

Thank God for Destiny's Child and the Rolling Stones

Update

2005-07-12T11:34:00.000-04:00

So......here is where I am.
The job that was offered to me has been pushed back until mid-august. Because I am contracted thru a staffing company, the current company I am at does not want to buy me out of my contract, therefore if they wait until mid-august they won't have to. So the short story is that I will continue working at my current job until mid-august. When that time comes, if they still want me they will offer me the position. So.....basically I'm still without a job. Life sucks...on top of that I'm feeling very shitty today and just want to go back to bed. Oh well.....

How do I know

2005-07-07T13:02:00.000-04:00

Every time I think of this phrase I hear little Whitney in my head......"How do I know..." then put my own words into the following chorus and verses'. Fun I know.. Well know I'm asking myself "how do I know what to do next." Here's the story....I have been temping at this place for some time now. I think that I've been here since the middle of may and now it's almost the middle of July. Go figure....anywho. Now, the place that I'm temping at wants me to work here full time. And, of course I don't know what to do. It's not like I do anything super hard here. I do admin stuff, which is actually pretty nice. My boss is great. Never really on my back about stuff, plus I kind of get things done when I want. There are two things wrong with the job though; 1. It's not very hard, the work that is. 2. It's not really what I want to do. But as soon as I list reason #2 I think to myself, what else am I going to do. I've been unemployed for damn near 5 months and I'm so tired of it. I want benefits, a place that I can call work, instead of picking up my checks every week in a different place. I hate it. But, I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I'm still looking for a job in recruiting, but to no avail I've found nothing. All the places that I've interviewed with are like, you just don't have enough experience. So I'm like, maybe I should get back into buying. I know that I can do it, it just has to be at the right place. So I've still been interviewing for a couple of buying jobs, but nothing there either. So I guess the question is, do I go for the for sure thing, by the way nothing is for sure or do I keep climbing a hill that doesn't seem to have an end to it and keep looking for a job in something that I want??? For right now, it's going to remain a question......

Memories...

2005-07-01T13:42:00.000-04:00

I love the song "memories" from the movie "the way we were".......but somehow, not one of the memories from San Fran are water-colored, instead they are all live and in color in my head and I can't help but to laugh every time I think about my short time out there for pride. So, like some of my buddies here are my Top Ten reasons to go to San Francisco Pride, but of course these things will only happen when you bring us along....

10. A placed called "Daddy's" is always fun after you have been at a BOGO happy hour for two hours

9. The Golden gate bridge is always an amazing backdrop for all sorts of pic

8. BOGO drink specials can never be passed up

7. Nothing says gay like a "Pink Party", where there isn't so much pink, but a whole lot of Party.

6. Waking up at 11pm to go party until 6am is always a good idea

5. Walking tours of San Francisco are offered at 6am on parade mornings

4. You may get to see Deborah Cox in the same outfit

3. Tinker Tank Tinker Tank

2. Only in a City miles away from where you live will you run into a grown man that denies being at a bar you go to every week

1. Nothing makes you slide across a floor further then linoleum tile

I need a VA-CA

2005-06-28T16:19:00.000-04:00

So pride season is over for another year.....no more parties, no more opening and closing parties, just memories now. So many that I'm too tired to write about them. I will fill you in on all of what San Fran had to offer in a little bit. I'll just tell you this, we went to a club that opens on Friday nite at 10pm and doesn't close until Sunday at 8pm.....trust, you'll love the stories.

BreakDowns

2005-06-22T14:28:00.000-04:00

Today while running some errands with Chaz, this woman in the bank was having a complete breakdown, in the middle of the bank. I kept telling Chaz how someone should go over there and slap her back into reality. I told him how women, especially women, should not have break downs in public. A lady, does not cry or show emotions in public, instead she will wait until she is in the privacy of her own bedroom, and only then cry if it's necessary. As much as I was joking at the time, I was being kind of serious. Think about it, if someone was there to slap Mariah a little sooner, we wouldn't have had to sit thru "Charm Bracelet" and "Glitter". Instead she had a break down in public and did all that stupid shit. Finally someone walked in her room and slapped that bitch back into reality. Now, we have the "Emancipation of MiMi", which is among one of her best albums, yet. Whitney is the same way. If someone would have slapped her back to reality when she met Bobby Brown, she would have never gotten married to that crack head. There would have been no crack sweats on national TV or during concerts and/or award shows. It seems with her, that someone is there trying to slap her just a little bit,maybe afraid to hurt her or her voice, but I just don't think that they are doing it hard enough. The bitch needs a good ol'e Black mama slap. You know the kind you got when you rolled your eyes or accidentally said "shit" or "fuck" to your mom. And, she back-handed the shit out of you. That's what Whitney needs, anyone up for slapping that bitch??

Words and their power

2005-06-22T14:15:00.000-04:00

So if I have learned one thing from having the blog for a couple of months, it's that people take every word of it for real. Sometimes, the way that people tell me that they read my blog, you would think that God himself had taken time out of his day to right this thing. If you know me, like most people who read this blog, I'm not a very serious person, most of the time. There are somethings that I discuss on here that point no fingers and get right to the point. They are serious in tone and manner. But, the majority of the stuff written on here is stupid stuff that goes on in my life. Some of the details are exaggerated, some or not. Sometimes it's just a case of you having to have been there to get how stupid and "out of hand" me and my friends can get. Let's not forget, that I write as it comes out of my head, not everything gets the double check or even edited for that matter. So if I say anything that offends you, gets under your skin, or you feel as though you are being attacked in general, please drop me an e-mail, come talk to me, before you assume anything. Because, as my tells me to this day....."When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME......

I can't even

2005-06-22T11:05:00.000-04:00

I can not handle today......
Tomorrow I leave for San Francisco, for Gay Pride and I can not wait. I went last year and had an amazing time. The parties, the boys, the scene, it was all such a great time, especially for a boy from St. Louis.
Growing up I always watched on the news the Gay Pride events that happened across the country; from New York to San Francisco. Of course, my mother would be in the background saying how silly all those people looked with their rainbow flags and or leather chaps. But, something in me always told me that I would be one of those people one day, holding that rainbow flag and a big ole smile on my face.
The first time I went to a gay bar I was living in Budapest, Hungary. I had always heard about them; the bouncing music, the boys with no shirts, and of course the drugs. Somehow I didn't believe any of this. I had pictured in my mind instead that the media had placed all these images in people's minds to get them turned off about gay culture in general. Boy was I wrong. The first club I went to was called Angel. It is one of Budapest oldest gay bars, so old that it's actually under ground. It was built that way, because when Hungary was a communist state, it wasn't really that cool to be gay nor seen in a gay bar. So they built the club with an upstairs part that was just a bar and a showroom for drag show and/or other performances. This way if they ever got busted by the cops, they could just pretend that it was a normal club. The dance floor on the other hand is underground. You actually can see the hole that was dug to build the dance floor. It smells as though you have just dug a million miles below the earth and at the end there is this great dance floor. I walk in there for the first time with a kid that I really didn't know that well from my study abroad program and this other girl. She was such a faghag, but I love her. He on the other hand was a dick....We would later fuck around once and after that I/he lost interest in the whole thing after I got my first "boyfriend". Anywho....side note....
The club smelled of men. It's an odor that can't really be described....kind of a mixture of must, sweat, and a bunch of different colognes. Either way the smell is intoxicating, for me anyway. As I make my way through the club, I notice that people are staring at me a little more then what I'm use to, then I notice that I'm the only black guy in the place. For me this is nothing strange and/or unusual. I don't really ever pay attention to things like this, but this time it was different, it was if I was a lost treasure or maybe an oddity. Either way I decided not to let it bother me and to just enjoy myself, after all it was my first gay bar. The guy I cam in with bought me a drink and we made our way thru the club. I wanted to stop and look/notice every little thing; the people, the drag queens, the music, I wanted to take it all in. After sitting upstairs for a while, we decided to make our way to the dance floor. In order to get there we had to go down what looked like a mine shaft, complete with jagged rocks from the wall while you descended the stairs. We made our way down there and I thought I had found heaven. The music was blasting, everyone had a drink in their hand, and almost every guy down there had their shirt off. It was everything that it was made out to be. I couldn't help myself, I don't know whether it was the alcohol that was running through my system or the fact that my body was experiencing pure joy, but I hit that dance floor so hard that I immediately started to sweat. After dancing for what seemed like hours, I decided to take a break and look for the people that I had come with, they had long left me to enjoy my self, by myself. I found them upstairs sitting down enjoying a drink and talking about all things politics. As soon as I heard President Bush's name I decided that I was not going to let my night end like this. I picked up my drink and marched right back to the dance floor. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I was now dancing with an older gentleman who had his shirt off and nothing but muscles underneath. After persuading me that I had a nice body, I took my shirt off also and felt as though I had just sighed the biggest sigh ever. The next time I looked at my watch it was well after 3am and I thought that I better find my friends. I went back upstairs and frantically searched for them, but to no end they were not to be found. I made my way to the corner of the bar and called the guy who came with me. He informed me that after they saw me sweating with this older guy with no shirt on, they were sure that I didn't need them anymore and it would be best if they left. Needless to say I was pissed and a little scared.
As much as I had enjoyed myself, being there in the moment. I was brought back to reality very quickly...I no longer heard the music or saw the boys, instead now I was thinking about how I was going to get home. I decided to take a seat and figure out a plan. I didn't exactly remember how we got to this club in a dark alley, but I knew that we hadn't spent that much time in the cab from my place. So I knew I was somewhat close enough to walk and or take a cab. As I was formulating a plan, the guy I had been dancing with had joined me at the table. I didn't even notice that he had sat down. When I finally noticed him, he had the biggest smile on his face. Now, I know what your saying..."hello stupid, this man is trying to take you home and get some booty." But somehow I felt different about him. Even though this was my first time in a Gay Bar, it was not my first time with a man. I decided that I had nothing else better to do, so why not talk to him for a minute. After talking for an hour, I found out that he was actually a principal at a local middle school and that he was an olympic bodybuilder. So of course I was intrigued now. We talked a little while longer and I noticed that it was not a quater to five. I knew that it was time for me to go home. As I got ready to tell Stephen ( that would be the name of over half the men in Budapest) I was heading home, he asked if I would like a ride home. Now, again, I know what you are saying...."why are you going to get in this man's car, you don't even know him, and you are not even in America. Who knows where he would take you and leave you." But of course I had watched Oprah a lot before I left for Hungary, and I remembered a show where she talked about being safe when you meet people for the first time. So I text my roommate the name of this guy and his number and also that he was taking me home. Once we made our way to his car, we talked some more and in the end I woke up next to him at his place.
Everything that I had heard about gay clubs, read about them all seemed true when I woke up that morning. Me and Stephen talked some more that morning before he took me home, and in the end we actually dated for four months. So as I get ready to go to Gay clubs and bars again, I will have that feeling; that excitement, wanting to take everything in, notice everything...and who knows, maybe even wakeup next to someone.

the weekend that was

2005-06-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

This past weekend had all the intent of being one that would not "get out of hand." But like many things, it didn't happen. Thurs. my friend Chuck's mom was in town. I have to say that I am a lover of mom's. If your mom is cool and loves to laugh, we will be best friends. So needless to say, Chuck's mom loves to laugh. So Bernie and myself met Chuck and his mom at this breeder bar. Something told us that as much as we love Jr's, it probably wasn't the place to takes ones mom. In the end, it was a really good time. We drank our faces off. For some reason, Bernie thought it would be a good idea to start the night with Jack and Coke, little did he know that our night would end with us having drank about 5 or 6 of them. The whole time there, Chuck's mom was telling stories and drinking. It was great to see his mom, be herself in front of two people that she only met once. By the end of the night we were all shitfaced and ready to leave the bar. At one point we thought about sleeping in the bar, but then decided against it. After leaving the breeder bar, Bernie and I thought it would be a good idea to head to Jr's, for what I don't know, but needless to say we got there just in time to take the free 12 o'clock shot. To bad we didn't take it, probably because we were already pretty drunk.

Friday, saw us start the night at Lauriol Plaza. Now as I have written before, you are always in for a good time when you start you evening there. I met Bernie there for a drink or two, which in turn turned into three pitchers. Luckily, Chuck and Chris showed up. On second thought I don't think it was that lucky, cause we still ended up pretty wasted. After leaving Lauriol, Bernie and myself needed to go home and change for the evening. Of course we could not end the night here like any sane person would have. Since I don't have a car anymore.....that is another story, not really just got rid of the bootlegg...anyway, Bernie thought it would be a good idea to walk home. Now, the problem is not so much the walking, the walk itself is not long at all about 20-25 walk. The problem comes when are intoxicated and unable to walk. So after screaming at Bernie for trying to make me walk, we hoped in a cab and hoped right back in on after changing. We made our way back to Jr's, I can't really tell you much of what happened, cause I don't remember it. I know that Chris couldn't keep his eyes open and instead used a man he didn't know as a pole that he could make out with....that's all I'll say. The night ended, with little fanfare, I honestly don't remember.

Sat, Bernie and I decided that we would make something out of ourselves, since the past couple of days had been spent drinking. We walked from Bernie's to the Zoo, headed out with manurse's that had apples and water. Don't know how long of a walk is, but I know that in all we walked for about four hours when it was said and done. I had never been to the zoo before in DC, so it was a good time. We saw some kind of rodent do a move that many of my friends are familiar with. After much running around and sniffing of her partners butt, she arched her back perfectly in the air and allowed him to do his business (that line is from color purple, if you haven't seen the movie, may God have mercy on your soul.) It was a good way to end our trip to the zoo. After the Zoo, Bernie and I walked to get something to eat, organic Chinese food, it was treat your body right day after all. Then, we walked to the circle and meet up with Chuck and his mom. It's been a while since I've seen a parent with a hangover, I think it was homecoming last year, but needless to say, she and chuck were both fun to talk to. After the circle went to see "Batman Begins"......really good movie, a lot better then I thought it was going to be. I love Christian Bale and now want to have his kids. After the movie, made our way back to Jr's and then went home. All in all a good day, not being drunk and all

Sunday, I decided that I would spend some time with self. Caught up on some reading and watched some good looking men pass by. Meet some friends and ended up but where else, JR's.

I have to say all in all this weekend belonged to JR's....I'll miss it when I leave for San Fran on Thurs, so maybe it was suppose to be that this weekend was devoted to Jr's and all it's craziness. God bless it...

Time to let go...

2005-06-13T10:14:00.000-04:00

Have you ever come to a point in your life, when you say to yourself "it's time to let go and move on". I am the type of person who hates to give up on things....be it people, jobs, relationships, and/or life in general. I will hold on to the very last minute. Be the last person standing. And for what reason, so I can say that I tried, that I didn't give up. So I can be right. Too many times, I've been burned, hurt, by holding on...not wanting to let go. But, it's time to now.....it's time for me to stand up and do my best Miss America wave and bow out graciously. I've tried and tried and to no end, nothing. Just me at the end of the day/nite, always alone, always holding on. Not anymore...

Pride and Proud

2005-06-13T09:14:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was Capitol Pride. I love Pride week so much, because you get to see so many people that don't usually come out to the bars and/or streets. Me and the girls actually started our Pride week on Tues (see blog) so when friday came around of course we were ready to go. We decided to start at Chucks place with a couple of drinks before we hit the streets. Then it was off to Cobalt. Not going to lie, we gave it to the fans hard and then some. Some had religious experiences, "Get Up", I live for it. Others had some other kinds of experiences, he had a boyfriend and that's all I'll say. So needless to say Friday really kicked things off the right way.
After a slow start on Sat. morning.....some watched porn, while others tried to re-tell stories....we decided to hit the streets and do a little shopping before the parade. Side note....I'm a little disappointed with this summer's fashion assortment for men. Everywhere you go; H&M, Gap, Snatchercrombie, Express, everywhere.....just disappointment all around. Anywho....after the shopping or lack there of, we decided it best to rest up a little and wait for the storm that was about to hit a little place called Velvet Nation, and by rest up I mean drink a lot (don't drink 151 and then go out into the sun, not a good idea). We made our way down to the parade and like last year only saw a tad bit, before deciding to go into JR's and watch or not watch from there. After some drinking, watching naked boys pass by on floats, and some touching of strangers, we went home to regroup for the rest of the nite. Now, for those of you who know me, I love going to Nation when there is a good DJ and of course I always have a good time, "always". But, this time around me and the girls were forced into a situation that is very unfamiliar to us, being "sober" at Velvet. Please, don't think we didn't try, cause some would say that we were on a such a mission that we could've worked for the CIA, but that is neither here nor there. I have to say all in all, it was probably one the best times I have ever had at that place, besides when Tom Stephan was there.....a DJ saved my life that nite. We burned a hole in that damn dance floor and it probably will not be the same for some time. Side note #2.....dear Chris Cox, you are a very good DJ, I like you. But, if you ever try to pull that guitar shit again at a gay establishment, I will not only come on stage and beat you to death with it, I will also ask for my money back. Anywho....the nite ended around 5am and it was time for some rest before our final performance on Sunday.
When I woke up on Sunday my body ached, as though I had just got out of plastic surgery. I thought that Sunday would be a day that would just go by kind of slow, maybe some sitting in the Circle, catching up on last nite and then a little later going down to the festival, and ending it with Jr's.....oh not,not the way it went at all, not with the bitches I know. I got a call from Bernie telling me that we were going to meet some friends at brunch. I don't know if I've ever talked about brunch, but we go to this place called the Beacon. It's amazing, the food, the service, and on top of all that it's all you can eat and DRINK for $17.95. When you start your day with an all you can drink brunch, you are bound to be in for all kinds of SHENANIGANS from; who can give the best head, to talk of eating ass.....it was all there and it was all fabulous and amazing. After brunch we hit up Universal Queer for some eye protection. Afterwards, we hit the Pride Festival just in time to hear our girl Deborah Cox. Girlfriend was looking fierce and her voice was amazing....I live for her and can't wait to see her again in two weeks in San Fran. After staying in the heat for as long as we could, some of us sweat way too much for our own good....damn Thermoboost.....it was time to hit up our usual Sunday nite spot, Jr's. With $2 vodka drinks flowing and good friends all around, I decided to call it a nite around 9pm.
This morning I got to thinking and laughing about this past weekend and all that went on. In the end I realized that Pride is so much more then just some great parties and a parade, it's about friends. Without them, there would be nothing to be Proud of....

A new summer

2005-06-09T14:31:00.000-04:00

So yesterday while I was at home I decided to get caught up with my good friend TIVO.....I love him. I started with a show called "Blow Out".....now for those who don't know this show was on about a year ago and then it followed hair stylist Jonathan Antin and the troubles of opening a new salon in Beverley Hills. Fabulous.....it was drama, it was hair, it was fabulous. So this season is about Jonathan designing a new hair care product line. I have to say that I wasn't that happy with the first show. I wanted more. More drama, more hair, but instead I got Jonathan and that was about it. He was so into himself the entire show that I actually got turned off a little bit. Then, he showed up, Alyn. A fellow hair designer that works in Jonathans Beverly Hills salon. He also owns his own salon in Chicago, where supposedly he is big stuff. He is so cute and dreamy that I have found my reason to keeping watching the show.
Next, Queer as Folk. I kind of had a fall out with this show around season 3 and or 4. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped watching it. The characters, the plots, all of it just became too much. But seeing as this is the last season of the show, I figured, I was there in the beginning so I'll be there in the end. I will never forget when the show first aired. I was at home doing a break or something from college and I hadn't come out yet. So I would stay up late to catch the rerun at 12 o'clock and I would turn the volume down really low, as to not wake anyone, all the while praying that my mom didn't walk in on me watching the show. My finger always on the channel button, just in case. To be young again. Anywho....side note. The show is so good this season. I miss all the gay sex, and the drama that comes along with it. The characters seem to have come a long way since the days of not having a comic book and or working at some crazy ad agency. Also, please note Pittsburgh is in no way like that. After living there for almost a year, trust I never saw any of the boys like the ones on the show.
So next, Sports Kids Mom's and Dad's......no in a previous blog I talked about my love for Show Dogs Mom's and Dad's....same concept here, but instead of acting all crazy with animals this time it's kids. The show is so good already. You have a 5 kids that are basically living these crazy lives, all because their parents didn't make their dream of becoming the next big sports thing. My fav so far are the cheerleader’s mom, her daughter is 8 and her mom is crazy. Then there is the figure skater's mom, her son in 16 and she is nuts. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after a great new show, I settled in for Queer Eye. This show is so good, and especially after so many episodes. You would think that after so many make-overs it would all get old. Not so, somehow they figure out a way to bring a tear to my eye and a laugh out of my mouth.
All in all, Bravo deserves a standing O.....thank you for choosing to show new stuff in a summer that is filled with repeats of shows past. I loved the OC the first time around, I'll pass on a second helping.

Pride is in the air

2005-06-09T11:20:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I was not in any kind of mood or ability to be at work....a bit hungover I have to say.
It all started on Tues. nite when I met a friend out for a couple of after-work drinks at the awesome Mexican restaurant, Lauriol Plaza. If you have not been I suggest you get right real quick and check it out. The food is ok, but the drinks are to kill for. They probably have one of the best frozen margaritas that I have ever had. Anywho....we can talk later about these matters. So after a half-pitcher and a bowl of chips and salsa I parted ways with my friend and was on my way home to watch some TV....that will have to be another blog cause Bravo is not holding back this summer bitches......As I stated to walk I thought I should call Chuck to see what he was doing. I actually felt guilty for not calling him earlier b/c he lives across the street from where the drinking of said fabulous margaritas took place...anywhosit....I decided to meet up with Chuck on the street to catch up, but as things tend to happen we were walking past Jr's and as fate would have it stepped in to see what was going on. Bad idea..... I was pretty drunk by the time I met up with Chuck, that damn Jose, so drinking more was probably not the smartest thing. So after a couple of drinks and some SPS....check out the link, we left there only to return again after finding the scene at Halo a bit of a downer. Now any decent person would have told me to stop drinking and take my ass home, not Chuck, that bitch, like me loves chaos and mischief, so we had a couple more and decided that it was time to go.
By now the fire is already going pretty strong and one knows how hard it is to put a forest fire out after it's been going for a while, so I called Nard up and decided to pick him up and head back out. We met up with some friends from B'more and Chuck again, of course, and headed to a place that I had never been before, Windows aka DIK bar. Now our friends from B'more are a little crazy, one in particular, Jamie. Everytime I'm around him I get drunk without fail. I love him to death, but my body can not handle him. So after being there for a while, and of course I was wicked drunk by now, a couple of Jamie drinks in me only produced one thing....the crazies. I don't even remember getting wasted....it was like ooooo I'm a little drunk to oh my god I am pass out drunk right now. So anywho, after a couple more drinks, some karoke, not me...others, and a drag queen feeling me up as though I was going out of style, we left the bar, well some of us, not me. I stayed behind to talk with a man that I remember having braces and no lisp....weird I know. After discussing who know's what....I left DIK bar to meet up with the ladies at Cobalt. That's were things get a little fuzzy......I remember going into said club and I remember leaving said club, it's the middle that is neither here nor there.
Anywho, I woke up the next moring to find myself dressed head to toe in full gear and at 11am. I'm a mess, I know.

You think that I would have had enough on Tues., but oh no....not this queen. Yesterday, after doing a bunch of stuff around the house, mostly getting caught up with TIVO, I found out that a certain someone was headed back down from B'more to give the fans a little more. So last nite me, Nard, and Chaz went to Jr's for a couple of drinks and then over to Chaos for hip-hop nite. It's really ladies night, but calling it hip-hop nite makes me feel so much better, not really into the whole carpert movement. After sweating to death for about an hour we finally met up with Jamie and gave the fans a little something....there was the one armed shimmy, gold chains on shoulders and some fierce hair. All in all it was a good nite.
So now it's time for the real party to begin. That was all just a warm up for what's about to come. Pride is upon us and that can only mean one thing.....DC watch out because it's about to get outta hand.

Once in a while

2005-06-06T15:33:00.000-04:00

So this past weekend didn't really see that much activity as past. On friday me and the girls gathered to have a "women empowering" movie night. We decided that before the season really gets into gear we should clear our heads and get back to "one". We started off with a great movie and a lot of food, "What's Love Got to Do With It". If you have not seen this movie, I beg of you to put your shame away for one day and let your soul live. My homegirl Angela Bassett does an amazing job of playing a Soul Surviving Sister Tina Turner. The acting plus the show stopping dance and music numbers really did a number on us and you can believe that there were tears flowing.....Next, we moved on up hill to another great Sister movie, "Waiting To Exhale". Again if you have not seen this movie dust your inner diva off and rent it. If you don't know about the wonderful Terry McMillan book and equally great movie, it is about four "sisters" that deal with various issues from men to their own personal problems. Of course all four of the girls fit neatly into one of the four characters....I'll let you guess were we ended up. With two movies behind us we called it a nite.
Sat, after throwing up for several hours after coming home friday nite...3am-3pm, this happens when you eat too many of your feelings, we decided to head over to Chuck's for some pre-drinks and then make our way to Cobalt. All in all, a good nite.
Sun...found me waking up a little later then expected. I was spending the day in VA beach with my mom. Her and various other parts of my extended family had made the trek from St. Louis to VA Beach for a week long vaca. I hadn't seen my mom since sometime in Feb, when I went home for work. We only got to spend a little time together because I brought co-workers home for dinner, so I was really looking forward to seeing her. I got up around 8:30, the original plan had me up and on the road by 7:30....not happening after a nite out with the girls and all. So I finally hit the road around 9ish and it was a gorgeous day for driving. I had never driven south of Fredicksburgh, Va before so this was going to something new for me. All in all, a really smooth ride. There was barley any traffic and I got to drive over water. I don't know what it is about driving over water, but it always makes things for me a little calmer. I love it....anyway side not..... My mom and others were camping with a newly acquired camper and truck...both of which I was interested in seeing. Seeing my mom is always a great time for me. My mom and I have such a great relationship. I can talk to her about anything, unlike my other siblings. We had a long discussion about life in general. We talked about death, life and being gay. Ever since I came out to my mom, it's been interesting. Although she knows, I think that she would be happier not knowing. She is for the most part, just not happy that I'm gay. I think that she always thought that I would be the one of her kids to live the "great american life"...go to school, get a job, a wife, and then kids. We'll I've done most of that except the wife and kids part oh and the job part for right now.....but the conversation was the first real one that we've had since I told her I was gay almost 3yrs ago. We discussed the difference between those who choose to be "gay" and those who are born "gay". In the end I think that all points were taken on both sides and if anything we grew that much closer. After having dinner with the fam I took off for a three hour drive into the sun set. It was beautiful.
In all, the weekend was just what I needed. Relaxing, soul searching and stress free....God, I wish there were more like it.

ChChChanges

2005-06-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

So last nite Bernie and myself decided that we would check out a local bar called Apex. On Thursday nite's Apex host college nite, which means that entrance is free with a college idea or $5 without...either way a good deal. Now, one goes there to hear a variety of music. In one room you can dance the night away to Janet's latest single or you can opt for a little more up tempo and hit the dance floor hard to a little Tom Stephan.
I go for the R&B, cause here in DC it's not common for clubs to really play a lot of rap and/or R&B. The r&b room is a little small, but it works especially after a long work week and all you want to do is dance the week away and say hello to the weekend. As soon as you enter the room you are greeted by something that may not be so common; teenage boys. Because it's college nite, you only have to be 18+ to get in, which is either a good thing or a bad one. For me it's bad.
The room being the size that it is, is not very conducive to pre-teen Queens jumping up and down to Britney's latest. As I looked around, in the over crowded room, last nite I started to notice something, most of the boys that were there all had something in common; either they were wearing hollister t-shirt's, bronzer, and/or some kind of eye make-up. What the hell is going on.
I don't know if it's cause I'm a jaded, bitter, queen or what, but when I was growing up fags did not act like this. We were a different breed. No make-up, no tight t-shirts, and def. no long hair that came with product and highlights. These boys, they can only be called that, are so different. OBVI, it's a different time and place, but is it really that much different. Sure gays are on TV nowa day's, and you can even see guys having sex together if you and or your parents shell out the $70 a month for cable. But, we still live in a world were racism still exist, gays get beat for holding each other's hands in public, and innocent people day each day. So as much as time is changing, is it really time or "Gays" that are changing.....

SOAP BOX......

2005-06-02T13:37:00.000-04:00

So I've decided that each month I'm going to get onto my "SoapBox" once a month and talk about things that I think should be talked about..feel free to comment, because I know that I will say something's that won't make everyone happy, but that's life..

SMOKING.........
I don't understand why people smoke. I mean I'm not going to sit here and say that I've never done it or anything, because I have. I was just like most people who tried smoking once or twice and or even got into when they were in college and only did it when they drank. What really gets me are people who are addicted to smoking. For instance, if one of the first things that you do in the morning once you get up is go and light up and think about how or what you are going to do to conquer today, then you sir/mame are addicted. How can your first thought in the morning, after a nite's sleep be....damn I need a cigg.....what??? No....there is nothing right about that. There should def. be a signal that goes off in your mind that says "maybe I need to get some help with this" or something. We all have our faults, but something's should not be overlooked.

What's Metro

2005-06-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

When I first moved here I was so excited about the idea of riding a train to work everyday. I mean it's the thing that you see in all the great old movies, you know people being all metropolitan and getting on the train to commute to and fro. I even went so far as to map out my way to get to the Metro....driving to the station, where I would park, how much time that would take and what not. Then to top it all off I even drove almost the same route that my train would take to get me to my destination, finding the station and all. I was so excited.
The first day my stomach was filled with butterflies. I got up extra early, just in case my whole timing thing didn't work out, and got myself to the metro station with no worries. I bought my ticket and stood on the platform ready to start my day. I looked around and thought "the train must be late today". Then I realized that trains were going in two different directions and that I had no clue which way was correct. So I quickly called my DC tour guide, Chris, and got myself on the correct side. I saw the train and the excitement built up inside of me so great I could barely breath. The train pulled in and the door stopped a couple of steps away from and then it started. This stampede that did not end. I was pushed and pulled in all directions. No "excuse me", no "pardon me", nothing....just people pushing and elbowing. I finally got onto the train and took and deep breath and thought " I can't wait to do that again."
Everyday, coming and going, I felt this way. I couldn't get enough of the Metro. I lived for it. The pushing, the shoving, the no "pardon me's". And the experience inside the train was just as great. I'm a huge people watcher so what better place to do so then inside a "tin-can" with an ever changing background and cast of characters.
But just like all good things, when you have too much of something you soon tire of it. I started dating a great guy and soon actually lived with him for about a month. His place was so convenient. I could walk to work, to bars, and even friends house's. It was great. I no longer need to drive, worry about the timing of trains and all the pushing and shoving and the no "pardon me's". I actually grew into someone who hated the Metro. I was a city liver now, I didn't need Public transportation, PT, as my old boss would call it.
Now, I'm no longer dating the great guy that has the convenient apt. So it's back to the Metro for me. It's only been three days and I hate it.....the pushing, the shoving, the no "pardon me's" I miss none of it. Instead, I long for the free and open streets, the sound of buses and cars quickly going to and fro and me just taking my time and living the city life...

You've Got......

2005-06-01T12:54:00.000-04:00

What is it about mail that gets people so happy. I mean no matter what kind of mail it is; e-mail, snail mail, faxes, gifts, even post cards, all of these things give people that feeling that they can't explain. Peering into one's mailbox hoping to find something anything, even it is a bill. Anything is better then nothing at all. Returning from lunch to find an empty inbox is never met with enthusiasm, but instead with a thought that no one was thinking about you while you were gone not even you boss. Is that it, knowing that someone, anyone, cares enough to send you something? I know that I'm as guilty as many others out there. As soon as I come home or get back to my desk, I check to see if there is mail and if not, a sinking feeling comes over me. So too all of you that never send an e-mail, a post card, or even a letter that you've been meaning to send, I say do so because at least someone will know you care.

that's all

2005-05-30T13:55:00.000-04:00

So.....this past weekend opened up the Summer Season with a bang that I'm sure was felt all the way to Cali and back.

Let's see......

I remember being at brunch with 15 amazing people and endless amounts of pitchers of alcohol....

I remember secret Long Islands at Jury's....

I remember three thermoboost...

I remember Jr's.....going there not really what happened there...

I remember being at lizard lounge and being a walking prostitute.....

And I remember eating like a fat girl that was just told that she didn't make the second round of auditions of "West Side Story".....

A link to someone else's blog will follow shortly, hold please while we connect you...Transferring

These things do 'appen

2005-05-27T14:03:00.000-04:00

So......about a year and half ago I decided that I had enough of Pittsburgh and it's lackluster scene. I told myself that it was time for a change, not only in my life, but also in my career. I took a job with a company I knew little about and moved to a city that I had only remembered in drunken hazes. All in all, I have to say that my time here has been one of great exploration of myself and a city that I thought I would never be able to handle.

When I told my friends that I was moving to DC, a lot of them were like "good for you, but are you going to be ok there?" I would just smile and say "Sure, why not." That's when most of them would start telling me about the crime problem, the drugs and the cost of living, things that they thought I would have no clue on how to handle. So I guess in retrospect(I love that word) I never gave any of those things a second thought. If anything I thought I'm packing my bags and my bootleg car and taking my ass to DC, and things will only happen if they were meant to. In being honest with myself, I knew the only thing that I would miss out of everything would be the friends that I had come to make in Pittsburgh (there are things that I will never forget and probably never write about, until my bio comes out). So with only that thought I prepared myself for what was surely going to be a wild ride.
So now, I prepare myself to take on year two, and I can't wait. I have made some amazing friends here, people that I honestly don't think that I can live without. Every time something bad happens and I get into a disgusting funk, I'm reminded of how great my life truly is thru my friends and our amazing times. There was MLKSB '05 trip, a fierce walk-off, and countless nights of chaotic mishaps. And if year one was any test of how great things do 'appen, then I can't wait for year number 3.

The next big thing

2005-05-25T12:27:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking more and more about what I did. Quitting the job and all. There are some days when I think it was the best thing I've ever done in my life. Then there are others when I doubt everything I've done in my life. I know that what I did was done for a reason. In the short term I only see that reason as I needed time to take a step back and ask myself what the hell I was doing. But, maybe in the long run I'll never know what the real reason is.
The whole job thing is getting more and more frustrating with each day. I send a least one or two resumes a day out. So I've been out of work for four weeks so that about 50 some odd resumes out there floating around or sitting in someone's trash can. But what more can I do. I could be that crazy person and go knocking down people's doors, but I don't think they would like that too much. (that makes me think of that one movie when the guy sends in his videotape to some college then he doesn't get in so he goes to the school and acts all crazy-can't think of the title, but good movie none-the-less) Random thought
But sometimes that's how I feel.....

In the end I know that all I can do is keep on trucking.....complaining wont get me anywhere, but it sure does feel good.

Things that come and go

2005-05-25T12:22:00.000-04:00

So the other day while watching TV a commercial for "Everybody Loves Raymond" came on. It was talking about how it was the last episode and that got me thinking about all the shows that I've seen come and go. I think the first one I remember was Silver Spoons, little Ricky Schroeder. Then there was Whose the Boss, I tell you what that Tony Danza was some looker back in the day. Then came Saved by the Bell, 90210, the Cosby's, A different world, Senfield, Sex and the City and a host of others. If our lives were measured in TV time, I would be way past ancient....I think that I would have lived multiple lives by now. Thank God there not.

When it rains it pours

2005-05-25T11:58:00.000-04:00

So the weather outside has been just a metaphor of my life the past couple of days. It's cold, cloudy most of the day, and it keeps raining.
So I had this job interview last week and I kept telling myself not to get my hopes about this job. To make a long story short I had interviewed with four different people, four different times at this one company only to be told in the end that they didn't think that they were going to be able to offer me a job that was challenging enough for me-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN- I don't think that I asked to be president or anything major, but in the end I guess it wasn't meant to be. Now, I'm back to temping and hating it. It's not so much the temping that I hate, it's the whole "Hi, my name is Nick" part. I can't tell you how many people I've introduced myself to only to have them call me "the temp". Temping is a world all it's own. Made for people I think that want to find themselves while making money....but what are you suppose to do if you already know who you are.

Amazing

2005-05-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

So last nite was the finale to "The Amazing Race"......words can not explain how amazing it was. If you don't watch the show I will spare you with my season recap and just say that you should really get in on this next season. It's pretty much the same plot as survivor, but instead of the whole voting thing, contestants are booted off the show for coming in last place during different missions.
The couple that won last nite, I don't have words for. During the entire Race, these people never once threw their morals and or values aside for the prize, $1 million. Instead they kept to them. Always willing to lend a helping hand, be it money, advice, or just wisdom. No even in the last minutes of last nites show when they were mere footsteps away from the prize, did they throw everything aside. Instead they begged complete strangers for a cab fare that they owed. Only after they paid did they round the final corner and claim a prize that was rightfully theirs. In a world that has grown so accustomed to letting the "bad guy" win in order to sell one more "coke" or one more "car", we got to see the "good guys" take their moment in the sun. Finally, and that moment was AMAZING

Job hunting

2005-05-11T15:20:00.000-04:00

So I'm into my third week of no job and I have to tell you that I'm kind of over it.
I've been doing temp stuff and I have to say that I don't think that I can continue this. Everyday I pass homeless people on the street and I have to think about what is keeping me from their shoes...is it determination, needing to be someplace better, or is that I just want it more then they do. What is it that keeps these people homeless???
Yes, I know that a lot of homeless people are in their situation because of mental health issues. But what about those who say they lack the proper job skills and or education. What do you say about those people?? In the end I have to say that it comes down to choices. The choice to want a better life is there for everyone, but it's about making those choices that lead up to that better life that get us all
in the end.
If we choose not to wake up in the morning and go look for a job, but instead stay in bed and wake up at 3 in the afternoon and then complain about not having a job. If we choose to use drugs so much that we become addicted to them and let them control our lives, these are the choices that we make and have to make everyday in order to have that better life.
So I guess I'll choose to keep wanting, keep choosing,the better life.

I've been gone for a min.....

2005-05-11T15:00:00.000-04:00

So I had to take a break for a bit there.....after posting a few entries I got some feedback that wasn't so great that made me think about why I'm really writing this blog. It was said that I pour my heart into my entries. Then the other day while watching the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, in his monologue....he made a comment, " Too all those people blogging, NO ONE CARES"....or something like that.

There is no real reason I've decided. It's not like I don't have anyone to talk to about things that go on in my life or anything like that. Actually I have some really amazing friends, who are always willing to listen and give their advice even when it's not asked for. The only reason I came up with during my brief time away, was that I do this so that maybe someone who reads this can say "exactly, I was thinking the same thing", or "that happened to me also." The feeling of knowing that we are not alone during some the hardest times in our lives, I think is one of the best feelings of all. To know that we are not the first nor the last to go thru unemployment, heartache, or even drunken times at strip clubs, makes everything a little easier to sallow at the end of the day before I close my eyes.
So to anyone who says that I pour my heart into this thing or to anyone like Craig Ferguson, who says no one cares.....to you I say........nothing at all, NO ONE CARES...

Strip......

2005-04-30T12:10:00.000-04:00

So last nite me and the girls went out for what was sure to be interesting times. We make our way to a friends b-day party, which was good. It was at his house and not too many people. Saw some familiar faces and got to reconnect with some others. After one b-day celebration we moved on to another. Only this one was not to be held in a house, but instead at a Strip Club of sorts. Now, I'm not one to venture into places of this kind often, but I have been known to get my groove on at "Hot Chocolate" once or twice, but nothing more then that. I just have never been in love with the thought of naked boys and or girls dancing around. It's just weird to see flopping penis' and or tit's shake to the beat of Janet's latest hits. On top of that the club's here in DC are a little interesting......the things that one can see in places of this nature are not things that I can type about without blushing....
All in all I say if the only way you can get right is to take off all your clothes and dance around naked like there is no tomorrow, then go for. Just not in my face or in my drink...

Things that PoP

2005-04-29T13:55:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I am in love with Pop culture......I can't get enough of it. VH1, love it.....Mtv, can't get enough.....Bravo, I live for it.

For instance, there is a show on Bravo called "Show Dogs, Mom's and Dad's". If you have not seen it I suggest you settle yourself in on a Wed. nite and enjoy the show. It's so good. These people are all showing their dogs at the Philadelphia dog show, but the show focus' on what it takes to get to that point. It's like an amazing ride through crazy town. I love it. There is this really funny "gay" couple on the show that I just watch with awe every episode. To tell the truth the show reminds me of a movie called "Best in Show"....which if you haven't see you need to stop with the craziness. It is so funny...

Another show that I can't live without is ANTM (and if you don't know what that means, I feel for you). It is probably one of my favorite shows on T.V right now. It reminds me a lot of my lost love for Mtv's darling gone dry "Real World"..use to love that show, not so much anymore. Back to ANTM....the show tries to find what else, but America's Next Top Model. I love the show, because unlike Survivor or Big Brother or even The Amazing Race(which I love too) these girls are being put through semi-realistic test that a lot of beginning models go through. But, besides that aspect, the drama is amazing.

My other love, which I don't know how long it will last, American Idol. I have to say that I'm one of the many that text their vote every Tues nite....sometimes multiple times. But in recent days I have started to wonder about the show and the outcome. In the beginning the show really was about talent, who could sing the best while having stage presence. Kelly, I love you and your cd's. But recently, the show has moved from looking for talent to being this popularity contest. For instance (I know that some will be upset with this) Constantine. Now, for those of you who don't know, this young man was in the touring production of "Rent", which I hope means that he is very good at what he does. But his performance on Idol was nothing short of a Drama Queen gone wrong. He always seemed to be putting on a Vegas stage act, instead of just singing and wowing the crowd that way. So he lasted for a while on the show thanks to his groupie following of young girls and I'm sure from the way he walked, even young boys. I fear that Idol has gone from this great PoP show to just Popping......

When's the last time you jumped......

2005-04-28T03:10:00.000-04:00

When I was young I loved jumping off of our stairs that led to the basement. I would always start with one step...then two...then five....then I would finally sum up the courage and jump from the top stair. Closing my eyes, holding my breath, and hoping to god that I would land on my feet at the bottom instead of on top of another step or even worse falling competely on my face. There would always be those times that I didn't make it to the bottom of the staiirs....but somehow I would go at it again and start all over...........

So this whole new chapter thing is finding me in a really new place. For the first time in my life I have done what I want...in so many words. A lot of people told me not to quite my job without having one lined up.....but I knew that if I stayed at my past job that I would keep hating myself. You see I have always thought that lfe is way too short to do things that make you unhappy, because when it's all over do you really want to say "Well I only had so many happy times in life that I can really remember." No of course not. I'm not saying that every moment in life needs to be happy, but why waste time in doing things that make us unhappy. I'm over it......
So with that thought I left a job that i had been at for a year that made me unhappy almost everyday that I was there. But the thing was that I wasn't ready to make that full leap, so again I took a job that made me unhappy. And then one day, after working at this new unhappy job for three weeks I called in and quite. I finally closed my eyes and held my breath........and jumped.
From that point on, my life has been in a place that I am unfamiliar with which is probably the best jump that I've made in years.

A New Chapter

2005-04-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

So I've always viewed my life as a kind of book that just won't end until I'm dead or no longer able to talk.....neither has happened yet. So a new chapter has started in my life and I have to say that it is the first chapter that I'm truly proud of....well there was the gay chapter, but that doesn't count b/c OBVI that chapter was bound to happen. The newest chapter I'm working on is that of doing what I have a passion for.....meaning work. I recently quite my J.O.B, all b/c I wasn't happy anymore with what I was doing. Problem....a small one considering that I'm a broke bitch and I have no job waiting in the background. But I have to say that I'm glad I took this one moment in life to close my eyes and just jump rather then waiting for something to happen. I have to say that I'm a bit scared by the current unknowns, but I look forward to accepting every new challenge that comes my way.

TAXES

2005-04-14T23:30:00.000-04:00

I am done with this whole tax thing....isn't it enough that I pay taxes on all the latest designs from name brand designers...but to make me do them on my own is a bit much. I mean all the rules, guidelines, deadlines, I'm over it

Believe it or Not.....This is My First Time

2005-04-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

How do I start this.....I have to say that I decided that I should start a blog, because all I do is talk to myself all day long, so why not put those thoughts out to pasture and let the world know how crazy I am. Like today I was driving to work in the VA and talked to myself the whole way to work. And of course I talked about nothing, cops, the blue sky, gas prices and that type. Then I realized that I should just call someone and talk to them. So after a good convo with a good friend about my job situation I hung up the phone and started all over again, except this time the conversation with myself consisted of why people in Va can't drive and how I really didn't want to get out of bed. Oh well......

So I guess my mission with this blog will be to let the world know what this crazy bitch is thinking every now and then. Feel free to share your thoughts and or comments. But trust if you comment you will be sucked into my world and as most can tell you, once you are in you can't get out.

Peace, Love, and Hair Grease to all the fans